What to say......

We went to a wedding on Saturday for one of my girlfriend’s.  It was a lovely day (though it didn’t end well, more on that later) and great to catch up with everyone after the Christmas / New Year period.

I had trouble talking about the pregnancy though, everyone wanted to know how I was feeling and how it was all going.  I wanted to tell them all was fine and good but I felt uncomfortable about it because I don’t feel like everything is fine.  I also didn’t really want to discuss the full truth because a) I didn’t want to face it myself and b) I didn’t want to bum anyone out – especially the couple of friends who are pregnant.

For the most part, I managed to avoid the in depth discussions but unfortunately I couldn’t avoid letting some people know and I feel uncomfortable about it.  I wish I could cheerfully say that all is great but that feels like a lie.

I guess that it is something that most pregnant women take for granted and certainly when all was fine, I would happily say ‘yes, I am feeling fine and all is going well’ but now such a simple question that I think that people feel obligated to ask, has become a minefield that makes me not want to go out and see anyone, I would just rather avoid the question rather than have to stumble over it.  Unfortunately, we have a lot of events coming up – my sister’s hens day and then her wedding being the main ones.

.I think that things are okay right now but I can’t help but be worried still.  I am definitely using the Doppler more, I used to use it about every 3-4 days but now I check every day.  Thankfully Boo2 is moving a lot more so that is very comforting.

We had to leave the wedding early on Saturday night.  I have been having lots of cramps all week and then Saturday everything just became worse.  The wedding was black tie, difficult for a pregnant woman to pull off – I felt like a red mountain in my dress.  The ceremony was at 3:30pm and things started to go pear shaped then as the cramps came on.  I took some paracetamol to see if I could head the cramps off at the pass but unfortunately, no dice.  We got to have a rest in between the ceremony and the reception – we also dropped off JBB to my sister’s place where my Mum was babysitting JBB and my sister’s son.

I wasn’t particularly worried, as I experienced pretty bad cramps throughout the pregnancy with JBB but it was very painful.  I thought that I could just put up with them for the night, I generally did pretty well with that through the pregnancy with JBB.  What I didn’t account for was how much worse they are this time and let me tell you, they were bad.  We had to leave the reception early and let me tell you, the reception was at one of Melbourne’s best restaurants and we had to go before dessert, I am gutted.  I also felt terrible for the friends on our table, who we basically bailed on without a word and also my lovely friend, the bride – I am sure she had a wonderful night though.

When we finally picked up JBB at my sisters, my Mum asked if I was alright and the previous hours of pain got to me and I burst into tears.  We got JBB and finally got home where JourneyMan got a hot water bottle for me and I tried to get the cramps under control to get to sleep.  I did get to sleep and slept well, JourneyMan took care of JBB while I had a sleep in.

This morning I remembered that at this time in the pregnancy with JBB, I had progesterone pessaries to help my small (deformed) uterus to stretch easier.  I called the OB but my normal one was away.  When I told the on call OB what had been happening, she wanted me to go in for a scan to make sure that my cervix was nice and closed and that Boo2 was not distressed.  It was all good on both counts and she has prescribed the pessaries for me so the next 3-4 days should see an improvement.

It has been an exhausting weekend.  Hopefully the pessaries will start to do their job asap and things will get a bit more comfortable.  It was nice today to get to see little Boo2 again though, I never regret an opportunity to ensure he is okay and it was delightful to see his little booiness again!

Scary Times

I had bad cramps last night – so bad that I could barely walk  I had cramps in the pregnancy with JBB as well but not so bad so early.  The only thing keeping me sane was the fact that there was no bleeding.  The sheer pain of the cramps had me worried enough to call the OB to see if there was anything that I could do.  Unfortunately my OB was on leave so I had to speak to another one who doesn’t know about all my issues but he did alleviate my fears enough to be able to sleep (after having some pain killers) and this morning when I woke up, they were almost gone.

