36 Weeks and breathing normally (for the most part)!

So, I have made it to 36 weeks - honestly, I am so happy to have gotten to this point and was so doubtful at times in the pregnancy that I would even get here.  The panic and doubt continued last week, I started to get some greenish discharge and called the fill in OB to see if it was anything to worry about.  I get a bit worried if I see green down there because I only have one kidney and infections are a huge deal to me.  The fill in OB said that I could come in for a swab last Friday to see her or I could wait and see my regular Doc on Monday.   I asked her if it was urgent and she said 'well the baby is still in there so not very urgent'.  This upset me greatly - I feel like she thought I was being hysterical when I felt that caution was needed because of my history.

Needless to say, I chose to wait to see my normal OB on Monday and, as usual, he was fabulous.  I told him of all of my concerns and he was extremely comforting.  He sent me off to get the tests redone to make 100% sure that all was good.  I also had to have a urine test to check for UTI's and then I was also sent to be monitored (baby heartbeat and any contractions) for around 40 mins.  Everything came back all good so I have breathed a  huge sigh of relief.  I don't think that I will fully relax until I am holding him in my arms but at least I am not in full panic mode like I was for the past couple of weeks.

So now I feel like I am enjoying these last weeks.  I am still in a lot of pain from sciatica and being so heavy but the extra time that I am able to spend just with me and JBB is absolutely priceless.  He is at such a funny age, he cracks me up with his faces and jokes - he loves to make me laugh!!  His speech has really improved over the last couple of months and he is going really, really well.  We do have days of power struggles though, he is after all, 2 and is trying to assert his authority.  He likes choice this kid and some of the struggles are about the most minuscule things!!  The weather has turned cold but he always wants to only wear a t-shirt when he gets out of bed (then whinges about being cold).  I have found that if I give him the choice between two jumpers, he will consent to wearing one.  For breakfast, I always have to give two choices (peanut butter or vegemite on your toast? Weet Bix or porridge?) which seems to cut out most of the tantrums though he now likes to negotiate 'yoghurt first, then toast', which cracks me up.

It is surreal that in just 3 short weeks, we will be a family of 5 (including JourneyDog of course) and that our lives will once again change forever.  I am so excited to meet our little man and to see what he is going to be like.  

Exciting times - only 19 days to go!!

Finally some good news

Yes, the liver tests that I had come up all clear.  It hasn't cleared the itching but at least I am no longer (too much!) fearful for Boo2.  I am very thankful that these tests came up fine, I have relaxed a little bit again (a very small bit).

That being said.  I had a breakdown on Monday.  I think what caused it was plain old panic.  Panic about the baby, panic that I am not going to be able to handle both kids, panic about the Ceasar.  I am not really sure if this is really the truth but I was definitely in a panic because the prior week had felt like a year and that I still had 4 weeks to go and I didn't know how I was going to get through.

There was an element of emotional exhaustion here too.  I have been worried about Boo2 from day 1.  Certainly even prior to day 1 - here was our last chance to provide a full blood sibling for JBB and the worry that we would have to go back for a full fresh cycle with a new donor was not a prospect that we wanted to think too much about.  Add on my Dad's death and grieving through the whole pregnancy, I think I am just exhausted from it all.

I was also plain afraid that my body would let me down, that I wasn't providing a safe place for Boo2 to grow and flourish.  I want to see his face, I want to hold him in my arms and watch him breathe safely and assuredly, I want to know that he is safe.

I know that a lot of this was also hormones but I just couldn't stop crying.  I disturbed JourneyMan many times at work and finally I got on to my sister and went over there for lunch.  Just to talk about everything out loud helped.  There wasn't really anything anyone could say that would help, I just needed to get the words out of me so that I could move past them.

Yesterday, JBB and I spent a lovely day at the beach with my older sister and her 3 boys, my younger sister and her son and my Mum.  Just having the supportive company that they bring and seeing JBB laughing and having a ball helped wash away anxiety.  I am still worried, I am still fearful but I am now, at least, not panicking so much that I am crying.

Over the past 24 hours, I have re-read quite a bit of my blog of the last days of being pregnant (I had SOOO much more energy last time!!) and the first months of JBB's life - it has been good to read that I was also fearful then and that I came through.  At least I feel a little bit more confident in my parenting abilities this time.

Pregnancy wise, I think I have actually dropped, my younger sister noticed and made the comment yesterday too.  I don't know if this means that Boo2 is on his way but it is another milestone (I can't actually remember this happening with JBB) and I am very glad of it.

The last time....

As this pregnancy draws to a close, it is becoming more and more apparent to me that this is the last time.  We know that we will not be doing any more cycles and not having any more children.  There is some part of me that is really, really sad about this fact but another part of me that is very relieved.  Relieved that the anguish of cycles are over and 

It's taken me a long time to admit but the only thing that I like about being pregnant is the feeling of connection to the child, feeling them move and kick inside me, knowing that I am already nurturing them.  For the rest of it (and this is a VERY hard thing for an infertile to admit), I find being pregnant very, very hard.  The fear, being uncomfortable most of the time, the physical cost that it takes, the recovery from the birth.  The one thing that I know at the end of this pregancy, it's absolutely worth it when I am holding the precious baby in my arms.

So, knowing that this is the last time that I will be pregnant, we have booked in to have some pregnancy and newborn shots done.  We didn't do this with JBB, I am not exactly sure why but I do suspect that it was to do with 'tempting fate' or just the fact that we had so much going on in the lead up to JBB being born - ie. renovating renovating our house.  I am really happy that we are doing it but am also really aprehensive.  I have never really been huge friends with my body and being in photo's when I am feeling pretty bad about my body is a bit daunting.  I know it will be really great for JBB and Boo2 to look at one day and I guess even I will look back and want to remember.

JBB has taken to talking about Boo2 more and more.  He has told us that he will share his toys (I hope so) with him and that there is a chair for Boo2 at his little table.  I talk to him quite a bit about what will happen when Boo2 comes along.  I want him to be as prepared as possible though I know that it is is going to be quite a shock for him too.

