Life in the petri dish....

Seriously, I thought that I might also call this post 'the high cost of child care' but realised that no-one would read it since it could be another rant of my against our government!!

Anyhoo - you know that JBB has been in childcare one day a week while I am off to work. Well, we experienced the day-care germs this week. Poor little JBB got a gastro bug at child care and then brought it home for us to enjoy.

He started to get sick on Wednesday when I was home from work (thank goodness I was able to take care of him myself). He was off his food quite a bit but diarrhea struck him bad - my main thought was that it was his teeth because we think he is pretty close to one breaking through. I made sure that he didn't look like he was getting dehydrated (thankfully he wasn't) and soothed him as much as I could. As it happens, my brother an his wife dropped by because we had their trailor and they wanted to pick up a desk for their daughter so I invited them in for a coffee. They couldn't stay long and were off soon after.

Then, later on, my Aunt dropped by as we needed to talk tactics for going to the footy on the weekend and it was great to catch up and she had a lovely time with JBB. She stayed for a couple of hours and then JBB had a nice sleep and then JourneyMan came home and we went through the normal bedtime routine.

Well, the next day when I was back at work, I started to feel pretty rank around lunch time. I didn't really feel like eating anything but soup for lunch (even though we visited one of the best chocolate shops in Melbourne, I couldn't even face getting any - miracle!), so I hunted down so minestrone. Soon after lunch though I started with the diarrhea myself and was really starting to feel awful. I battled through the rest of the day with many trips to the ladies. I knew then that JBB must have had a bug and I had caught it.

Let me interrupt this gross story by telling you that I seriously have iron guts. I have been to Bali at least 6 times, I have been to Thailand 3 times, I have been to Cambodia and Mexico and I have never gotten a bad belly despite the fact that I always love eating the local food.

Now, back to the (hopefully 'not to boring' story). The drive home was a nightmare. Traffic was horrendous and what was normally a 40 minute trip took 70mins - I was howling with rage at anyone who got in my way and unfortunately, the vomiting started on the way home. I was on the freeway at the time and the only thing that I had to contain the horror was a hat that JourneyMan had left in the car (it was unfortunately one that his brother had brought him back from Hawaii - ooops). When I got home, I could barely give JBB and JourneyMan a kiss before staggering off to the toiliet, then to bed, then to the toilet, then to bed, then to the toilet - well you get the ugly picture.

Finally, by about mid-night it had tapered off and I was able to get to sleep. Unfortunately, I was awakened about half an hour later by JourneyMan vomiting in the toilet. So loud was JourneyMan's vomiting that he woke JBB, who I then tried to comfort back to sleep, this took about 2 hours. It was the house of pain for the next 12 hours. There was not much sleep in the house that night and Friday we were all pretty fractious.

I got a call from my Auntie on Friday and she had it too and then I found out that my brother and his wife were both struck down as well. My mum, who baby sat JBB on Tuesday and Thursday was spared (thank goodness!!) but the rest of us were struck down hard!

Honestly, I know that this sounds dramatic but I thought I was dying, I didn't think that so much could come out of one person and still live! Anyway, we have all recovered now and I have spent the day today exchanging war stories with all of my fellow bug eaters.

I have great admiration for little JBB - despite the fact that he was struck down with this crazy bug and that he was also teething, he was amazingly good spirited - I kept on asking him 'how are you still so happy, little man?' - as always, he just gave me a cheeky grin and snuggled in for a kiss. He is one tough little cookie, bless his cotton socks!

I am also thankful for JourneyMan cos after my 'no-sleep' the night before, he let me sleep in this morning and after a good 8 hour sleep, I felt brand spanking new!! I cannot tell you how much I admire single parents, they have one tough, tough job.