I thought I wouldn’t have as many cramps this pregnancy because my uterus would have been stretched out with JBB.  I did some Dr Googling this morning and it turns out that people who have had caesareans seem to get worse cramping in subsequent pregnancies – bummer.

I am not sure whether I have any control of it.  I had pretty bad cramps last Tuesday as well and I have been trying to compare what I did on both those days but there doesn’t seem to be anything that I have really done that could have caused it.  Oh well, I will grit my teeth and thank my lucky stars that there is no bleeding!!! 

I am basically useless at the moment.  I am so tired that I can barely get anything done around the house, JourneyMan is an absolute godsend at the moment – he has been doing so much and I really appreciate it.

Over the weekend, we took JBB to the Royal Melbourne Show where he had an absolute ball!!  There is an animal nursery there where heaps of animals are wandering around to be patted, he thought it was the best thing ever – patting sheep, dogs, pigs, cows, chickens!  They also had a Sesame Street stage show on, he absolutely loves Elmo (or Melmo as he calls him) and was transfixed by the show.  There were rides everywhere and carnival games, flashing lights and people yelling - he was so overwhelmed by all of the fun things that when we got to the car (we drove some of the way and took the train the rest of the way) he was asleep in 2minutes.  It was a really fun day. 

Cramps and such

Honestly, the past couple of weeks have been tough. The cramps are back and they are back with a vengeance. They never really went away, I think I was just managing them because I was hoping that the cycle in Thailand was going to be successful and so I would have an end date on when I could get this fixed. It was so bad a couple of weeks ago, I almost went to emergency at the hospital. Basically, I am getting the bad ‘period’ type pains 3 weeks out of every month now – it is bloody hard to take, I tell you.

Unfortunately there is nothing that I can really do about them – as my fertility specialist has said, once I am done having kids, he then would recommend that I have a hysterectomy. This seems like a pretty big deal and at times when the cramps aren’t that bad, I wonder if it is worthwhile taking such a drastic step. However, the pain over the past couple of weeks has been convincing me otherwise. It is absolutely exhausting to be dealing with this pain constantly and despite my never ending search to find natural remedies that will help it, I have not found anything as yet.

It was definitely one of the reasons that I was so disappointed about the cycle failing – it leaves me once again with cramps for an indefinite amount of time.

It has been an interesting few weeks. We went away for a weekend with my family and it was a pretty nice time – we stayed on the Gippsland coast of Victoria and the place that we stayed at was amazing. JBB especially had a wonderful time with his cousins and all of the space that he had to explore.

It is interesting how easily it is to fall back into the IF mindset. I, once again, felt like I was behind a glass wall. I am reluctant to talk to most people (JourneyMan and my bestie being the exceptions of course) about going to Thailand again in December – I can’t help but think that I would prefer people didn’t know if I failed again. I am of course obsessed with the trip on the inside but for the most part, I am keeping to myself and not announcing it to the world like I did last time.

In other news, JourneyMan and I are doing a 5 day sugar detox – we are on day 2 and boy, it is pretty tough – I am absolutely exhausted though I don’t know if the exhaustion is related to the cramping, detox, raising a full on 14 month old toddler, working and planning another trip – perhaps all of them.

2DP5DT - Hello Koh Samui

We had a pretty stressful pre-flight. We queued up and then they told us to go and get JBB a ticket, then we went back and they told me that my name needed to be changed at the ticket counter because it was spelled wrong, so I traipsed back to the ticket counter and then back to the check in counter. JourneyMan took JBB to find a locker because we knew we would be over the baggage limit so we were storing some stuff until our flight home. I finally caught up with them at the other end of a very massive airport and we left our bag and then started to make our way to the gate. Unfortunately, it was up the other end of the airport and by this time, JBB was not happy Jan!!! (Australian reference, apologies to everyone else) The poor thing had only had about 20mins of his morning sleep in the car to the airport so he was seriously tired and cracking it.