In weather news, it has finally broken.  It was lovely and cool last night and we all got a good night's sleep, thank goodness!!  It is still going to be warm during the days but some cool nights will really help matters!!

Exciting times ahead, only 2 more weeks of work to go - yay!!

2 Vessel Cord

After yesterday’s scan, JourneyMan and I did some research on the internet and then the panic started.  We found that 2 vessel cords increased the incidence of chromosomal and congenital defects (especially of the heart and kidney’s).  It also significantly increased the risks of still birth and low birth weight babies.

I tried not to worry until we spoke to our OB today but of course, the worries crept in.  Unfortunately, it is not only the 2 vessel cord that we need to contend with – it is the unicornuate uterus that can also contribute complications (incompetent cervix, high risk of miscarriage, preterm labour and low birth weight) as well as the factor V leiden which can cause late term miscarriage, higher risk of blood clots, early onset of pre-eclampsia , higher risk of placental abruption and a higher incidence of poor fetal growth.

It made me start to wonder ‘how many chips can you have stacked against you before it all crumbles?’  Is this 2 vessel cord the straw that broke the camel’s back?  I didn’t sleep well last night.  I had many scenario’s running through my mind. 

Luckily the appointment was pretty early and I have the best OB in the world.  He launched straight in to what was going to happen with the 2 vessel cord and then gave us plenty of time to ask questions.  I knew that my OB would have dealt with this before because he specialises in high risk pregnancies and multiples and apparently the 2 vessel cord is more prevalent in twin pregnancies.  Indeed, he told us that he is writing a paper on the impact of the 2 vessel cord right now.  I love this man.

Here is the good news:

• It is unlikely that Boo2 is suffering any chromosomal issues because we were already tested at came back with a very low risk
• It is unlikely that the heart and kidney’s have congenital deformities because when the sonographers picked up the 2 vessel cord, they double checked the heart and kidney’s closely to ensure all is good – it is.
• The likelihood of stillbirth does increase but they will monitor very closely from 32 and if there is any distress, they will get the baby out asap
• At present he is measuring pretty much on the button for 21 weeks (he measured 21 weeks and 1 day on most of his measurements except his head which was 22 weeks and 1 day and the day of the scan was 21 weeks and 3 days)

Here is the not so great news:

• If there is any restriction of growth, they will have to get the baby out early to reduce the stillbirth risk and that is always risky (but better than stillborn)
• The risk of a low birth weight baby with the 2 vessel cord has increased by 30%
• Boo2 and I have a lot of risks to contend with – I hope he is as willing as I am to fight with all I have to get him safely and healthy into the world

The doctor made me feel much, much better but I don’t think that I will be without worry for the rest of the pregnancy.  The most comforting thing that he said was that ‘the important thing is that I know about it, if I know about it, I can carefully treat it’ – I am glad that he knows too.  This man who brought my darling JBB, the light of my life, into the world safely – I trust him and hope that he can do the same for little Boo2.  The irony of the situation is that yesterday was the first scan for Boo2 that I went to that I wasn’t worried about hearing a heartbeat, I wasn’t even worried that there was something wrong.  I went in there confident that all was good.

I guess that it is just not in my plan to have a worry free pregnancy.  I absolutely, 100% don’t care if I have to worry through the next 17 weeks, if I have a healthy baby at the end of it.  It is not the pregnancy that I care about, it is the little life that I hope to meet (not for another 17 weeks Boo2 – listen to Mummy please!) and nurture into the future.

So, I feel much better today than I did yesterday.  I am going to have to take one day at a time and be thankful that I have been given this most amazing of gifts.  I am asking my angels for the help to keep my little darling Boo2 safe and sound.

Much to Tell...

There has been a lot going on over here.  Last Saturday would have been my Dad's 70th birthday so it was a pretty sad day.  We got together as a family and celebrated his birthday together.  I miss him.  I know that people expect you to get over these things very quickly but it is not so easy.  I still have a cry about it most weeks.  I cried on the way to work this morning.  I went to the market in the morning on Saturday and what with the emotionality of the rest of the day, I was exhausted when I got home and I started getting cramps - cramps in a position that I had never gotten them before - immediately, I started to worry.

JourneyMan takes JBB to swimming lessons on Sunday mornings so I was free to have a sleep in and even though I went to bed at 9:30pm, I didn't wake up until 9:50am - what!?!?!  I did have a couple of get ups to go to the loo but still, that is one loooooong sleep.  I felt so much better after it such an amazing rest and even though the weather was beautiful on Sunday, we had a nice quiet family day at home in the backyard.  The cramps didn't come back so I relaxed a bit.

I got a call from my Mum at 6am on Monday morning telling me that she was sick and could I work from her place because she couldn't take care of JBB on her own.  Of course I said yes but when I got there, she was worse than I thought, she couldn't lift her hands above her head, she couldn't do up her bra or pull up her pants the whole way.  I was REALLY worried.  I took her up to the doctors and it turns out that she has polymyalgia.  It's a condition that causes pain and stiffness in the joints. Unfortunately, in the course of getting JBB in and out of the car so many times, I did my back (which is always pretty dodgy anyway).  When I got home that night, I was absolutely exhausted again.  Interestingly enough, the drug that they have prescribed Mum is the same one that I have on the cycles - a steroid to help the pain and reduce inflammation.

Thankfully, when I called my Mum the next day, she had already started to feel a little better.  My back was also feeling a little better on Tuesday but still a little tender.  In the afternoon, the cramps came back with a vengeance and were accompanied by a discharge.  I immediately packed up my work and left.  I called the OB on the way home, he said that even though it was in a different area than I normally have - this was in the cervix, he thought it was still stretching pains but because of my uterus shape (which is linked with incompetent cervix), he wanted me to go in for an ultrasound the following day, despite having one booked for Thursday.  I was worried, I couldn't help but imagine the worst.  I tried to put it out of my mind as much as possible but I was still worried.

JourneyMan and my Bestie came with me to the scan - I really wanted my people with me to have the support.  Thankfully, the scan revealed a delightful picture of the new but and we could see the heartbeat straight away, I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  The baby is measuring perfectly and everything is going really, really well.

