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Thursday, February 4, 2016

First Day of School Tears

So I could for sure write a post on the mind boggling quick passage of time but I would much rather talk about our Journey Baby Boy who is now a Big School Boy.  

I have never really thought I would be a mother that would cry when their child went to school - I thought that people were crying because they would miss their baby when they were away for them or because they wished that they wouldn't grow up.  I had an inkling that all might not go as expected on the last day of kindergarten last year.  My darling JBB and his kindergarten class had a Christmas concert - he told me that he was going to  sing for me at the concert and I smiled and said I couldn't wait but in my mind wondered if it would be indeed a time that we would watch the other kids sing whilst JBB hid his face in embarrassment as he had done at the day care concerts.

Throughout the kindergarten year we had some challenges with JBB not feeling comfortable in joining in on particular occassions -  at Auskick, at birthday parties etc, etc.  He is quite a cautious kid and it is always a very fine balance between pushing too hard and him missing out on fun.  We had his birthday party at an indoor playground with a big slide and, in one of my better moments of parenting, we decided to take him there a few times before the party so he was comfortable - he was and he ruled that party!!

Anyway, back to the kinder concert.  We arrived at the centre and it was hugely crowded, I thought that would send JBB running but he saw his teacher and walked easily over and took his place on the 'stage' with his friends.  To all our surprise, he sang the songs and did all the actions whilst many of the other kids shied away and didn't really participate.  It struck me at the time how grown up he was, how much he had matured in that kinder year, what a great person he is becoming.  They were singing a song about how to say hello and goodbye in different languages and I thought 'he is saying goodbye to these friends' and that was it, I was crying.  It was compounded by the fact that they also sang this 'Santa Claus is coming' song by High Five and this is a song that haunted me throughout my infertility journey - every Christmas Eve, it was on Carols by Candlelight and of course it started that I would sing this with my kids in the next few years, then year after year, I got sadder and sadder about it when my arms were still empty - even to this day, I can barely hold myself together when I hear the song so when my beautiful, hard fought little man started singing it with his mates - I was done, crying, crying, crying.  

So, fast forward to late January when it was JBB's turn to have his first day of school.  He was super excited about going, he was up at 5am getting his uniform on and asking every 5 minutes if it was time to go yet.  There were the obligatory pics on the front steps (JourneyDog who is Woolly photobombing the pics), uniform spanking clean, unscuffed shoes and a schoolbag almost bigger than him.  Hugs with Mum and Dad, hugs with his little brother, hugs with his dog.  In the car on the way over, he said to me 'I'm a bit nervous, Mum' and I told him it's okay to be nervous, I am always nervous when I start new things and his Dad told him that everyone else is for sure nervous too.

There were many many people there, the classroom was humming with activity and emotions were running over everywhere.  JBB stuck to my side like glue, even though he had made some friends and they had come in, he was loathe to move away from my side.  JourneyMan had to leave for work so it was just JBB and me.  I could see he was getting distressed and I was also.  Thankfully one of the teacher helpers came over, I was the second last Mum to leave and I needed to go because they were about to start.  I hugged him and told him that I would pick him up soon and he clung to me and whispered 'don't go yet'.  My heart clenched and I said that I had to go.

I put my head down and walked as fast as I could to my car and then sobbed the whole way home.  I've thought about it often since then (it's only been a week) and wondered why I was crying.  The main part was that he was distressed and I had to leave him - that was tough but I think I would have cried anyway and I am not exactly sure why.  I am super proud of how he is meeting all these milestones, I am very happy that he is becoming independent and I am excited to see him becoming his own person.  

He ended up coming home super excited but also told me that his favourite bit was doing some drawings for me when he was crying - queue a few swallows to hold back more tears!  So, this morning, I was up at 5:15am to go to bootcamp and when I looked in his room, he was already putting his school uniform on, he absolutely loves school and can't wait everyday to go.


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