The walk to the gate was absolutely crazy - I am sure that it was about 2km's away from where we began and we were rushing because the flight was already boarding. We finally got to the gate and of course, it wasn't boarding at all!! There were no baby change facilities in the toilets so poor JBB got a quick bum change on JourneyMan's knee and we were on the flight. We were dreading the flight because JBB was so tired but thankfully it was only an hour so we managed to keep him amused for the hour without too much protest.

Once we got to Koh Samui though, things changed for the way better!! Basically, we are in paradise. Our hotel is gorgeous, very quiet and funky (it has a red pool!). The weather was absolutely beautiful - sunny with high, white fluffy clouds. I always forget how gorgeously crystal blue and warm the water is!! We had lunch at the restaurant - on a deck overlooking the ocean, honestly, could it get any better? Then we took JBB for a swim in the ocean - he was not sure about it at first but then he came around. We then went into the pool and stayed in for ages. It was sooooo much fun and now it really feels like a holiday!

On the cycle side of things, it has been cramps a go go. I know that I had cramps on the last Thailand go but since the birth of JBB, cramps have been a hugely regular part of my life - unfortunately, so I don't really know what these ones mean, if anything.

Hopefully the sun will still be shining tomorrow and we can enjoy the beauty of our beloved Koh Samui.

4 More Sleeps!

Holy cow, where did those 3 days go, time is roaring by. I have hit the wall motivation wise. I am sure it will come back but at the moment, I am so exhausted, I haven't followed the schedule that I had set out for myself. It is not a big deal because I already was pretty organised but still, it would be good to get everything done.

One of the other factors for the past few days is that the prog.ynova has been causing quite bad cramps for the past four days. It is a tough thing to deal with day in and day out. After the last laparoscopy a couple of months ago, the pain had become manageable and I was thinking that if we are lucky enough to have another baby as a result of this cycle that I might be able to live with the pain rather than have the recommended hysterectomy. The cramps over this past week has reminded my why I was contemplating that as an option, though that is a decision for a much later date.

On the positive side of things, JBB has hit the accelerator and in the past two days has gone from cruising around, occassionally taking a step or two on his own to walking around everywhere, standing up on his own without holding on to anything and today, starting running - looks like we are going to get some exercise in Thailand!!

On top of all of that, my town Melbourne is in the midst of football finals fever with the grand final being tomorrow. My team is in it and I am lucky enough to be going. I love my footy but seriously, I just want the game over with so we can move on to the main event of Thailand. It has been a great distraction but I want to get my mind back onto Thailand full time.

Not long now!!

Feeling craptacular...

So, as you know, we started our healthy eating on Monday and now it is Wednesday night and I am eating biscuits (cookies to the US folk) - okay, so they are Weig.ht Watch.ers biscuits but still, they were not in the plan. So what has happened?

Well Monday was okay though I ate chicken in the morning and the band did not agree with that, oh no, precious, not at all! So that set me on a bad road because then I couldn't eat that much for the rest of the day. Yesterday I was able to eat better but I had the most horrendous headache of all time - unfortunately, this headache followed through until today and my first period after the pregnancy turned up.

Needless to say, I feel horrible. Headache, leg cramps (this is a new one - yay), back ache, cramps and starvingly hungry and not just for the turkey curry that I made for dinner (which was okay) but I wanted some sugar dammit. No excuses, I really wanted some biscuits. This is not helping the weight come off I wouldn't guess.

Oh well - back to the drawing board tomorrow.

Better news!

Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support.

Okay, after a pretty horrible week of stress and worry, I got a little sunshine yesterday when the scan was all clear - JBB is going great guns and put on a show for my sister who came with me to the scan yesterday as he was moving around wriggling like no tomorrow. The cervix has also stayed the same - cue big sigh of relief!!

The cramps have been a little better yesterday and today which I am extremly thankful for and am hoping that they go further away again in the next couple of days. We are off to the OB again this week so I think I will discuss the cramps with him further to make sure that all is okay.

