Amnesia

Last Thursdsay, I was 100% certain that I could not endure another cycle, another pregnancy or another c-section.  Today, I feel different.  I feel like I could endure any pain to have another gorgeous baby like JBB or Boo2 again.  I look at Boo2 as many minutes as I can in every day, I drink in his baby scent, I memorise every line of his face, I laugh at every cute face that he pulls in his sleep - I am besotted, in love, over the moon to have him in our lives.  With each minute that I look at Boo2, the memory of the uncertainty, pain, worry and fear of the cycle, pregnancy and birth of him is wiped away, leaving only love and joy.

I get that this is nature's way of getting you to go back and have more children, to ensure the population of our species.  I am just amazed at how efficiently this phenomenon has worked with me.  It is quite funny because after the birth of JBB, the most I remembered about the pain was that the first day getting up and into the shower after the c-section was the worst but I always added in my mind 'it wasn't that bad'.  Then last week when I had to do it again, it felt way, way worse than I remembered it - I felt like I was in agony.  Today, I think back and think, it's only really one bad day, you can easily get through that (despite the fact that I am still in a good amount of pain now)!!

Don't get me wrong, I haven't changed my mind about wanting to go back, I remember enough to not want to put our lives on hold any longer.  I would love to try for a girl but it is more important for me to enjoy every day with my boys, to walk into our future as a whole family, no regrets and that is what I absolutely intend to do.  

So, whilst I can intellectually remember that it was a difficult pregnancy and birth, I have this little gorgeous reminder that I look at as much as possible every day and I think 'worth it'.