Secret Keeper

That is what I feel like - a keeper of secret moments between JBB and I. JourneyMan is visiting with his nephew tonight (I saw his cutieness yesterday) and I have just come back from JBB's room realising just how lucky I am. I mean, it's not as if I didn't know, I surely did but tonight it has gone deeper within me, I have felt more grateful than I have ever felt before. So what happened to cause this revelation? Nothing much. I have been working on my Christmas list with JBB in bed when he woke up and started squeaking (not really crying, just complaining a little), I let him got for a little to see if he settled himself but he didn't so I went in and picked him up and sang his sleepy song (you've got a friend). As I was singing to him, he gave me some gorgeous smiles as he usually does. He settled pretty much straight away and I put him back in to the cot.

How lucky am I that I was able to comfort this little miracle? The privilege of this takes my breath away. These are the secret moments of a mother - knowing how to comfort JBB, being able to distinguish the difference between the cry of hunger from the cry to be comforted. Learning what makes him smile and laugh (the first time that he laughed was when I made an ooooooooh sound with a funny face - he is easily pleased), choosing to entertain and play with him rather than empty the dishwasher. Knowing what songs that he likes to hear (most of them made up by me - one day I sang nearly every word to him all day). Seeing his face light up in the morning when I sing his good morning song.

This motherhood caper is such a learning experience, every day I learn something new about this little boy - how to entertain him, how to comfort him, how to make him smile, how to make him laugh - it the best thing ever!!

I am dreading going back to work - I want to be the one that still holds these secrets but unfortunately I am going to miss some of the firsts of the things that he does. I don't know how I am going to deal with that but I am not going to worry about that now, for the moment I am the keeper of secret moments.

The Donor Egg Mother (Part 2)

This is the belated second part of the post that I did a couple of weeks ago - it still has been bubbling around within me. As usual, I would like to put in the disclaimer that there is nothing that I am more grateful in my life than JBB, every day, I am shocked with how much I love him more and more. This is not about being grateful, this is about something underneath, something that I don't think that I have quite dealt with yet.

JourneyMan and I went to the final session of our council run 'Baby Makes 3' course on Thursday night. Both of us have found this course quite wonderful, it has given us plenty to talk about and work out as well as some great ideas to help us as a family going forwards. As part of the final wrap up, the facilitators handed out the number of a counsellor that we could go and see individually or as a couple if we so chose to. After the course, I went to ask the facilitator privately if I could discuss my situation regarding JBB being a donor egg baby with the cousellor. She, of course, said that it was fine but what shocked me was that I started crying. Poor old JourneyMan didn't know what the hell was up because I was fine the previous minute before. I rushed him off to the car and started sobbing. The crazy thing is, I don't really know myself though I am starting to have an inkling.

I guess it started when JourneyMan's Aunt asked me at lunch 'Oh, JBB's skin is so beautiful and dark, where did he get that from?'. I wasn't prepared for a question framed in that way and when I said that JBB is a donor egg baby, she seemed a little embarrassed and quickly changed the subject. Then last week I was over at a girlfriend's for lunch and there were a few gals there who were all commenting on how much on each others' new babies were starting to look like them - you know, things like 'oh, so and so is really starting to look like you around the eyes now'. Strangely enough and as a bit of a side point, I have never been able to see that a baby looks like a parent or not. Anyway, this has happened a few times and each time the same thoughts run through my head. Firstly, I hear - 'that will never happen to me', which is quickly followed by 'who cares?', which then leads on to 'is there some part of me that cares - why would I bring this up to myself?' and then I start to feel guilty and beat myself up a bit. This goes round and round for a while.

I talked to JourneyMan about this the other night and he was wonderful - he is completely heartfelt in his knowledge that he understands that I am not saying that there is anything wrong with my bond with JBB or that I am anything less that esctatic about having JBB in our family - he knows that I am just trying to express myself so that I can find out what the feeling is underneath the tears.