I know that it sounds strange and I feel a little strange in writing it, but I feel a bit like I earned my 'mummy' stripes over the past few days. The good days are wonderful and making JBB laugh and smile is certainly one of my daily goals but being able to comfort him when he is hurting or not feeling well, that feels absolutely great. I never, every want him to be hurt or not feel well but I do feel good that I can hopefully provide the comfort he needs when these things happen.

It's official, I am not superwoman!

But first - let me just say that the GP was very positive (in a good way) about the lump. I have to have a mammogram but she is pretty sure that it was nothing to be worried about so I am not worrying (trying not to!). Thank you to you all for you lovely wishes!

Okay, now to my lack of being superwoman. I started work at my new job last week and I spent Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday there - normally I will be working Monday, Tuesday and Thursday but we had a public holiday last week. My mum had JBB on Tuesday and Thursday and he went to daycare on Wednesday. It was a total wrench to be away from him all of that time, I absolutely hate it but unfortunately it has to be done.

It has been tough. JBB is starting to get teeth so our previous sleeping through the night angel is now the waking up in pain, little Boo. I feel so sorry for him but I was so tired this morning I could have cried when he woke me up at 4am. This is very rough - just the amount of packing that I need to do every night. The sheer effort that it is taking to ensure that he is eating healthily and so am JourneyMan and I. The lack of sleep, the learning a new job and the separation from my little darling - it is bloody tough - I don't think that I am one of those women who can do it all and nor do I want to - I want to be spending my days with my gorgeous little one but unfortunately our finances dictate that I can't do this. It is very upsetting.

I am very whingy - I am sorry for it but I am in Struggletown right now. Must. Go. To. Bed.

A lump

I'm worried and I don't want to freak anyone out but I have found a lump in my breast. In fact, it's been there for awhile and I haven't had it checked out because I thought it was a blocked milk duct from the breast feeding. It hasn't gone away though and now I am getting worried. I have booked in to see my GP on Friday which is the soonest that I could go. I am trying not to think about it but I can't seem to forget about it.

On one hand I think 'how could this happen, I have finally found absolute happiness in my life' - I have a lovely, supportive husband who I love, I have the cutest, most special miracle child in the world and a gorgeous fluffy and woolly dog. On the other hand I think 'I have been smacked down hard by life before, what could be different now?'

To be brutally honest with you, there have been times in my past where I thought that I wouldn't be missed if I died. This was when I was drinking and completely ashamed of myself for the horrorible person I was, lying to everyone - trying to stop and not being able to. I hated myself so much that I really didn't think that I had anything to offer anyone. I don't think that anymore. I feel like I have clawed my way back and I know that there are plenty of people who would miss me. I love my life and I desperately want to see my little JBB grow up and into a man and have a family of his own.

I am sorry for being morbid but I need to get these thoughts out of me so that they are not festering around inside. I unfortunately consulted Dr Google about this and unfortunately that scared me more than alleviating any fears.

5 failed IVF cycles rest in peace....

We had a hard road to our son. I thought (as I am sure everyone does) that our first IVF cycle would be a walk in the park and that I would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant straight away, after all - there was nothing wrong with me, or so we thought. I have documented previously what followed and there is a summary on top of this blog but basically what happened was that the first cycle was cancelled and I was absolutely shocked when this happen, it had not even entered my thoughts. The second cycle I had no eggs at pick up. The third cycle I got one egg that fertilised but did not implant. I had a laparoscopy and found that I have one kidney and two uteruses and mega amounts of endo (they can't get all of it as it is right on my bowell). We took a break and I took DHEA (without consulting my fertility specialist) and I got 6 eggs at pick up, 2 of which fertilised but no implantation. The DHEA caused the endo to run rampant so I had to have another laparoscopy and I also had a lap band put in to lose weight. I lost 45kg's before our 5th cycle in a last ditch attempt to create some good eggs. Alas this was not to be, this cycle was also cancelled.