I am happy to reveal that we are having........ A BOY!!!  We are SOOOOOOO happy!!  There was a moment of sadness that I won't experience having a daughter but that evaporated quickly and a smile has been on my face since.  I am destined to be surrounded by blokes - even JourneyDog who is Woolly is a boy.  I am in love with our new little baby boy already and I am so very happy that we will all be a family.

They checked my cervix and everything there is perfect as well so we are still very much on track.  

The other lovely news is that I can feel my darling boy moving - I don't think that I had forgotten how special this was but it is such a special time.  Only I can feel him moving, it's our own little special secret.

JBB is also a complete and utter darling.  Today, we experienced a ridiculously hot, 39 degree day (102 F) - our hottest November day since 1997.  I thought I would take JBB to the pool straight after day care because really there was no other way to get really cool.  We normally go to a pool near to our old house but in my wisdom, I thought I would try the one a little closer to the new house.  Wrong, there was massive construction going on there and we ended up walking for 20mins in the blazing sun to get to the pool.  I was not feeling great and must of been whinging a bit because JBB said 'Mummy, stop, hugs' - he gave me a hug to feel better.  He is honestly the sweetest little boy that ever lived.  I am a little ashamed that I had to be comforted by my two year old but also proud that he has the ability to give comfort. Every day, he amazes me with the new words that he knows, the songs he can sing and the jokes that he can tell - he just loves to make us laugh.  

Now that I know that the baby is a boy, I still can't help but be a little sad that he won't meet my Dad and I don't want him to feel a bit left out that he didn't get to meet him when JBB did.  A thought struck me this morning though, maybe my Dad went to get our darling boy and make sure that he got to us.   That makes the relationship between the two special.  I have resolved to tell our new little baby boy this when I tell him about my Dad.  It feels like the truth to me too.

A very big week in the Journey household.  

A Catalogue of Pregnancy Symptoms:

Morning sickness:  Check – definitely have been having morning sickness from very early on and as with JBB, it is generally all day on and off.  Some days are better than others though – today is a good day, thankfully!!

Weight gain – whilst not a symptom as such, it is really a result of the massive amounts of food that I’ve been eating.  My biggest problem is that I have always thought that the cure for feeling sick is to eat (yes, sad I know) and unfortunately, I have been feeling sick a lot of the time so that has equated to eating a lot of the time.  I try to eat as healthily as possible but I can’t say that I haven’t gone to the dark side (macca’s, fish and chips etc) occasionally.  I am trying to reign myself in at the moment so that I don’t put on ridiculous amounts of weight during the pregnancy.

Bump – yes, you read right, 8 weeks and 3 days and there is already a bump.  I am sure most of it has to do with the above eating pattern but underneath the big layer of fat, I can feel a genuine bump there.  I am pretty embarrassed to be showing so early and of course no one from work knows, so I am hiding under massive baggy clothes.

Cramps – I am still getting cramps, some days are better than others and I (touch wood) have only had two of the very bad episodes in the last couple of weeks.  Hopefully things are stretching nicely at present!

No clothes at the Inn – since I already have a bump and the cramps make it extremely uncomfortable to have ANY pressure on my stomach, I am struggling for clothes, even my fat pants don’t do the job.  Yes, I have resorted to some maternity pants and on the weekend I had to buy some ‘harry high pants’ pants.  Today, I made the mistake of wearing normal skirt with normal leggings – wrong!!  I have been uncomfortable all day and the pressure on the stomach is very unpleasant.

Exhaustion – I am having trouble peeling myself from the couch at the moment.  When I get home from work, it is a struggle to get dinner for all of us and get JBB into bed.  The worst part is that I am also not sleeping well.  I keep waking up at 2am (to go to the toilet and I check on JBB at this time too) and 4am (another toilet break and a check on JBB) and then I can’t get to sleep.  I am very, very tired.  This morning, I got up at 5:30am and went for a walk for half an hour so at least that was a little productive.

Frequent urination – check – yep, got this one too but I am also thirsty all the time and making sure that I am drinking heaps of water so this could be a result of that.  I usually am able to sleep through the night without a toilet stop but at the moment I am on 2 a night.

That’s pretty much it – so I feel pretty crap but in the best way.  It makes me very happy to do this catalogue, I hope that all this means that this pregnancy is going to stick around.

Something I can’t get off my mind

I am going to a baby shower in a few weeks and apart from the fact that I am not telling any of my friends (except my bestie who is coming – yayers!) about the cycle in Thailand in August, I don’t mind baby showers now.  They used to hold so many emotions for me, jealousy, hope, wishful thinking, hurt, self pity but now they are a genuine chance to be happy for my friends who are having babies. I am lucky enough to have had my baby shower and I am happy not to have another one (though I still want another baby of course!!).

The friend whose shower it is for is 43 and is pregnant with her boyfriend of a year.  There is no judgement there, I more than anyone else know how loud the biological clock can tick and definitely would have preferred a baby over a wedding any day of the week.  She also has a long history of bad luck with boyfriends and had basically given up any chance of a baby of her own a while ago, so I am very happy indeed at her change in circumstances.

I saw her awhile ago and was really excited to talk to her about the baby.  I was pretty much shut down though (she was about 20 weeks at the time) when she really brushed aside my congratulations.  In my mind, I thought ‘weird’ but tried again.  ‘So how are you feeling, it must be all very exciting?’  Her answer to this was ‘not really, it is all pretty boring’.  She also told me that she didn’t see the point in stopping work early (I wanted to let her know to enjoy those halcyon days when you finish work and the baby hasn’t come yet because there is not much sleep for a while after that) and said that she is working up until the week the baby is due.  Ooooookay, no worries, everyone is different and have there own choices to make, right?

Generally, I consider myself a pretty inclusive person – I really don’t mind what anyone does (as long as they are not hurting anyone else of course) but this burned me and I have been thinking about it for weeks.  Let me recap – she got pregnant at 43 without any trouble that is surely worth a bit of excitement and gratitude!!!  I have felt really affronted by her lack of excitement, or even any real interest.  I know that this is really about me and my journey and probably the fact that I worked so hard for my pregnancy but didn’t really enjoy it because I was so worried, so I know that it’s not her fault, it’s mine.  I didn’t know that something like this would bother me so much but I wanted to shake the pregnant woman and tell her to be excited, dammit.  Not really good behaviour for polite company!!

