Struggling

Last night, I couldn't stop crying. Dad had the appointment (my Mum and Aunty went along) with the doctor yesterday and my sister and I went to see how they were going. My Aunty did a wonderful job of capturing all of the information from the doctor and she sent and email to all of us detailing what had happened. I have read it a few times but the part that leapt out at me was that 'with treatment he could have 2+ years and without it, probably around 12 months'. To see it in black and white - it was like a vice was put around my heart and some nasty bastard started winding it in. I started crying and unfortunately set off my sister and mum. We had a group hug and sobbed for a while.

Dad's not going that great. He had an accident and my Mum told me later that he said to her 'I'm going to have to go to a home, aren't I?'. My Mum burst out crying as she told me and seriously, that vice just got wound in tighter and tighter. I dread what is going to happen in the coming months. I dread it for my Dad, I dread it for my Mum - I dread it for all of us.

My younger sister is struggling and it is breaking my heart because, after years and years of trying to find the right man, it looks like he has finally shown up and I know that my sister can't help but wonder if Dad will be around to walk her down the aisle.

I don't mean to be a 'poor me' as I know that many of you have been through similar and even more horrendous situations - I am merely trying to express my feelings in a constructive way.

I'm trying to stay positive but also face the situation head-on but I am struggling.

Massive amounts of information....

Thank you to all of you for your very kind comments and best wishes, I really appreciate it.

My Dad definitely has lung cancer though we don't know what the treatment is going to be. I am worried about my Mum, she is taking it very hard (understandable) and is having trouble keeping myself, my two sisters and brother up to date on what's going on. I have told her that I will do the communicating for her so that she only has to remember to speak to me and I will keep the others informed. We have had a small piece of good news and that is that it is not anywhere else in his body. This week, he goes in to see the oncologist on Wednesday morning and on Wednesday arvo he is being operated on for a hernia (he is having a bad run). We will know more then. It is in my mind every moment of every day. I was talking to him on the phone today and he didn't sound great.

I'm having trouble sleeping because of the information going around in my head. I hope that he is not in pain, it is my overriding thought. The most painful thought is that my darling, sweet boy will most likely not remember him. This is always followed by the fact that Dad is so different from the man we grew up with that JourneyMan didn't even know that guy. It has been hard over the past few years because as pieces of Dad were taken away by the hydrocephallus, it became harder and harder to grieve. Sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of my old Dad and I started to think that it was harder to see that because I would grieve all over again. Now, everyday I wish for another one, or ten, or a hundred or a thousand.

There was a lovely moment on Friday. I was out to lunch with Mum, Dad, my Auntie and of course JBB. Dad was playing with JBB and put his finger in his mouth and said 'he has a tooth' - I said 'oh really' and felt for myself and sure enough, his little tooth had finally broken through (we had a very bad bout of diarrhea and nappy rash last week). Dad was absolutely stoked that he was the one to find it - I loved it too!! My Auntie took the most beautiful photo of Dad holding JBB, I have looked at it many times over the weekend.

In other news, we have booked in for our next cycle with the same donor that we used for JBB. We leave for Thailand on the 4th of October (I have added a countdown to the blog!!). I told Dad about it the other day, he was really excited for us and kept on saying to JBB - 'you might be getting a new brother or sister soon!', it was lovely. I have had a talk to JourneyMan and Mum about the trip to Thailand and we have all agreed that we have to go ahead with it - the opportunity to use the same donor is only available to us this year and so we really feel that we must take this opportunity while it is offered to us. We are booked in with the clinic and we have also booked our flights. I feel a bit weird about booking our trip and doing all of the research about it when I have Dad to worry about but by the same token, it is a distraction. I know 100% that Dad wants us to do this anyway.

I finally had the mammogram last Wednesday but won't get the results unitl Tuesday. I am hoping it will all be okay. The ultrasound woman seemed to think that it was just a fatty cyst so I am choosing to believe that that is what it is - especially since I get a few of those.

We are also preparing this week to go away for Easter. We are going to country Victoria to watch the Stawell Gift which is Australia's most famous (and I believe richest) foot race. The carnival runs over the whole of the Easter weekend and it is a really nice time. I have started writing a list of massive amounts of stuff that we will have to take with us, I am really looking forward to getting away for a few days.