I am now wondering about whether I have not completely grieved being able to have my own biological child or whether it is simply that I have not prepared myself for the situations that I have been placed in or could it even just be hormones. In some respects I do feel very alone because there are very few people that understand my situation. I am definitely a person that likes to be prepared for situations and how I would like to handle them. In some ways I am disappointed with myself that I didn't think to prepare myself for these earlier but I can't beat myself up too much, I have been very busy chasing after that little wigglemunch, JBB!!

Okay - so I kind of feel better about this going forward. I am going to try this as a plan:

1. If people ask where JBB got his beautiful skin (surprisingly this is asked fairly often cos honestly, he has the most divine skin you have ever seen - thankfully not my freckled version and JourneyMan, well, he has skin of the very pale variety!!), I am going to openly say that he is a donor egg baby who is our beloved miracle. I will be open to questions and will happily answer them but if the person seems to be embarrassed, I will be happy to answer anything that anyone has to ask.

2. When people are talking about their own children, and how they look like them, I am going to remember our beautiful holiday to Thailand that we had to have our darling boy. I am going to look closely at my gorgeous son, I am going to search his features and see if there is anything I would change about him because I know with absolute 100% certainty, there is nothing I would change - he is one of the reasons that I rejoice every day. I am going to hold that precious gift of his presence in my heart and smile knowingly to myself that when my friends, family or anyone else are looking at their children and seeing themselves - I will look at my JBB and see a beautiful miracle that I am priveleged to behold.

I am sure that I am going to trip over these situations more in the future but I am not afraid of looking at them now.

It has been a tough week for my darling JourneyMan. His Nanna died on Tuesday morning. She was a wonderfully warm and beautiful woman. We were lucky enough to see her last Saturday when they called all of the family in. JourneyMan was able to sit with her and spend some time showing off JBB to her - it was very special. My heart has hurt for him as he loved his Nanna dearly.

News (and another cute pic!!)

Well, we are trying for some semblance of a routine at the moment and (cross your fingers) it seems to be going pretty well. We are only talking at night - his days are still pretty much up in the air but nights are pretty good. He starts winding down at 7pm with a bath (with Mum), a massage (from Dad), a story, a feed and then to sleep - generally between 7:30-8pm. I then wake him up gently for a top up feed at 11pm (read about doing this in a book and it seems to work) and then he sleeps through to between 5:30-6:30pm. It's nice to have a small bit of a routine after the chaos (blissfully wonderful chaos!!) of the past month.

That brings me on to an issue that I have been feeling. JourneyMan, JBB and I are currently attending a local council run course called 'Baby Makes 3' for new parents. Since I believe in trying anything to see if it works, we attended the first of 3 sessions last Thursday. It was excellent and has made for some interesting (and some heated) discussions between JourneyMan and I. At the course, I realised that I had been holding back from saying anything negative about having JBB - basically because I didn't think that I had any right to because of what we went through to have him.

There is not anything really negative, it is just that some days can be pretty challenging and my goodness, the worry - both JourneyMan and I have not been able to help ourselves from checking the little popsicle is breathing - sometimes he is so quiet it is scary. I absolutely 100% know that I am lucky and I am completely grateful for the gift that we have been given but does that mean that I can't express my feelings? I had also avoided doing it on this blog because I know that many, many people out there are continuing to fight the battle of IF and I don't want to be insensitive to their plight. I would love it if anyone could help me out with some advice here!!

I do feel stressed at the moment. JourneyMan lost his job a couple of weeks ago and it is getting to the point where if he doesn't get something soon, I might have to ask if I can go back to work earlier. I know that it is crazy but I feel a bit like that the price that I have to pay for having my dream come true is that I have to go back to work and not be with my gorgeous boy for all of his 'firsts' and to nurture and care for him. That being said, JourneyMan does have a few good prospects on the go at the moment and I am hopeful that he will be able to secure something very soon!!