I hope that there is a little more excitement at the baby shower, either way, I promise there will be no shaking of the pregnant lady.

One week to go!!!

Holy cow, people we are getting close now!! At this time in a week, our gorgeous JBB will be here and in our arms - whoo hooo, soooooo excited!!!

I am having a big rest day today, yesterday my Mum and older sister came over to help me out with the cookup and we did enough meals to last us for 3 weeks, the freezers are all completely full with healthy, nutritious meals - yay!! Gosh, it was a looooooonnnng day though and I was absolutely exhausted by the end of it. I also had some pretty bad cramps which made me a bit nervous but they were braxton hicks I believe - my sister and Mum said I would know if it was labour and thankfully they were right because it went away by the night.

So, today I am hitting the couch hard core to get some serious rest in. I have a busy day tommorow as I am off for a swim, facial and lunch with my bestie - I am really looking forward to spending the day with her - we used to travel together all of the time and when we were away we would float for hours in the pools just chatting - that's what I am really looking forward to, floating around, chatting with my mate!!

Tomorrow night I am off to the footy and then I don't have a huge amount planned for the weekend, just the market and brunch on Saturday and then some more couch time on Sunday.

I am all ready now. The hospital bag is all packed (though JourneyMan needs to pack his items!!), the house is ready, we are ready!!

Let the countdown begin - 7 more sleeps to go!!

We're ready (and computer is back - whoo hoo!!)

Hurrah people - we have the computer back!! I am SOOOOO happy - now I can catch up on what you are all doing and can let you know everything that is on my mind!! Yay!!!

We are now ready. The kitchen is absolutely completed and the house is pretty much done. There are only a few small issues to fix up and they will be completed this week!! I am SOOOOOO happy with the renovations, the house is now beautiful and lovely and clean!! JBB's room is all ready for him to come back from the hospital too! We have a little gate on the door so that Journey Dog who is Woolly can stay out of the room but see what is going on in there. The car seat is all ready in the car, even the cradle has been all made up!

I have another OB appointment tomorrow that hopefully everything will still be going well and I have some girlfriends coming around for lunch this week which should be wonderful. I haven't had many friends around for a long time because the house couldn't really cope with more than one or two visitors at a time - there will be 7 friends coming over with 1-2 children each so the house will definitely be put under some pressure!! It should be a good fun week, I hope!

The Baby Shower

Well the much dreaded and panicked over baby shower was yesterday and it was a really, really wonderful day. I am SOOOOO glad that I had it and didn't let my neurosis rule my life. My family and friends were so wonderful and generous, I am completely touched.

The lead up week to the shower was pretty full on. We moved back home to our house on Tuesday night and we still have not completely unpacked the house. I have let go of my need to have absolutely everything perfect by the time that I finish work - basically because it is impossible but also because I would be pushed to the limit to do so. The people at work finally realised that I am finishing next Friday and they all went into a panic and have been asking me to help out with heaps of extra stuff. I have realised that my last week is going to be a hectic one and then hopefully I will have 5 weeks of relaxing and pottering around the house getting ready for the arrival of Riley.

Friday was a pretty busy day, I was up early to have my 32 week scan and happily, JBB is going along fantastically. He is growing extremely well - indeed he already weighs 4lbs, 5 oz's - whoo hoo! Everything was great so I am absolutely over the moon! The rest of Friday I spent getting my hair cut and coloured (I feel so much better!) and cooking up a storm with my mum for the baby shower.

On Saturday, we went to the market to get a few last things for the shower, so I was up early and then I headed home, quickly got ready and went over to help my mum with the last preparations. My bestie and older sister also came along to help out getting everything done and then everyone started arriving at 1pm. It was lovely to catch up with everyone and I was really overwhelmed by their generosity.

My mum said to me - how amazing is it that this is your baby shower? - and it was, totally amazing. I couldn't help but think of the many other baby showers that I had been to and cried on the way home, wishing it was me. In my heart, I always knew that I would have a baby shower for me and my forthcoming child - I knew that I wouldn't stop until I was holding my own baby in my arms, regardless of how they would get there - donor eggs, surrogacy, adoption. It was a wonderful day, one of the best days. It means so much to me that I could celebrate the the joy of welcoming JBB into our lives with the people that mean so much to me. I felt a little bit more of myself again and the joy of it is completely overwhelming.

I am lucky and blessed, I absolutely know this. I have read back over some of my past posts and realise that I have been fairly negative about the pregnancy. This is not actually how I feel, I have had worries, yes but there has never been one moment that I have not been amazed and grateful at being able to experience this pregnancy myself - I guess that may have not come across as I have used the blog mainly to vent my frustrations.

There is less than 6 weeks to go of this pregnancy and I am determined to enjoy every last minute of it.

Excitement!!

I have started to get really, really excited now! There is so much going on and so much still left to do but I have started to allow myself to really get excited now. I say 'allow myself' because most of the time during the pregnancy I have put the stoppers on the excitement. Firstly, I wanted to get to 12 weeks before I could get excited, then I wanted to get to 20 weeks because that seemed like a good milestone. Then I was aiming for 29 weeks because 90% of babies survive if they are born at this point, now I am 31 weeks and I feel like I can finally get excited about our little JBB.

Alot of this is because of a conversation that I had with another contractor at work, his wife is 4 weeks behind me and last week he was very happy that they had reached the 3rd trimester. He also said that he realised that the worrying doesn't stop about the baby for the rest of his life now and that really set a light bulb off in my head. I am never going to stop worrying that something may happen to our JBB but I am now not going to stop me getting excited about meeting him and taking care of him. I am sure that most of you are thinking '**sigh**, about time!!' and I wouldn't blame you, gosh, I have been doom and gloom alot throughout this pregnancy - grateful - yes, cautiously optimistic - yes but happy and excited - well, that has just kicked in now - better late than never hey!! I am going to have to make the most of every minute over the next 6 and a half weeks until our precious little bundle is born!