The final news is about JBB. Gosh this little tyke is growing up quick, he keeps growing out of all of his clothes and this week has been a huge week of progress. He has taken a few crawling steps, he has started standing holding on to things, he got a tooth and he is, as always, the light of our lives. I took him to see JourneyMan play footy (Australian Rules Football) at our local club today and we had a great time!!

Well it is time for me to sign off. I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's blogs, I hope you are all going well.

I'm devastated..

My Mum called me the other night at 9:30pm and said that she was coming over to have a cup of tea. Immediately I was on my guard because she never comes over that late. The news was worse than I first thought. They have found a tumor in my Dad's lungs, it is the size of my fist.

I have been in shock since, I am also in shock, angry and bitter.

I am angry because last year, my Dad had pnuemonia and was in hospital where they took an x-ray of his lungs. The Oncologist looked at that x-ray compared with the one that he had during the week and was angry because the tumor was clearly visible 12 months ago. We have not had an official diagnosis as yet but we have pretty much been told that it is lung cancer. We have also heard that they probably won't be able to operate as it is too close to his heart.

The bitterness comes from the fact that my Dad was always the fittest Dad going around, he ran 9 marathons for crying out loud and whilst he smoked in his younger years, he hadn't since he was in his twenties. He has gone downhill in the last 5 years because of the hydracephallus and dementia but honestly, this is too much to bloody well take.

We won't get the official diagnosis and treatment plan until after Easter but I swing between great hope that he will be able to fight it but maybe I still can only see my fit, strong Dad from my childhood. I can't even write the negative thought, I just can't, it hurts too much.

I am reeling and I feel absolutely sick inside. I can't write anymore - I am too upset. It has been a frightfully hard few days and I don't think it is going to get easier any time soon.

The things people say...

I am still burning about a comment that one of the girls made to me when I picked up JBB from day care the other day. I had had a horrible day. I am still trying to find the best way to drive to and from work and the traffic on the way home was diabolical so I was late. Unfortunately, JBB was at the day care from 7am until 6:05pm. My nerves were frayed from the drive home knowing that I was eating in to my play time with JBB, with every passing minute I became more and more resentful of the time away from my darling boy. When I finally got there and saw him, my heart sang - the relief was amazing. It was short lived though, sadly - the girl said 'oh, here is the mother of the long lost baby'.

She might as well have punched me in the face, I was so shocked. Since then, I have run the gamut of emotions. Outrage that she could make such a judgement. Guilt that my little boy, the one that I went to hell and back to have, spent so long in day care, without me there to comfort and take care of him. Disappointment that my choices are so limited that if I want another baby, I have had to go back to work so soon. Anger at myself that some random woman's words could have such a profound effect on me.

I am hanging on a knife edge at the moment. I feel like if one small thing happens, I over-react hugely. I am really trying to hold it together as best as I possibly can. One agreement that I have made to myself is to make every moment with JBB count - no matter if it is when he is up in the middle of the night or he is giving me a cheeky smile when I get home, the time I have with him is precious.

Life in the petri dish....

Seriously, I thought that I might also call this post 'the high cost of child care' but realised that no-one would read it since it could be another rant of my against our government!!

Anyhoo - you know that JBB has been in childcare one day a week while I am off to work. Well, we experienced the day-care germs this week. Poor little JBB got a gastro bug at child care and then brought it home for us to enjoy.

He started to get sick on Wednesday when I was home from work (thank goodness I was able to take care of him myself). He was off his food quite a bit but diarrhea struck him bad - my main thought was that it was his teeth because we think he is pretty close to one breaking through. I made sure that he didn't look like he was getting dehydrated (thankfully he wasn't) and soothed him as much as I could. As it happens, my brother an his wife dropped by because we had their trailor and they wanted to pick up a desk for their daughter so I invited them in for a coffee. They couldn't stay long and were off soon after.

Then, later on, my Aunt dropped by as we needed to talk tactics for going to the footy on the weekend and it was great to catch up and she had a lovely time with JBB. She stayed for a couple of hours and then JBB had a nice sleep and then JourneyMan came home and we went through the normal bedtime routine.