News about JBB - he is 5.2kg's (11lb's) now and growing very well. He has the most beautiful skin I have ever seen. He is now smiling in response to us and laughing as well - my sister and I call him the time muncher because we can spend hours trying to make him smile and laugh. JourneyMan and I both read to him everday - mainly books that we are reading ourselves but also some children's books too. I love singing to him - though my voice is terrible, poor kid!! Despite the stress, despite the tiredness, despite any minor niggle that there is in my life - I feel absolute and utter joy every day - I mean who wouldn't looking at this face.....

Quick Pic

I couldn't resist posting this Cutie McCuterson pic of JBB..... Will post soon (and do some hard core reading - I am so behind on the news!!)

The Donor Egg Mother

This post has been bubbling away in me for awhile but I have waited and waited to post it basically because I don't really know how to express myself about it. I have having a tough time articulating my feelings here but I have decided to just go ahead and see what comes out.

There is a lingering feeling of 'what the?' about being a 'Donor Egg Mother'. It is not that I feel separate from JBB, I don't - I couldn't love him any more than I do - I love him with a ferocious, protective passion. It is not that I care that he doesn't look like me, he looks like my fabulous husband which is a wonderfully beautiful thing to me. JBB is beautifully perfect in every way - why would I want to change him?

I think it is because of the label 'Donor Egg Mother'. Why do I feel the need to label myself so when I really am just 'Mother'? I think that the problem here is myself because it plays on that age old fear within me that I never fit in anywhere - maybe I even relish this fact because it is comfortable. Even though I have plenty of friends who are Mum's there is no-one in my life who can exactly relate to how I am feeling.

There is also an element of fear that JBB will be angry because of the choices that we made. I know that it sounds irrational but what if he ends up hating me because of the lengths that we went to to have him?

I also feel some fear about telling our gorgeous JBB. How can we ensure that he understands how his life began? How can we ensure that he understand that we would do anything to bring him into our lives and that he is no different from any other boy?

Sorry, gotta go - JBB is ready to eat!! Will continue this post later (and will update you on how JourneyMan has lost his job - stress city here I tell you!!).

Another reason for Thailand again in July 2011

I have to be super quick as JBB seems to have a sixth sense for when I pick up the computer - he loves to wake up and demand to be fed!! The days have been all JBB all the time lately because although he has been sleeping well at night, he doesn't settle well during the day unless he is in my arms (I can't say that I don't like it because I could hold and stare at him for hours though it does get a bit difficult to get something to eat or even to visit the ladies!!). He is in bed right now so I am hoping for a quick post.

Thanks to all for your comments on our decision to go back to Thailand in 2011 to try for JBBS (Journey Baby Boy's Sibling - thanks Lifeslurper!!). Another reason that I would like to do this asap is that I would like the whole IF experience behind us. I know that sounds awful but over the past few weeks I have started to think about all the things that I will need to do in the lead up to Thailand. I need to get fit again (I have a goal to do a 15km run in April next year) and lose weight (I put on ALOT during the pregnancy with JBB), I will go back to Bikram yoga in the new year, we will need to get the money together for the trip, I will have to start back on the castor oil packs every second day, I will need to go to acupuncture each week and have the stinky herbs, I will need to have my 1 litre of fertility tea each day, I will need to start skin brushing again to detox my body - I am a little bit tired just thinking about it all again. Plus, I also don't want to miss a minute of JBB's life.

That's why I want it over with. Unless we win the lottery, we are only going to go for 2 children so it would be good to have our family all done and dusted. As some of you may remember, we didn't get any embryo's for the freezer last time so we will have to do the whole thing again from scratch. To preempt a question that many people have asked us, no - we won't be using the same donor. There are two main reasons why. Firstly, it would be unlikely that she would be available at the time when we would like to have a new cycle and secondly, JBB was the only viable embryo from the 18 eggs that the donor produced - my thought is 'what if next time there isn't even one?'.