In other news, we are still living at my Mum and Dad's place, we are back in our own place tomorrow (yay!!). It hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be but all the same - I will be happy to have my own space back again! It has been pretty restful not thinking 'I have to do this and this and this' every minute of the day and the weekend was pretty cruisy, thank goodness. There is still quite a bit to do at our house, though most of the big things have been done - the backyard is a bit of a bugger though - I have to see what we can do there quite quickly. I am hoping to get the painting in the kitchen done by the end of this week and hopefully the kitchen floating floors and the last few items can be finished by the end of next week, that would be fabulous! I only have 2 weeks of work left and I am looking forward to finishing up. I have the baby shower this Saturday, I am not really looking forward to it that much but I am sure that it will be nice on the day.

Well, best be off - hope you all are well, I have alot of blog reading to catch up on!!

Overwhelmed....

I have been a bad, bad blogger. Time seems to be slipping away without me even knowing it and the crazy part of it is, I have badly needed to blog to get some of the emotional turmoil from me but just haven't had a chance to sit down and do it.

Firstly, let me just update you on where everything is at with the various areas of our lives.

JourneyBabyBoy - is going very, very well. He is growing gangbusters though I only know from the feel of him because the weekly scans are over and done. Last Friday felt a bit weird cos I didn't have to get up and go to see my little man. He is moving around quite alot and I have heard of some pregnant ladies complaining that their little one keeps them up at night with movement, I love each and every move as it provides me with assurance that he is all well and good. That being said, it is getting harder and harder to sleep so I do understand where these mums-to-be are coming from but for me, if I have to be woken at night, that is a reason that I am happy with (an example of a reason why I have trouble sleeping at night is that JM and I watched Paranormal on pay TV the other week and I woke up in fear a few times the night after - der, I mean how dumb can I be?!?!). Anyway, the upshot is that JBB is going well and my stomach seems to be doubling in size on a weekly basis which is great!! I have an appointment with the OB on Monday (I am on appointments every 3 weeks at the moment) and so I am hoping to continue on in the good books! Oh and I forgot - my second gestational diabetes test came up negative - whoo hooo!

At home the renovations continue apace and the laundry is done (waiting for it to dry and the kitchen is almost done, we just have the painting and floors left to go and I am hoping that the much longed for dishwasher is installed by the time I get home tonight. We have the electrician coming tomorrow to finish off the electrical work and over the weekend we need to move all of the house into the kitchen, bathroom, garage and laundry so that we can get the floorboards polished and we are going to be living with my Mum and Dad for at least a week. I am not really looking forward to this because I just have had a run in with my Dad today because of his agressive shouting at my Mum, he was being extremely bullying and blaming her for his situation and even though I know that the sickness contributes to this, I cannot have him bullying my Mum in my presence - it's not on. After they left for awhile, I was so shaken that I cried for awhile. Anyway, moving in with them for a week is not going to be really fun - I am pretty much dreading it but we don't have anywhere else to go.

So, onto my emotions - as you can see from the above - the rollercoaster continues. I am finding everything extremely overwhelming at the moment and am finding that the smallest thing will cause me to overreact hugely. The main way that I deal with emotionality is to remove myself from people as I am extremely afraid of yelling at the them, saying something that I regret, reacting to something that they said or crying in front of them. It makes me very happy that I have a flexible work environment and can work from home alot of the time so that I can avoid being in situations where I will get emotional around people. The trouble is that for the past few weeks I have had people in the house pretty much the whole time so I have not had an escape and things have happened - especially today. I had the run in with my Dad but also had a run in with one of my bosses - I apologised for it but am very unimpressed with my behaviour. I feel like I am drowning in emotions!

The other reason that I am feeling overwhelmed is that JM and I went to a Post Natal, Early Childhood class on Monday night and honestly, they must have packed 8 hours worth of information into the 3 1/2 hour class - my head was absolutely spinning. This class really brought out the fear in me - What if I can't cope? What if I have waiting all this time and gone through all of these things and am a terrible mother? What if I wreck this little JBB's life? Honestly, I guess it is not just about being overwhelmed and hormones but it is just straight out and out fear. Hopefully I will get myself together soon.

I will try to update again in the next couple days but with having to pack and move practically the whole house, I think it will be after the OB's appointment on Monday. I will also endeavour to catch up on where you are all at - I haven't had a chance to read any blogs - hope you are all going well!!

Lots of information...

It has been a tough, tough week. I don't think I have ever been so exhausted in all of my life. Let's start with the work front:

JourneyMan has started his new job and is going well, sounds like he is enjoying it though of course there is a steep learning curve in those first few weeks! My work is going okay though I only have around 5-6 weeks left and I have absolutely stacks to do!

On the home front, the renovations are in full swing. We had all of the new appliances delivered on Tuesday (except for the long awaited dishwasher which is on back order - doh!). On Wednesday we had the plumber and electrician come by to do the rough in for the kitchen and on Thursday, the installer put in all of the cabinetry. My goodness, I am blown away by how fantastic it is - we have gone from tiny 1970 kitchen to huge, functional 2010 kitchen - fabulous!! Friday, the electrician came back to put in all of the new powerpoints and a saftey switch (very important!) but he still has a couple of days work still to do. We still need to tile the splash back, paint, get the gas cooktop and dishwasher connected by the plumber and put in the new floating floorboards so this week will be more of people coming and going in the house all week.

I am finding that very difficult as I wasn't able to have an afternoon sleep any day except Friday last week which made me get tireder and tireder as the week wore on. This brings me to my next update.

Pregnancy update. I had my 28 week visit with the OB and everything went swimmingly - JourneyBaby is growing nicely, the cervix is behaving well and we are booked in for the ceaserean on the 19th August - yay!! This is also my older sisters birthday and she is chuffed to be sharing her birthday with her new nephew!! On the same day, I had the glucose tolerance test to see if I am at risk of gestational diabetes and I got the result on Thurday - unfortunately, yes I am at risk. This meant that I had to have another test, a fasting one that would take my glucose levels over 2 hours which I did on Friday. I don't have the result of that test as yet. I am really hoping that I don't have GD as I am worried about my one kidney and hoping that it won't damage it. I feel a bit put upon testing high in the glucose because my glucose levels have always been good before so it was one thing that I wasn't particularly worried about and considering the high risk nature of this pregnancy and all of the additional monitoring, tests and additional drugs and injections I have had to have, I was really hoping to be spared this. I will most likely find out tomorrow.