Well, the next day when I was back at work, I started to feel pretty rank around lunch time. I didn't really feel like eating anything but soup for lunch (even though we visited one of the best chocolate shops in Melbourne, I couldn't even face getting any - miracle!), so I hunted down so minestrone. Soon after lunch though I started with the diarrhea myself and was really starting to feel awful. I battled through the rest of the day with many trips to the ladies. I knew then that JBB must have had a bug and I had caught it.

Let me interrupt this gross story by telling you that I seriously have iron guts. I have been to Bali at least 6 times, I have been to Thailand 3 times, I have been to Cambodia and Mexico and I have never gotten a bad belly despite the fact that I always love eating the local food.

Now, back to the (hopefully 'not to boring' story). The drive home was a nightmare. Traffic was horrendous and what was normally a 40 minute trip took 70mins - I was howling with rage at anyone who got in my way and unfortunately, the vomiting started on the way home. I was on the freeway at the time and the only thing that I had to contain the horror was a hat that JourneyMan had left in the car (it was unfortunately one that his brother had brought him back from Hawaii - ooops). When I got home, I could barely give JBB and JourneyMan a kiss before staggering off to the toiliet, then to bed, then to the toilet, then to bed, then to the toilet - well you get the ugly picture.

Finally, by about mid-night it had tapered off and I was able to get to sleep. Unfortunately, I was awakened about half an hour later by JourneyMan vomiting in the toilet. So loud was JourneyMan's vomiting that he woke JBB, who I then tried to comfort back to sleep, this took about 2 hours. It was the house of pain for the next 12 hours. There was not much sleep in the house that night and Friday we were all pretty fractious.

I got a call from my Auntie on Friday and she had it too and then I found out that my brother and his wife were both struck down as well. My mum, who baby sat JBB on Tuesday and Thursday was spared (thank goodness!!) but the rest of us were struck down hard!

Honestly, I know that this sounds dramatic but I thought I was dying, I didn't think that so much could come out of one person and still live! Anyway, we have all recovered now and I have spent the day today exchanging war stories with all of my fellow bug eaters.

I have great admiration for little JBB - despite the fact that he was struck down with this crazy bug and that he was also teething, he was amazingly good spirited - I kept on asking him 'how are you still so happy, little man?' - as always, he just gave me a cheeky grin and snuggled in for a kiss. He is one tough little cookie, bless his cotton socks!

I am also thankful for JourneyMan cos after my 'no-sleep' the night before, he let me sleep in this morning and after a good 8 hour sleep, I felt brand spanking new!! I cannot tell you how much I admire single parents, they have one tough, tough job.

I know that it sounds strange and I feel a little strange in writing it, but I feel a bit like I earned my 'mummy' stripes over the past few days. The good days are wonderful and making JBB laugh and smile is certainly one of my daily goals but being able to comfort him when he is hurting or not feeling well, that feels absolutely great. I never, every want him to be hurt or not feel well but I do feel good that I can hopefully provide the comfort he needs when these things happen.

It's official, I am not superwoman!

But first - let me just say that the GP was very positive (in a good way) about the lump. I have to have a mammogram but she is pretty sure that it was nothing to be worried about so I am not worrying (trying not to!). Thank you to you all for you lovely wishes!

Okay, now to my lack of being superwoman. I started work at my new job last week and I spent Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday there - normally I will be working Monday, Tuesday and Thursday but we had a public holiday last week. My mum had JBB on Tuesday and Thursday and he went to daycare on Wednesday. It was a total wrench to be away from him all of that time, I absolutely hate it but unfortunately it has to be done.

It has been tough. JBB is starting to get teeth so our previous sleeping through the night angel is now the waking up in pain, little Boo. I feel so sorry for him but I was so tired this morning I could have cried when he woke me up at 4am. This is very rough - just the amount of packing that I need to do every night. The sheer effort that it is taking to ensure that he is eating healthily and so am JourneyMan and I. The lack of sleep, the learning a new job and the separation from my little darling - it is bloody tough - I don't think that I am one of those women who can do it all and nor do I want to - I want to be spending my days with my gorgeous little one but unfortunately our finances dictate that I can't do this. It is very upsetting.

I am very whingy - I am sorry for it but I am in Struggletown right now. Must. Go. To. Bed.

A lump

I'm worried and I don't want to freak anyone out but I have found a lump in my breast. In fact, it's been there for awhile and I haven't had it checked out because I thought it was a blocked milk duct from the breast feeding. It hasn't gone away though and now I am getting worried. I have booked in to see my GP on Friday which is the soonest that I could go. I am trying not to think about it but I can't seem to forget about it.