So, why am I reliving these horrible times? Well because I was chatting to JBB this week and I realised that I am glad that these cycles didn't work. Don't get me wrong, I still wish that JourneyMan and I could have sex at the right time of the month and boom, 9 months later we would have another baby but what I realised that I am grateful down to my bones is that we weren't successful with my eggs because if we were, JBB wouldn't exist. He is a special guy. His laughter can clear away all bad thoughts in my head. His cries of pain (he is teething at the moment) elicit an overflowing of maternal comfort. He is beautiful, he is clever, he is precious.

It feels good for those cycles to not have power over me anymore. There was a lot of grief there. They changed me irrevocably but at the end of the day, their failure brought me the greatest happiness of my life. I don't want to go all kumbaya on your arses but finally I have realised that these cycles that I thought bought me the most sadness in my life, actually opened the door to the greatest happiness.

A boy and his dog

I have been meaning to write about the burgeoning relationship between JBB and JourneyDog for a long time but today there was a cute incident that meant I just had to post about it. Of course in the beginning we did all of the things that you are meant to do when you have a dog and bring home a baby. We played crying babies on utube for JourneyDog to get used to the noise, we put the gate up to JBB's room months earlier so that JourneyDog would be used to not going in there and JourneyMan brought home a blanket from the hospital so that JourneyDog would become familiar with JBB's smell. When I came home with JBB, JourneyDog didn't know quite what to make of this little noisy bundle.

When I would get up for feeds in the middle of the night, JourneyDog would come and sit on my lap, the feeding pillow would go over the top and JBB would go on the pillow - this would happen during the day as well so I think that JourneyDog felt comfortable in the fact that he is still a loved member of the family. He still sleeps in our room and he is always with JBB and I throughout the day. There has not been that much change to his life (though now he knows when JBB is getting fed and sits under the chair waiting for any food to drop - this can be problematic cos getting pumpkin or carrots out of a white woolly coat is a real bitch) and he seems as happy as ever, which makes me very happy because so many people told me that as soon as a baby came along, JourneyDog would be banished to the backyard. I was determined for this not to happen, he was my baby when I wasn't able to have a baby, he comforted me when I was upset, he was there for me to shower love on - how could this love change? It most definitely hasn't - I love him just the same now that I have my beloved JBB.

When JourneyMan and I found out that we were having a boy, we hoped that JBB and JourneyDog would grow to be best mates. We talked about finding JourneyDog snuggled at the bottom of JBB's bed when he was older, we imagined a beautiful friendship between them. It has been touching over these past months to see a relationship developing between these two. One day, I saw a lovely moment when JBB was in his playgym on his tummy and JourneyDog came by. They looked at each other for a moment and JourneyDog started wagging his tail - it made me smile. When JBB goes in his Jolly Jumper, I throw JourneyDog's soft toys for him to run and bring back which makes JBB laugh. When JBB cries, JourneyDog looks at JourneyMan or I in askance as if to say 'the baby is upset, please help him!'. If JourneyDog is sitting on my lap while JBB is asleep and he starts to cry, JourneyDog will get off my lap straight away because he knows that I am going to get him.

Today, JBB was not too happy. He'd had his 6 month immunisations and was a bit out of sorts. He was on the floor playing when he started to cry. I went to go to him but JourneyDog got there first. He gave him a little lick on the cheek to see if it cheered him up and when that didn't work, he went and got his soft toy to play with in front of him, which I can only think was to cheer him up. Sure enough, JBB started to laugh at JourneyDog's antics. It brought tears to my eyes, what a beauty of a dog he is. I hugged them both for a long time (and of course JourneyDog got a little liver treat).

It makes me so happy that both of my little boys are getting along!!

So much going on!!

Okay, so I am very behind on my posting but I have a good excuse. Firstly, I have a new job - yay me!! This was quite a whirlwind because I was negotiating going back to my old job when this new one came on the line. The good news is that it is good money, I am working 3 days a week and they encourage people to work from home, yay again!! It looks like I will start next Tuesday so that will be good, we need some money so that we can get Thailand 2 underway!!