I feel that I have recovered a little from the IF experience - although the bitter laugh that escapes me when my GP, OB and maternal health nurse asked what we are doing about contraception shows that some wounds still linger. However, then the thought of getting ready for Thailand and going again brings back the scary doubts and literal horror I feel at not acheiving a BFP from another cycle. There is also some part of me that still wrestles with the small hope that maybe if I had of had the blood thinning injections in the previous cycles with my own eggs - could I have gotten pregnant that way? Should we try another cycle here before we head to Thailand? 99.9% of the time I think 'no' basically because it was not really about implantation for me, it was the fact that I didn't respond to the drugs and that my ovaries couldn't seem to mature more than one egg at a time even if they were taken out of my body and beaten into submission but there does exist that small hope.

I actually don't really understand that small part of myself either because when I look at JBB and there is no chance of him looking like me, I don't care - especially when he recognises my voice and gives me a smile or when someone else is holding him and he won't settle and then I take him and sing to him and he settles beautifully and when I know from how he is crying what he wants. I am his Mum and I couldn't give a fat rats clacker whether he looks like me or not. The pragmatic part of me thinks 'what difference would it make if a child was from my egg?' to which the answer is absolutely nothing. Therefore, why would I try again with my own eggs with little or no chance or try in Thailand with a donor and have a 50%+ chance? After all, it wasn't as if it was only one cycle we tried with my own eggs, it was 5 cycles during which time we got bugger all embryo's to transfer (3 to be exact).

Okay - sorry this post has been all over the place - it is a bit of a stream of consciousness. Gotta go people - JBB is stirring!!!

Time is marching on!!

Cripes - I realised that I hadn't posted in 3 weeks, honestly - it felt like only 3 days ago time is moving so quickly!! Motherhood is wonderful, I am loving every minute of it and JBB is growing like a little weed!!

He has started to smile which is absolutely heart melting and I am constantly trying to make him smile all the time which I am sure is quite exhausting for him. He has teased us a few times with some long sleeps - one night he slept for 6 hours and one night he slept for 7 hours (which was bliss!!) but for the most part he is sleeping for around 3-4 hours at a time.

I feel like I have settled in to motherhood now. At the beginning I was worried every minute that I was doing something wrong or that I was going to hurt him. Now that things have settled down a bit, I am feeling more confident that I can settle him if he is crying or attend to whatever need that he has at a time. I am starting to trust myself with him a bit more.

We have also started talking about when we are going back to Thailand to get a little brother or sister for JBB and we are hoping to go back in July next year - whoo hoo, I am very excited!! JourneyMan couldn't believe that I wanted to do it so quickly but there are some practical reasons to get moving so soon - firstly, I am going to be turning 40 next year and I would like to be pregnant again before I hit the big four O. Secondly, the OB has said that your body stays more prepared for another pregnancy for 12 months after the birth of the first one so as always, I would like to give myself the best chance of conceiving so that is the main reason that we will go back.

The days seem to speed by at the moment - I have had a lot on and I am hoping that it will settle down a bit over the next month. I think that JBB and I have been going out a bit too much lately - I am going to try to stay home a bit more over the next month. I think that after not driving for 6 weeks, I got a bit carried away and started going out to too many places!! I went to the OB at 6 weeks and all was excellent, which was great.

I did have a momentous occasion at 6 weeks - I was able to stop the blood thinning injections. Whoo hooo - that was a great day since I had been having hte daily injections since November and I was pretty over it (though I do think it was a critical factor in the success of my conception and pregnancy of JBB so I will not complain too much!!). Now I only take my vitamins every day which is lovely!

I took JBB in to work on Wednesday and boy was he a show stopper. He had bit smiles for all the girls - I think he is going to be a heart breaker for sure!!

Well, I have to catch up on some reading - I promise to post more often!!

JBB is one month old today!

Wow, what a month it's been - it has been the best month of my life!! Our gorgeous little popsicle is really running our lives and it is absolutely wonderful!!