On one hand I think 'how could this happen, I have finally found absolute happiness in my life' - I have a lovely, supportive husband who I love, I have the cutest, most special miracle child in the world and a gorgeous fluffy and woolly dog. On the other hand I think 'I have been smacked down hard by life before, what could be different now?'

To be brutally honest with you, there have been times in my past where I thought that I wouldn't be missed if I died. This was when I was drinking and completely ashamed of myself for the horrorible person I was, lying to everyone - trying to stop and not being able to. I hated myself so much that I really didn't think that I had anything to offer anyone. I don't think that anymore. I feel like I have clawed my way back and I know that there are plenty of people who would miss me. I love my life and I desperately want to see my little JBB grow up and into a man and have a family of his own.

I am sorry for being morbid but I need to get these thoughts out of me so that they are not festering around inside. I unfortunately consulted Dr Google about this and unfortunately that scared me more than alleviating any fears.

5 failed IVF cycles rest in peace....

We had a hard road to our son. I thought (as I am sure everyone does) that our first IVF cycle would be a walk in the park and that I would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant straight away, after all - there was nothing wrong with me, or so we thought. I have documented previously what followed and there is a summary on top of this blog but basically what happened was that the first cycle was cancelled and I was absolutely shocked when this happen, it had not even entered my thoughts. The second cycle I had no eggs at pick up. The third cycle I got one egg that fertilised but did not implant. I had a laparoscopy and found that I have one kidney and two uteruses and mega amounts of endo (they can't get all of it as it is right on my bowell). We took a break and I took DHEA (without consulting my fertility specialist) and I got 6 eggs at pick up, 2 of which fertilised but no implantation. The DHEA caused the endo to run rampant so I had to have another laparoscopy and I also had a lap band put in to lose weight. I lost 45kg's before our 5th cycle in a last ditch attempt to create some good eggs. Alas this was not to be, this cycle was also cancelled.

So, why am I reliving these horrible times? Well because I was chatting to JBB this week and I realised that I am glad that these cycles didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I still wish that JourneyMan and I could have sex at the right time of the month and boom, 9 months later we would have another baby but what I realised that I am grateful down to my bones is that we weren't successful with my eggs because if we were, JBB wouldn't exist. He is a special guy. His laughter can clear away all bad thoughts in my head. His cries of pain (he is teething at the moment) elicit an overflowing of maternal comfort. He is beautiful, he is clever, he is precious.

It feels good for those cycles to not have power over me anymore. There was a lot of grief there. They changed me irrevocably but at the end of the day, their failure brought me the greatest happiness of my life. I don't want to go all kumbaya on your arses but finally I have realised that these cycles that I thought bought me the most sadness in my life, actually opened the door to the greatest happiness.

A boy and his dog

I have been meaning to write about the burgeoning relationship between JBB and JourneyDog for a long time but today there was a cute incident that meant I just had to post about it. Of course in the beginning we did all of the things that you are meant to do when you have a dog and bring home a baby. We played crying babies on utube for JourneyDog to get used to the noise, we put the gate up to JBB's room months earlier so that JourneyDog would be used to not going in there and JourneyMan brought home a blanket from the hospital so that JourneyDog would become familiar with JBB's smell. When I came home with JBB, JourneyDog didn't know quite what to make of this little noisy bundle.

When I would get up for feeds in the middle of the night, JourneyDog would come and sit on my lap, the feeding pillow would go over the top and JBB would go on the pillow - this would happen during the day as well so I think that JourneyDog felt comfortable in the fact that he is still a loved member of the family. He still sleeps in our room and he is always with JBB and I throughout the day. There has not been that much change to his life (though now he knows when JBB is getting fed and sits under the chair waiting for any food to drop - this can be problematic cos getting pumpkin or carrots out of a white woolly coat is a real bitch) and he seems as happy as ever, which makes me very happy because so many people told me that as soon as a baby came along, JourneyDog would be banished to the backyard. I was determined for this not to happen, he was my baby when I wasn't able to have a baby, he comforted me when I was upset, he was there for me to shower love on - how could this love change? It most definitely hasn't - I love him just the same now that I have my beloved JBB.