So, what else is going on? Well, I have been training very well and getting very fit with my bootcamp like sessions though I found out today that I have strained a stomach muscle - ouch!! In addition, I also have shingles - ouch again, I am not having too much fun right now. Our house is pretty sad at present because JBB had his 6 month injections today and he has also had diarrhea today and seems like we might be seeing some teeth make an appearance soon. JBB was up at 4am this morning and there was no getting him back into bed, I was up to my elbows in vomit and poo but, well that's motherhood - the poor little mite, he has been out of sorts as well.

I am nervous about going back to work. I am going to miss JBB sooooo much each day that I am away from him but unfortunately it is a necessity - we need the money. I am lucky that I have been able to spend so much time with him already and also the fact that I only have to work 3 days a week but it really feels too soon to hand him over to other people for a full day at a time. We are very lucky because he will be going to my Mum's for one day, JourneyMan's mum for another day and then daycare on another day. I haven't chosen the day care place yet, I am going to have a look at one tomorrow that I hope will be good.

Okay, I have to go now, I am honestly feel like total crappola.

The best of times, the worst of times....

On the good side of things, JBB is now 6 months old. Those 6 months have been the best and most cherished of my life. Every day he does something new. He is smiling and laughing more, he is starting to push up onto his knees, he is absolutely loving his swimming time each week. He is as cute as a button and every day, I love him more than the day before. Today, he was sitting with me and he spent minutes mesmerised by the faces that I was making at him and then when he was in the jolly jumper and JourneyDog was running around him, he was laughing hysterically - these are the precious moments that I love.

On the bad, my dad has been in hospital again and the situation is getting harder and harder for both my mum and dad. My brother's best mate from childhood died from cancer this week - he was only diagnosed 3 months ago and leaves behind his wife and 3 boys. He was a wonderful bloke from a beautiful family - sometimes life just does not seem fair.

On the positive side of things, my brother was a part of the eulogy. This is my brother who was deathly scared of public speaking who in the past 18 months has gotten sober and gone through rehab, got a hugely responsible job and is a runaway success at it - I couldn't be more proud of him. My brother was so close to death himself, he was dying in front of our eyes and to see how he has turned his life around makes my heart swell with love and pride.

On the bad side of things our neighbours in New Zealand have suffered a disastrous earthquake. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the friends and families of the dead, injured and missing - it is a heartbreaking event for all New Zealanders.

It is times like these that make me realise how I really must treasure every moment of our lives. I hope that you all had a wonderful weekend.

Overtired baby

We had a very big weekend. JBB and I went swimming again on Friday and then we had lunch and went to see my Dad who had just gotten out of the hospital. On Saturday we all trekked to the country for our brother in law's birthday party - the drive was a killer, roadwork everywhere, so it took way longer than it normally does!! We got home after 9pm (I know, not hugely late but we had been out all day). On Sunday, we went around to my Mum and Dad's place for a birthday party for our niece's 11th birthday. On Sunday night, JourneyMan went to the movies with his best mate for his birthday.

In short, people, we had a very busy weekend and what we ended up with was one overtired little baby. He normally doesn't cry too much but Sunday and Monday were full of mega screams. He was so tired that he wouldn't sleep for more than 10mins without waking up and screaming. I ended up holding him for both of his morning sleeps (generally he has a short sleep at around 8:30am and then a longer one at around 11:30) but by the afternoon, he had a lovely, long afternoon nap and was back to his chipper, smiley self.

It was a good lesson. There wasn't that much we could do about the fact that we had two birthday's on the weekends but I learned that I must put JBB's schedule front and centre. I also learned that if we do have a busy time that we need to make sure that there is a down day right after so that he can catch up on his sleep. That being said, he is a very social baby so I definitely need not deprive him of outings, he loves the stimulation. He is having a nice long morning nap right now and then we are going to go for a walk up to the shops.