I also caught JourneyMan's cold during the week so this didn't help matters. I am absolutely exhausted but there is a very real positive side to everything. If I have to go on a special diet for the GD, it will be healthier for JBB. The more the people are coming in and out of the house, the sooner the house will be ready and done! I am hoping that this week will be a better week - hopefully I will throw off this cold and gets some extra sleep so that I can feel a bit better!

Baby Shower Blues....

I have been away from ICLW for a couple of months and it is great to be back in amongst it. Sorry all, I am not doing an ICLW post this month but welcome aboard and I hope that you stay and read a few posts to see where this blog is at. Sorry, this was not my ideal ICLW post but I really need to get this out.

**Disclaimer: Firstly, I just want to let you know that I am extremely grateful to be in the position of being able to plan a baby shower. I know I am having a whinge but I want you to know that I absolutely realise that there are many of you out there who are at various stages of TTC and running the gauntlet of friends and families baby showers - with your hearts yearning to have your own. My heart is with you gals as I do understand the difficult situation a baby shower is for the IF woman. I am begging you to forgive the self indulgence of the following vent.

Now, I need to have a bit of a vent because being an IF survivor, the baby shower has been very fraught for me over the years. I cannot count how many I have gone to and sobbed all the way home or felt physically sick trying to make myself get ready to go. So, when I found out that I was pregnant, after awhile I started to dream about my own shower and how lovely it would be. To be the one who was having the shower, who was having the baby, who was cooing over tiny little clothes and preparing for a baby to enter my life. It is a beautiful dream.

A couple of months ago, my Aunty very kindly asked if she could throw the baby shower for me and considering the situation that my mum is in at the moment, I thought that this would be a really good thing. After awhile (making sure that everything was going well) I picked out a date and left it at that.

In the meantime, I realised that there was a little issue with my friends. It seems that assimilation back into my group of friends was going to be harder than I thought and why did I need to assimiliate? Of course because of the journey through IF - as my journey progressed, I withdrew further and further into myself - I found it very hard to be in any social situations. The upshot being that because I didn't go to many gatherings last year, I was left off the list of invitees. Very disappointing and certainly of my own making. I have spoken about this before that I thought that once I was pregnant, I would go back to being myself. This was not really the case. I continued to worry all through the pregnancy and I still found it hard to be in social groups, though I did catch up with quite a few friends one on one.

The fact that I was being left off the list of invitees to any social gathering made me throw a bit of a childish tantrum - "I'm not having a baby shower" - mainly because deep down I was afraid that noone would come. I also must mention here - I am not a giver of parties, I have never been, I really don't like them and I do find them stressful, I find I am good with people one on one but a group scares the hell out of me basically. Anyway, I got over that and then last week, I started to think about the guest list. I realised that if I invited children to the shower it would be 26 adults and 28 children coming. Now, call me a selfish, diva, princess but I did not want my baby shower to be a children's party. This guest list was gotten to by thinking - if I ask this person, then this one has to be invited and even though I am not close to this person, I will invite them so that I won't hurt this person - in itself, just getting the list together was an arduous task because I don't want to hurt or offend anyone.

My Aunt had told me that her best friend was coming (I have met this woman about twice) and my MIL is inviting her best friend and I knew my mum would want to invite a couple of her friends. My aunt had said that her best friend wanted to do the invitations for me and honestly, I am not an invitation person, I was just going to send around an email. It seemed to me that more and more, the shower was becoming less about me and more about everyone else.

I discussed my dilemma with my bestie last week end and after a couple of hours of tossing the situation around with all sorts of different options, we hit on a plan of having 2 events, one at my Aunt's place with only close family (including my two nieces and my 3 nephews if my sister wanted to bring the boys) and then go to a cafe with my girlfriends on another day. It wasn't a perfect solution but I felt bad about asking people not to bring their kids.

I then had lunch with my older sister during the week. She has 3 boys and I thought she would be able to give some good advice about how offended people would be if I asked them not to bring their kids. She was excellent and provided wonderful advice. She basically said that 'it's my party and I can ask who the hell I want to'. That made me feel better, better that is until last night.

I went to the footy with my Aunty as usual last night and I was telling her the whole story about how I didn't want it to become a kids party and she was agreeing and everything (I am sure a lot because she didn't really want her house over run with kids), she also seemed a bit put out when I told that there would be about 28 people coming, to which I said no worries because Mum had said that she would have it if there were any problems. Now that was all fine but then she told me she had invited her son's fiance and two granddaughters and honestly I was floored. Mainly because this would mean that I am telling all of my friends and some family not to bring kids but there will be kids there which I think is not fair to them. It also means that I am being unfair to my aunt on the other side of the family and now have to invite my cousin's wife so as not to hurt my aunt. Honestly, I could have screamed (and poor old JourneyMan got vented on a treat when I got home - he has been extremely supportive in this and has not tried to make me feel guilty about inviting or not inviting anyone on his side of the family - he just let me choose).

The fact of the matter is now the shower has the gloss taken off it. It just does not seem to be about me anymore and the intimate, fun shower that I had imagined now will be filled with people who I barely know and me worrying that people are resenting me for being inconsistent on my invitation policy. I don't necessarily think that everything should be about me but I thought that this was one thing that pretty much should be. Now I don't even know for what purpose I would even be having it. My original purpose was just to celebrate quietly becoming a mum but at last count there are more than 30 people coming so it is certainly not intimate anymore. I am tasked with getting all the snail mail addresses of people and honestly, I can't be bothered, I feel like I have enough on my plate at the moment. I never wanted it to be a big deal, just an afternoon tea chatting with my mates.