When JourneyMan and I found out that we were having a boy, we hoped that JBB and JourneyDog would grow to be best mates. We talked about finding JourneyDog snuggled at the bottom of JBB's bed when he was older, we imagined a beautiful friendship between them. It has been touching over these past months to see a relationship developing between these two. One day, I saw a lovely moment when JBB was in his playgym on his tummy and JourneyDog came by. They looked at each other for a moment and JourneyDog started wagging his tail - it made me smile. When JBB goes in his Jolly Jumper, I throw JourneyDog's soft toys for him to run and bring back which makes JBB laugh. When JBB cries, JourneyDog looks at JourneyMan or I in askance as if to say 'the baby is upset, please help him!'. If JourneyDog is sitting on my lap while JBB is asleep and he starts to cry, JourneyDog will get off my lap straight away because he knows that I am going to get him.

Today, JBB was not too happy. He'd had his 6 month immunisations and was a bit out of sorts. He was on the floor playing when he started to cry. I went to go to him but JourneyDog got there first. He gave him a little lick on the cheek to see if it cheered him up and when that didn't work, he went and got his soft toy to play with in front of him, which I can only think was to cheer him up. Sure enough, JBB started to laugh at JourneyDog's antics. It brought tears to my eyes, what a beauty of a dog he is. I hugged them both for a long time (and of course JourneyDog got a little liver treat).

It makes me so happy that both of my little boys are getting along!!

So much going on!!

Okay, so I am very behind on my posting but I have a good excuse. Firstly, I have a new job - yay me!! This was quite a whirlwind because I was negotiating going back to my old job when this new one came on the line. The good news is that it is good money, I am working 3 days a week and they encourage people to work from home, yay again!! It looks like I will start next Tuesday so that will be good, we need some money so that we can get Thailand 2 underway!!

So, what else is going on? Well, I have been training very well and getting very fit with my bootcamp like sessions though I found out today that I have strained a stomach muscle - ouch!! In addition, I also have shingles - ouch again, I am not having too much fun right now. Our house is pretty sad at present because JBB had his 6 month injections today and he has also had diarrhea today and seems like we might be seeing some teeth make an appearance soon. JBB was up at 4am this morning and there was no getting him back into bed, I was up to my elbows in vomit and poo but, well that's motherhood - the poor little mite, he has been out of sorts as well.

I am nervous about going back to work. I am going to miss JBB sooooo much each day that I am away from him but unfortunately it is a necessity - we need the money. I am lucky that I have been able to spend so much time with him already and also the fact that I only have to work 3 days a week but it really feels too soon to hand him over to other people for a full day at a time. We are very lucky because he will be going to my Mum's for one day, JourneyMan's mum for another day and then daycare on another day. I haven't chosen the day care place yet, I am going to have a look at one tomorrow that I hope will be good.

Okay, I have to go now, I am honestly feel like total crappola.

The best of times, the worst of times....

On the good side of things, JBB is now 6 months old. Those 6 months have been the best and most cherished of my life. Every day he does something new. He is smiling and laughing more, he is starting to push up onto his knees, he is absolutely loving his swimming time each week. He is as cute as a button and every day, I love him more than the day before. Today, he was sitting with me and he spent minutes mesmerised by the faces that I was making at him and then when he was in the jolly jumper and JourneyDog was running around him, he was laughing hysterically - these are the precious moments that I love.

On the bad, my dad has been in hospital again and the situation is getting harder and harder for both my mum and dad. My brother's best mate from childhood died from cancer this week - he was only diagnosed 3 months ago and leaves behind his wife and 3 boys. He was a wonderful bloke from a beautiful family - sometimes life just does not seem fair.

On the positive side of things, my brother was a part of the eulogy. This is my brother who was deathly scared of public speaking who in the past 18 months has gotten sober and gone through rehab, got a hugely responsible job and is a runaway success at it - I couldn't be more proud of him. My brother was so close to death himself, he was dying in front of our eyes and to see how he has turned his life around makes my heart swell with love and pride.

On the bad side of things our neighbours in New Zealand have suffered a disastrous earthquake. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the friends and families of the dead, injured and missing - it is a heartbreaking event for all New Zealanders.

It is times like these that make me realise how I really must treasure every moment of our lives. I hope that you all had a wonderful weekend.