Here are some cutie pie pics that my auntie took when we were out to lunch a couple of weeks ago!!

Realisations

Well people, I had a fabulous day with my little JBB yesterday. Apparently he was an angel at the creche - though he did not like being by himself in the play pen - he likes watching the kids run around does this little man, I think he is a little social butterfly. After a good hard workout, I picked him up (and was hugely rewarded by one of his million dollar smiles) and we went for a swim. It was the first time that I had taken him to the pool by myself and this is a great one as it is heated up for good temperatures for the babies and toddlers.

It was an extremely interesting experience. There is something that I had not admitted to myself and honestly, when I tell you what the realisation that I had was, you are going to think that I have some sort of brain disorder. Okay, after I had changed JBB into his cute bathers and wrestled all of our stuff down to poolside, we eased our way in. I finally looked around a bit and seriously, it was mother and baby central. There were so many mums and kids around that it was ridiculous and that was when I had the realisation - I'm one of them, I'm a mother!! This really floored me and of course I had to laugh at how long it has taken for me to realise this very important fact.

I have been going to this gym for years, the mothers and babies have always been there and of course at first I looked at them and thought 'soon I will be one of you' but after awhile I learnt to avert my eyes - I was worried that I would never be one of them. Now I am one of them. It was a strange feeling, I thought that it would have meant more to me than it actually did. What meant the most to me was that JBB had an absolute ball in the pool, we had the most beautiful, fun time together. I am a confident swimmer, I love the water, it is extremely soothing to me, I am calm and confident around the water (but extremely vigilant!!) - I hope that this love of the water is something that I can pass on to him.

When battling IF, I thought that the word 'mother' would be the be all and end all to me and certainly it is in some ways but I think about how I viewed it then and it was really all about me, what I could give to a baby if I had one, how it would effect me, what I could do to nurture this human being. Now I realised that being a mother is not about me at all, it is about the child. It is not just what I want anymore, though of course I still like to have time for myself so that I can be sustained as a person. It is not about what I think is nurturing because each child is different and likes to be nurtured in different ways. I think that if we can allow it, the mother is created from the child and not the other way around. I don't know if I am making sense but it has been a profound realisation to me - it has reached right into the heart of who I am and who I hope to be.

Another realisation that I had was that in some small, strange way, I didn't really want people looking at me with JBB lest I be seen as being show-offery. I've never really like the attention on me, the only thing that I was nervous about on our wedding day was that everyone would be looking at me. What a strange feeling to have, I was quite surprised by it because I am absolutely proud of JBB, I love people looking at him - it would hurt my heart though if I was someone that a person struggling with IF looked at me with JBB and they were hurt by our carefree fun. I still stand next to my IF sisters and I do not want to ever hurt anyone though I realise that unless I have a little bio of my experiences pinned to my shirt, people will make just assume that we didn't have a struggle to get this little fellow.

I also realise that I look at my own mother differently now. I knew that she had done a great job in raising the four of us kids - though we have all had our issues, we have been strong and fought through them. I look at her now and realise the time she spent allowing me to become the person that I am today. At one point in my life, I wondered why she didn't push me to become a more competitive swimmer, I was pretty talented apparently and I had thoughts that I might have gotten somewhere if she had of given me some nudges. When I asked her a couple of years ago about why she didn't push me, she said that if I really wanted to be a competitive swimmer, I would have made it happen myself, I wouldn't have let anything stop me from becoming it. I used to be dissatisfied by this answer because I thought that she had somehow taken away some success from me because she didn't want to push me. Now I think that she was right, she knows me very well - when pushed, I generally rebel and end up hating whatever it was that I was doing - everything has to be my choice. In the end, she gave me a wonderful gift. I still love to swim, I still love the water, I still find peace there - if she pushed me, that would have most likely not been the case.