We had a great day today - we had a family walk this morning. It was great to have time to catch up and chat with JourneyMan, it has been completely hectic and most of the time we are feeding, settling, changing or playing with the little one or else we are sleeping. We then went out for lunch and in the afternoon worked on JBB's baby book. It has been a wonderful and challenging month.

One month ago today, they showed me little JBB - the image of him covered in the amniotic fluid is etched in my mind and will be forever. I can't even explain the feeling that I had at that moment. It was definitley overwhelming relief and joy but there was also a surreal and shocked feeling as well.

I cannot believe that work that it takes to take care of this little bundle. I have had some frustrated moments but at those times I think of the times that I dreamed of being in this position. I definitely think that the IF journey has made me appreciate this wonderful journey more - especially as it can be quite challenging.

Breastfeeding has been a challenge. There has been a number of times when JBB has been screaming because I haven't got enough milk so I have to give him formula. At those times, I can't help but feel like a bit of a failure even though I said to myself that if I couldn't breastfeed, I wouldn't beat myself up. I just want to give JBB the best in life. I am going to keep trying to breastfeed as much as possible and try to get more of a supply going so that he will not go hungry.

I have another maternal health nurse appointment tomorrow. I can definitely see that he has grown and put on weight over the past 2 weeks so I think it will be good tomorrow.

Goodbye Powderfinger!

If you will allow me a small diversion from the main subject of this blog - I have to say goodbye to my favourite band, Powderfinger. They are an Aussie band who I have loved for many years and seen in concert numerous times - their music has also been the soundtrack to many of the moments in my life. They are on their final tour of Australia and will break up following the tour - booooo.

My bestie, my younger sister and I went to one of their farewell concerts last Saturday - it was a fabulously fun night, though I have to admit to not looking forward to it that much cos I was SOOOOO tired. My bestie got the tickets for us months and months ago - we knew it would only be 3 weeks after the ceasar but we just had to say goodbye to them. We were all pretty misery guts turning up to the concert - all of us were tired and couldn't really be bothered but I tell you as soon as the band came on, we were pumped - it was a fantastic concert!!

Some Powderfinger songs that evoke memories for me:

* My bestie and I went to an information night on trekking to Mt Everest base camp in Nepal - they played the song Passenger to a slideshow of pics of Everest:

If you want to be a passenger

Climb aboard with me, we're leaving now

Step outside and see, another world

Only if you want to be a passenger

* When we were in Nepal, we had a very tough hiking day out of a little place called Namche Bazaar - my bestie and I realised on this day just how tough our little 'holiday' was going to be. I was listening to my portable cd player at the time - MP3's not being invented yet!! This song (Already Gone) always reminds me of that momumental day:

You've been working all your life

All weekends and overtime

All these things just pass you by

You can relate, to the leisured life

* I was single for a long time and at times despaired of meeting a man to love and who would love me - the song 'These Days' always went through my head over and over at these times.

This life well it's slipping right through my hands

These days turned out nothing like I had planned

* I trained walking for hours and hours for the 100km in 48 hour charity walk and the song Thrillology always reminds me of this time (especially of getting up at 4am and walking 25km to work - the thought of it now, my goodness!!) - Completing that walk is still one of my proudest achievements.

I'm feeling richer, I'm feeling taller

I feel like every time I try to fit the picture

I've got to keep up, with all the others

Looking for whatever we were never to discover

* When I met JourneyMan and we started dating, Bless my Soul was the song that kept on running through my head

Colour me with red and gold

Your sweet love has blessed my soul

* When JourneyMan and I got married, our first dance was to the Bernard Fanning (lead singer of Powderfinger) song Watch Over Me

When trouble fills my world, you bring me peace

You calm me down, your my release

When walls come crashing down around my feet

You light my way, your my release

* When amidst the trauma of IF - the song 'Nobody Sees' was the soundtrack in my head

Nobody knows just how it feels today

Nobody sees how our hearts break

Saturday night was absolutely wonderful but my favourite concert of all time was one that my bestie and I went to years ago - she surprised me with tickets for my birthday and honestly, one of the best presents of all time (my best present is JBB who I consider as my birthday present this year!!).