On the home front, we have just had gas ducted heating put in - hurrah!!! Last year we went through the whole winter without proper heating, all we had was a little electric heater and I had an electric throw rug that I had on me when on the couch though sometimes I was so cold, I hugged the little electric heater outright. Now, we don't really have very cold winters in Melbourne, it never snows here and compared to may places it is pretty mild but you do need heating so I am very, very happy to have the central heating in and ready for JBB - there was no way we could go without proper heating once his precious little bottom comes along!!

The weather has turned cooler now and I am definitely loving it, though poor old JourneyMan sat through the footy last night in the pouring rain. We love rain here in Melbourne - we have been in drought so long, we relish every drop that comes our way (though I don't think that there was much relishing last night for JM!!) - JourneyDog and I were tucked up on the couch in the toasty warmth of our new heater. It is absolutely perfect weather today, my favourite time of year, quite warm and sunny but cool at night, lovely.

I am trying very hard to focus on the positives right now!! Happy weekend everyone!

Worried...

I am sure that you are all sick to death of the talk about the cramps but my goodness, they are pretty bad at the moment. I feel like I only really had a week or so of a reprieve when I started the progesterone and now they have come back with a vengeance, tonight is particularly bad. At last Friday's scan, my cervix had also shortened, not significantly (4mm - am hoping it is just the difference in the measuring by the sonographer) but enough to worry me. Cap that off with the fact that JourneyMan has finished his job and has not got a new one yet, I am in a bit of a hole of worry. I am hoping like hell that the cervix hangs in there because we need the money from my job right now - I am feeling quite alot of pressure. Don't get me wrong, JourneyMan is doing everything possible to get a job but I am feeling quite breathless with the crushing weight of responsibility right now.

My Dad also seems to be deteriorating quite rapidly. He had been in the hospital for 3 weeks but he got out just in time for him and Mum to go with some friends to Norfolk Island, I think it will be the last time he can go on holiday. The specialists have reiterated that there is nothing further that they can do about the hydrocephalus but they also said that he would deteriorate much quicker if he got any infections and he has had pneumonia which hasn't helped matters. It is such a tough situation because he cannot reason about the situation and is getting more agressive and paranoid as time goes on.

On the positive side of things, JBB has been moving around like crazy. JourneyMan has even felt it a couple of times and his face was fabulous when he felt him do a big kick.

I am trying to relax as much as possible but at the moment, I am finding it quite tough. I am hoping JBB is going well. I am hoping that the cervix is all good at this Friday's check. I am hoping JourneyMan gets a job really soon. I am hoping my Dad finds some peace within himself.

Cramps galore!

Well, it has been an eventful few days. Friday's scan went very well, nice long and closed cervix, no drama's getting there and JBB all good. They did another check to make sure that JBB is indeed a boy - yes, he is there is no doubt about it - yay!!

Saturday I had my normal day of going to the market for the weeks food shopping but beforehand JourneyMan and I did a (very overdue) house clean. After the market, my Mum and I headed off to a maternity clothes sale and I got a couple of pants - a black pair that are just sensational. some nice work ones and I nice jumper for the winter since I have pretty much nothing that will fit once winter hits! So, I was pretty exhausted when I got home from all of my adventures and I hit the couch in a bit way.

A couple of hours later, I started getting really bad cramps. They were so bad that I could barely walk hunched over to the bathroom to get some painkillers. JourneyMan was over at his friends house and I called him and couldn't stop crying because I was so scared. Poor JourneyMan was very worried and talked to his best friend's wife who gave some suggestions which JourneyMan texted me. I know that the doctor told me last time that some people get period cramps all through their pregnancy but it is still very freaky and hard not to think that something is wrong.

Since then, I have been getting cramps everyday. No bleeding thankfully but still, it has been a rough few days cramps wise. Yesterday, the dizzyness also came back with a vengeance - though I haven't fallen over thank goodness.

Not much else happening at the moment - mostly I am just trying to stay in as positive frame of mind as possible.