Now I wonder if I cancel the shower altogether, would I regret it? Or should I just deal with the situation, grit my teeth and endure what the shower has become? I seem to change my mind in every minute. I barely slept last night and I am absolutely exhausted today. I know that there are so many other hardships in the world, I know that many of you girls are going through horrors that I cannot even imagine and I realise that this is not a huge problem. It is just annoying and disappointing because my dream of what my shower was supposed to be is not to be. In a fit of venting last night I said to JourneyMan that I might take my bestie out to a cafe for lunch and call it the baby shower. Maybe that's what I will do.

Ceasarean Birth Class - Yikes!

So, JourneyMan and I went to the Ceasarean birth class yesterday and it really brought everything clearly into focus. I am not allowed to drive for 6 weeks. I can't lift anything over 4-5kg's for 12 weeks (yikes!). Recovery is going to take a while. They went through the whole day of surgery plus the next 48 hours and whilst is scared the hell out of me, it also allowed me to visualise how and when I will see JBB for the first time and what will happen from then on. JourneyMan takes it all his stride, nothing seems to phase him though I do note that he is not the one who will be having major abdominal surgery. I have had operations before but this will be the most major and with the longest recovery time but thankfully I will have little JBB to take care of and take the focus!!

I think I mainly felt scared because I am not prepared yet. The house has not been finished, the house hasn't been baby proofed, we haven't bought hardly anything and what we have been given, I am not sure of whether it complies with Australian standards. I sat down today and started making some lists, so now I feel a little better though there is a lot to do and only a little bit of time left, we are going to need to get our skates on!!

I heard JourneyMan talking on the phone to a prospective employer yesterday (before the class!) and he was talking about what time he would need to take off for the birth of the baby and said one day - holy moly, I said I would need him home for at least a week - I think that he realised that though after the class. Luckily, my mum only lives around the corner and my MIL is not too far away either and both of them have offered their help (which I am sure I will be availing myself of!). I had lunch with my older sister today (who has 3 boys) and she has advised me that if anyone asks if they can do anything to help, let them!! I think that is good advice but it will also take some practice I believe.

Every day I get more excited (and nervous) - time seems to have sped up like you wouldn't believe - so much to do, so little time!!

Cripes!

Over the past week I have realised that I don't have much longer of work left. This has left me excited, worried and a little non-plussed. How it came about was from the OB appointment last week. All was good and I asked when we would most likely be booking in for the ceasarean - which he responded would be the second or third week of August - and of course, being the counter that I am, I realised that is only 12-13 weeks away - holy moly!! I am hoping to have about a month off before the birth to relax and get ready which put me at 8-9 weeks of work left!! That threw me quite a bit. It also threw one of my bosses when I mentioned it today as I have a second tier project that he was saying he thought we should get done by end of July - I said to him that if he wanted me to manage it, it would need to be a go live date of mid-July because I was likely going to be finishing around then. He had a bit of a small heart attack then I think - though I did say it was negotiable. They have been really good about me working from home so much during the pregnancy and being very flexible that I may help them out with some work from home in the 4 weeks if they really need it. Plus if JourneyMan doesn't get a job soon, we will most likely need the money.

I haven't had the heart to tell my other manager as yet - the project I am working on for him will most likely happen whilst I am not available so he is going to be in a bit of trouble. I did show him a lot of the planning that I have been doing for him that will hopefully help him out enormously whilst I am away.

The hard thing is that I don't know if they are going to want me back and I don't know how long I want to take off or anything like that. I am going to have to think of a proposal for them to see if there are ways for me to help them out and in turn they can save some work for me for when I am ready to get back. I really like working for them all (I do work for 3 people and they are all fabulous to work for) and they are really flexible and in turn, I try to make their lives as easy as possible. Anyway, I am going to trust that it is all going to work out. JourneyMan has some prospects that I am hoping are pretty solid and if he can get in to a good role, we will be in a really good position.

JourneyBabyBoy update: Well, this little man is kicking like crazy lately and I am just loving it!! He is measuring well and his heartbeat was perfect last week - big yay!! The scan on Friday was lovely. My MIL came with me to the scan and we had breakfast together and a good chat, it was really lovely - she was very excited to see little JBB. She is very happy right now because she has her first two grandchildren on the way and she is offering all sorts of help and support - she is absolutely wonderful - I am very lucky to have such a wonderful MIL. The scan also went well with my cervix only reducing a small amount however, I asked the OB about it last week and also the ultrasonographer and they both said that it is well within normal limits - a huge relief!!

Belly update: The past couple of weeks has seen a huge amount of growth in the belly stakes. I am absolutely loving it and am checking myself out in the mirror lots. I have got a few pairs of good maternity pants (I prefer the over the belly style) and went and bought some large size long sleeve t-shirts that I wear with thick cardigans which is my main uniform. The weather has been cool but sunny this past week which I am still loving and an update on the central heating - it is divine!!

Symptoms update: I had a really busy day on Friday without my normal afternoon sleep and had a pretty late night so Saturday and Sunday the cramps came back with a vengeance - I have to remember not to push things too far. So, symptoms wise, I am still having the cramps and am really tired - that's about it so that's pretty good. Oh - I forgot, I have had a couple of dizzy spells as well - one on Friday and one at work today. Pretty good overall though.

Well that's about it from me - I have some serious catching up of reading to do - My reader runneth over. Have a great week everybody!!

Worried...

I am sure that you are all sick to death of the talk about the cramps but my goodness, they are pretty bad at the moment. I feel like I only really had a week or so of a reprieve when I started the progesterone and now they have come back with a vengeance, tonight is particularly bad. At last Friday's scan, my cervix had also shortened, not significantly (4mm - am hoping it is just the difference in the measuring by the sonographer) but enough to worry me. Cap that off with the fact that JourneyMan has finished his job and has not got a new one yet, I am in a bit of a hole of worry. I am hoping like hell that the cervix hangs in there because we need the money from my job right now - I am feeling quite alot of pressure. Don't get me wrong, JourneyMan is doing everything possible to get a job but I am feeling quite breathless with the crushing weight of responsibility right now.