Thanks for the memories, Powderfinger!!

The Physical Impact of Motherhood.

I felt like I was pretty prepared to be a mother. I thought that I had read heaps of books and had talked to as many mothers as I knew to get a picture of what motherhood was about. One thing that I didn't understand was the physical impact of motherhood.

Over the past 10 years, I have been pretty fit and I have set and achieved many physical challenges over this time. I have competed in 5K, 10K runs and even a half marathon. I even hiked up to Everest base camp in Nepal with my bestie. However, the biggest physical challenge that I ever participated in was a 100km (62 miles) walk over 48 hours. It was a walk for charity and I competed in a team with my sister in law and a couple of her friends. We trained for it for 6 months and it was absolutely full on.

The 100km culminated in the last 10km climbing up a mountain (not that we have very big mountains in Australia but it was a mountain nonetheless). As long as you walked through each check point - you could leave the course and have a rest at any time, which we did on the first night. We had walked for 14 hours that day and went to my brother's place (which was close to the course) and 'slept' - I use inverted comma's here because basically all I did was lie there for a couple of hours feeling my whole body throbbing.

So, why am I telling you this story? The other night, I got up to feed JBB at around 3am - generally he is feeding a couple of times during the night so I am not really having more than around 2 hours of sleep in a row at any one time (JourneyMan was feeding him expressed milk for one of the night feeds for a while so that I could get a bit more sleep but the maternal health nurse put the kaibosh on that saying that I would reduce my breast milk if I continued to do this regularly). Once I had fed JBB, I went back to bed at about 4am and tried to go back to sleep. As I lay in bed, I realised that my body felt like that night that I was in the middle of the charity walk - the whole thing was throbbing.

It is quite amazing the toll that this motherhood caper can take on your body. That being said though, I look at JBB's peaceful sleeping face and the tiredness and throbbing, exhausted body is forgotten.

It also hasn't helped that I was completely inactive throughout the pregnancy - I am going to have to start getting (slowly) back into shape. I am hoping that the weather is nice on Monday - I am going to venture out for a walk with JBB, just a small one, to see how I go!

Barely time to scratch myself + a quick view of JBB (be quick - it won't last!!)

Hi All,

I am sorry that I haven't been commenting - I have got a lot of catching up on blogs to do but I have barely had time to scratch myself just recently. Yesterday I had to ask my Mum to come around for an hour or so, so that I could have a shower!! Our little bundle of joy has been running me ragged. I have had a bit of trouble breastfeeding and today I attended a full day workshop at the hospital with a lactation consultant and now have a bit more confidence back. I lost my confidence when JBB lost weight - I will still be nervous until he gets weighed again next Monday but for the moment, I am going to try to trust that all is okay.

It is very intense, this parenting game. Intense but wonderful. It has been pretty hard with JourneyMan going back to work so quickly and trying to recover from the ceasarean. Much of the time I feel alone and that I need to cope on my own, that part is quite tough - though JourneyMan has been really good with helping out with a feed over night, I really need his help around the house a bit more. That being said - my time with JBB is absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for the world - I was watching when he learned to blurt, I have learnt how to calm him, I saw when he first smiled, he has fallen asleep on my chest. I am providing him love, comfort and nutrition - honestly, I am the luckiest person in the world.

One thing I will tell you that has moved me greatly when we were in the hospital. JourneyMan and I were marvelling over this perfect little boy who has come in to our lives and JourneyMan said to me 'thank you for all of the work that you did to find out about Thailand, if you hadn't of done all of that research and work, we wouldn't have JBB'. This brought tears to my eyes - it was absolutely wonderful to know that JourneyMan appreciated that I hadn't given up, that I had researched, planned and actioned our Thailand plan - it meant the world to me to hear those words.

Here is a little pic of our JBB - check it out because I don't think that I will keep it up on the blog for long!!