I also remember walking with my mum after a failed cycle. I couldn't stop crying and she grabbed me and hugged me in the middle of the walking track, with tears streaming down her own cheeks. I remember her saying, please let me do something to help, please just tell me what I can do. I have tears streaming down my face now remembering that day, I was so caught up in my own pain, I didn't realise her feeling of helplessness at not being able to do something to ease the pain in me. I am not saying that it took me to be a mother to realise this but I just think that I am finally starting to heal from all of those failed cycles because I didn't have the time before, I was still mired in the struggle and using all of my energy just to survive.

My mum said something lovely to me today. She said that she was so proud of how I am doing with JBB. She said that she loves it how calm and confident that I am around him and how great and at ease he is with other people because I have not been shy about letting others interact with him. I can't tell you what this means to me.

I am one very, very lucky woman!!

Bad habit intervention (confession post)

This is a hard post for me to write because I would like it if I wasn't like this - I would like it if I didn't have to write about this. It plays against my perfectionism - I hate to give a bad impression of myself but what the hey - I am going to have to come clean, I aint perfect sisters and it is about time I realised that I will never be!!

So, JourneyMan and I had a talk tonight and I have realised that we need to have an intervention on ourselves. We have gotten into a bit of a rut of not doing stuff. We have become the 'not doing stuff' family, the 'looking at the four walls' family, the 'watching crap pay TV family', basically, 'the lazy family (foof, that one hurt).

It has been a combination of things that have caused this. For me, the pregnancy was tough (I realise that anyone who is struggling with infertility is probably yelling at the screen right now 'cry me a river - woman who has gotten everything she wants in life'). It was tough though in ways that I didn't expect it to be. I lost all of my fitness. I put on mega amounts of weight when I swore that I wouldn't. I was uncomfortable. These are not big deals and seriously, I am not saying that they are but I am trying to explain how I got to be in such a rut. After the battles of infertility and withdrawing from my friends and family, I got used to it. This was compounded in the last part of the pregnancy because I was pretty uncomfortable and without energy so I spent alot of time on the couch. I was very close to being a shut in and I really had a hard time moving myself out of that space - I am still working on it but I still have quite a long way to go.

Enter JBB and I struggled at the start. The sleep deprivation was to be believed and I was not handling the questions of JBB's 'exotic looks' very well, in fact it was a major stressor. Then JourneyMan lost his job and we didn't have any money to spare so we spent most of our time around the house. The crazy Melbourne weather didn't help matters - one day it was humid like Bangkok, the next day was a deluge of rains, then the day after that it was 40 degrees celcius (I believe that it is 104F). In fact, we have had an amazingly wet spring (and into summer) so I really didn't get myself together walking and getting outside - there always seemed to be an excuse. Yes, I do realise that all of these things are just excuses and seriously bad ones at that.

Lastly and not least (and seems to be the root of the problem). I seem to have developed a fear of taking JBB places. I noticed it pretty early on and I have tried to break myself of it by going out on my own with him but I haven't done it often enough to break the fear. I have told myself that it was for his own good so that I could get him into good sleeping routines etc but honestly, at the end of the day, it is all about fear. I am not exactly sure of what I am afraid of - the effort that it takes to go out. Not really, I have his bag permanently packed so that I just have to add a few things and I am out the door. It has just occurred to me that this may also be a form of my perfectionism - that I don't want to do something 'wrong' in public, that JBB might cry and I will see looks of judgement. Holy cow - I know how this sounds and I am thinking 'nutter' in my mind very clearly. The realisation came to me today. JBB was pretty grumpy yesterday and I was completely convinced that he was teething (and he may be) but I was out pretty much all day today and he was happy all day. I had to face facts today, people - he loves going out and I, as his mother, have to get of my arse and entertain this child!!

