Bloody guilt.

I really hope that I get to do the cycle in December but I have lost a lot of the desperation that I had earlier in the week.  I was forced to look at the worst that could happen (ie. Cycle cancelled and we have to delay for a couple of months) and had accepted it by the time I spoke to my Melbourne Fertility Specialist.    There are many reasons that I hope that I can get to do the cycle in December and most of them are the usual, to give our delightful JBB a sibling, to get it over and done with, to get me closer to having a resolution of the cramp issue, to be done with IF once and for but there is a totally, selfish reason that I want to go in December and I hope that you won’t judge me because I already feel guilty about it.
 
I will miss JBB, JourneyMan and JourneyDog who is Woolly hugely while I am away – that goes without saying but I tell you, I am actually looking forward to having a break. I am absolutely exhausted at the moment, at any chance, I fall asleep on the couch or basically wherever and I have never been one for doing that. I have travelled many times before on my own and I am comfortable with it but it will be very strange to be without my boys especially over new years.

But I feel guilty, very guilty for wanting this break and it is hard not to think that I am being a selfish cow for wanting to sleep in. That is my main need really, sleep. I feel a lot that the people in my life really don't really realize how much of a toll a cycle takes, mentally, physically, emotionally and financially. Most days I am in constant pain, which in itself is exhausting but add in all of the things that I do for a cycle, then add in the financial pressure, the hormones coursing through my body, the constant worry about whether it will be successful or not, the effort it takes to try to be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend going around, to do my job sstisfactorially and generally not more that 6-7 hours of good quality sleep per night and you have a recipe of one tired woman.

I know that this describes most mothers out there, we all have too much on our plate and not enough hours to achieve it.

The thought of sleeping in for the time that I will be away is very seductive. I may even be able to have a disco nap by the pool. I am trying to be kinder to myself but honestly, am I the worst mother / wife in the world to be looking forward to all of that beautiful sleep?

The things people say...

I am still burning about a comment that one of the girls made to me when I picked up JBB from day care the other day. I had had a horrible day. I am still trying to find the best way to drive to and from work and the traffic on the way home was diabolical so I was late. Unfortunately, JBB was at the day care from 7am until 6:05pm. My nerves were frayed from the drive home knowing that I was eating in to my play time with JBB, with every passing minute I became more and more resentful of the time away from my darling boy. When I finally got there and saw him, my heart sang - the relief was amazing. It was short lived though, sadly - the girl said 'oh, here is the mother of the long lost baby'.

She might as well have punched me in the face, I was so shocked. Since then, I have run the gamut of emotions. Outrage that she could make such a judgement. Guilt that my little boy, the one that I went to hell and back to have, spent so long in day care, without me there to comfort and take care of him. Disappointment that my choices are so limited that if I want another baby, I have had to go back to work so soon. Anger at myself that some random woman's words could have such a profound effect on me.

I am hanging on a knife edge at the moment. I feel like if one small thing happens, I over-react hugely. I am really trying to hold it together as best as I possibly can. One agreement that I have made to myself is to make every moment with JBB count - no matter if it is when he is up in the middle of the night or he is giving me a cheeky smile when I get home, the time I have with him is precious.