My Dad also seems to be deteriorating quite rapidly. He had been in the hospital for 3 weeks but he got out just in time for him and Mum to go with some friends to Norfolk Island, I think it will be the last time he can go on holiday. The specialists have reiterated that there is nothing further that they can do about the hydrocephalus but they also said that he would deteriorate much quicker if he got any infections and he has had pneumonia which hasn't helped matters. It is such a tough situation because he cannot reason about the situation and is getting more agressive and paranoid as time goes on.

On the positive side of things, JBB has been moving around like crazy. JourneyMan has even felt it a couple of times and his face was fabulous when he felt him do a big kick.

I am trying to relax as much as possible but at the moment, I am finding it quite tough. I am hoping JBB is going well. I am hoping that the cervix is all good at this Friday's check. I am hoping JourneyMan gets a job really soon. I am hoping my Dad finds some peace within himself.

The basketballness of things.....

In the last couple of days, my stomach has really popped out. So much so that I feel that I finally really look pregnant. In a weird way, I think I guess I was denying that I really looked pregnant. Mainly because of the reason that I had a dent in the middle of my stomach so I didn't really have that round, basketball look - I felt that I looked more fat that pregnant.

Now, I really feel like I look pregnant and I tell you, I like it!! I am very basketball like and I feel really good about that - if I am brutally honest, I can't stop going and looking at myself in the mirror (narcissistic much!?!?). This is great news because I have always had a very fraught relationship with my shape. Funnily enough, I had finally accepted my pear shaped body - loving my flat stomach, small waist and top and accepting of my larger thighs and bum, no longer trying to exercise them away, just accepting that this is the shape I was born with. Then I got pregnant and I have to admit, I kind of freaked because my waist disappeared straight away and I was bloated right from the beginning so my flat stomach was also gone.

For a long time I felt that people were looking at me and thinking 'here we go again' because I thought they would think I was putting on weight again (being the yo-yo from way back) and not that I was pregnant - I mean, honestly, as if people don't have enough to do with their time!! I did go through a time where I felt like I needed Tim Gunn or Trinny and Susannah to tell me what to wear since I had no idea to dress for my new shape. Now I have decided on an 'emphasise the bump' strategy - it is very freeing.

It is nice to like my body after many years of (quite frankly) blatant hatred of it. After feeling for many years that my body had betrayed me because of the issues that I have, I really feel that I have started to embrace my body. It is nice to feel appreciate of my body and the fact that I have finally been able to experience pregnancy. I feel very womanly and probably for the first time, satisfied with my body. I am sure that I will continue to struggle with my body issues into the future but I feel that I have really made huge leaps.

JourneyBabyBoy behaves!!

My weekly scan this week showed JBB's gorgeously perfect heart (that he kept very hidden last week) and he also let us get a lovely view of his beautiful little face - it was wonderful. All good in the scan and my cervix is behaving nicely too. The progesterone must also be doing it's thing because even though I have had cramps, they have been pretty mild and easily bearable - yay!!

On the belly front, things seem to have gone into overdrive as I am popping out all over the place - I am absolutely loving it!! I am busting out of many of my clothes now - I am well and truly into the maternity wear now. I had to go and get some new pj's though - all of the ones that I had were not comfortable enough. I found the most comfortable Pooh and Tigger one's - JourneyMan laughed at me when he saw me in them, I gave him a bit of a JBB dance.

I have been getting the dizzy spells again so I have to be really careful. We are going through a spell of unseasonable hot weather so I think that this might have something to do with it. I had to leave work today I was so dizzy. The exhaustion is still hanging around so the rest today has done me the world of good.

Apart from the dizziness, I have been feeling pretty good both physically and emotionally. I am SOOO excited about meeting our little baby boy (though of course I don't want to meet him just yet) - I am really, really looking forward to holding him in my arms. He has been kicking up a storm this week as well, I keep thinking that I can feel it on the outside but everytime JourneyMan tries, he can't feel it - oh well, it's my own little joy for a bit longer.

Want to clear up some things from last week's scan. JBB's feet were moving so much that they had trouble visualising all of his toes - JourneyMan was out of order saying that I had a big breakky - he was the one who had eggs, bacon, mushrooms (I nearly vomited from the smell), tomatoes, toast and a sausage and all I had was fruit toast and orange juice. Chelle & TIO - yes, I think it is an indication of his personality - very much like his father - laid back in many aspects and not easily poked and prodded into things but stubborn like a mule (gosh help me)!!

Hide & Seek - Journey Baby Style

Well, we are half way through the pregnancy - wow!! After time almost standing still there for awhile, it seems to be screaming by now, which I am thankful for on one hand but a little worried (in terms of JourneyMan getting a job and us getting our renovations done it time).

We had the 20 week scan on Friday and it was a bit of a trial. JBB seems to be very comfortable in the one place (he has been there for the last 4 weeks) and they couldn't do all of the visualisation on his face and heart. They are going to try again this week. This was after 90 mins of them poking and prodding, me having to go to the loo and jump up and down for a bit (what the!?!) and then JourneyMan and I had to take ourselves out for a walk around the block. Thankfully it was a gorgeous, Melbourne Autumn morning and it was pleasant to go for a walk. Though when we got back, they still couldn't see all that they needed to. They called the doctor in and even he couldn't get proper visuals. The doctor very nicely stressed that they are not worried at all, they just need to do the complete exam.

Thankfully, my cervix is behaving very well which is a relief! I am back to being so exhausted again now though. Last week, I worked 4 days and I didn't get an afternoon sleep on any day, couple that with a busy weekend and the fact that I am fighting off a cold, make for a serious need for sleep.

The weekend was busy but fun. I had the market on Saturday morning as usual, then the football on Saturday night. Sunday I had brunch around at my sister's for my nephew's birthday and then a coffee with my sister in law for her birthday. This weekend, I am heading up to the country to go to my other sister in law's baby shower, thankfully my bestie has agreed to come with me for the drive as she has friends up in the town so I won't be alone on the drive - plus it will give us a chance to have a good natter - yay!

A quick shout out to a good friend who is going through a donor cycle at the moment - my thoughts are with you, my friend - I am praying for excellent fertilisation rates!!