Okay, so I have gotten those confessions off my chest and I hope that you haven't walked off in disgust at my whinging about all the good in my life and seriously the sensory deprivation of this child. JourneyMan is also in the poo because as a family have not done a great deal of things together either, which is really sad - we are both going a long way to a smacked bottom! A couple of weeks ago, we went over to my brother's place whilst they were away for the weekend to loll about in their pool (my bestie came along for good measure) on a super hot day. We had an absolutely wonderful day and again, JBB absolutely loved it. For the most part, though, we have been 'the lazy family'.

This stops here, people!! There are some changes afoot in the Journey household. I signed up JBB for the creche at the gym today so he is going to creche for an hour and a half whilst I work out, then I am going to take my beautiful little man for a swim. When JourneyMan gets home, we are going to take JBB for a walk around the neighbourhood. This will give him some much needed fresh air and JourneyMan and I some time to talk about our days. We are headed to the country on the weekend for the day for a Hawaiian themed birthday party for JourneyMan's sister's husband's birthday (JBB has the cutest Hawaiian shirt and short set that his uncle got him on a trip to Hawaii - cuterson!!) which will be a fun day and then on Sunday, we are going to find a park and have a play.

I don't like fear and my way of dealing with it is to face up to the situations but I also don't want to go too far the other way. I am still going to be conscious of JBB's schedules and keep his life fairly settled but I am also going to take him out into the world more. The funny thing is that I was always the travelling girl - I have seen heaps of the world, I have done so much in my life and tried so many things. I have been brave and adventurous - I would really hate for JBB to grow up only knowing a cautious, shut in of a mum. I want him to see that his mum is fun, adventurous, willing to try new things, happy to get out in the world and smiles and laughs often.

Do the scars of infertility ever heal? I hope so, I really do - I want JBB to know the person his mum was before the disappointments changed who I am. I am determined. That is one thing I can say for sure, I am like a dog with a bone - I will heal, I will get out of this rut, I will bring the fun again!!

Nature Vs Nurture

This has been on my mind alot lately. Not in any huge way (donor genetics vs my nurturing) but in a thankful, wondering type way.

So what do I mean? Firstly, let me touch wood because I am superstitious and I don't want anything good changing. Okay, wood has been touched. JBB is super dooper easy going. When it is his time to go to bed (he shows me by yawning, and his eyes glazing over), I wrap him up, he sucks on his dummy for about a minute and then he is in snoozeland. When he wakes up in the middle of the night (very rarely - usually only if he is cold), he doesn't bellow at the top of his lungs, he just starts chatting.

If he does cry - he definitely is telling me something, he is hungry, he is hurt, his nappy needs to be changed or he is tired but really, he doesn't cry a great deal. He is generally a pretty serious fellow though and you really have to be entertaining for him to crack a smile or give a giggle. He is completely curious about everything that goes on around him and especially if we go out, he does not like to nap cos he doesn't like to miss anything.

So, I guess I have been wondering - was he just born a cruisey type of little dot or have I done something to help him along that way? The main things that I feel that I bring to the table are:

1. Attentiveness - I am always looking out for what makes him happy, what he likes, what he doesn't like, play with him when he wants to and give him time on his own when he needs it. I give him plenty of hugs, I talk and sing to him as much as possible and I (for the most part) let him dictate how the day will go.

2. Routine - certainly our night routine is down pat, he has a bath with me, his dad dries him off and reads his bedtime stories and then I wrap and settle him for bed. Our days are a little more changeable but he is falling in to a pretty consistent routine.

3. Love & gratitude - there are not enough words to describe how much I love this little mite - every day since he has been in my life has been my best day. My Auntie was holding JBB on Friday and she said that she looked at him and her heart turned over - I know exactly what she meant, I have been brought to tears on many, many occasions since he came into our lives. Some days, JourneyMan and I look at each other wonderingly and talk about how lucky we are.

This is all just conjecture though - in my heart of hearts, I pretty much know that JBB was born a beautifully natured child and all I can hope is that I can nurture his innate gifts into fruition.

He is the gift of my heart.