The Donor Egg Mother

This post has been bubbling away in me for awhile but I have waited and waited to post it basically because I don't really know how to express myself about it. I have having a tough time articulating my feelings here but I have decided to just go ahead and see what comes out.

There is a lingering feeling of 'what the?' about being a 'Donor Egg Mother'. It is not that I feel separate from JBB, I don't - I couldn't love him any more than I do - I love him with a ferocious, protective passion. It is not that I care that he doesn't look like me, he looks like my fabulous husband which is a wonderfully beautiful thing to me. JBB is beautifully perfect in every way - why would I want to change him?

I think it is because of the label 'Donor Egg Mother'. Why do I feel the need to label myself so when I really am just 'Mother'? I think that the problem here is myself because it plays on that age old fear within me that I never fit in anywhere - maybe I even relish this fact because it is comfortable. Even though I have plenty of friends who are Mum's there is no-one in my life who can exactly relate to how I am feeling.

There is also an element of fear that JBB will be angry because of the choices that we made. I know that it sounds irrational but what if he ends up hating me because of the lengths that we went to to have him?

I also feel some fear about telling our gorgeous JBB. How can we ensure that he understands how his life began? How can we ensure that he understand that we would do anything to bring him into our lives and that he is no different from any other boy?

Sorry, gotta go - JBB is ready to eat!! Will continue this post later (and will update you on how JourneyMan has lost his job - stress city here I tell you!!).

Another reason for Thailand again in July 2011

I have to be super quick as JBB seems to have a sixth sense for when I pick up the computer - he loves to wake up and demand to be fed!! The days have been all JBB all the time lately because although he has been sleeping well at night, he doesn't settle well during the day unless he is in my arms (I can't say that I don't like it because I could hold and stare at him for hours though it does get a bit difficult to get something to eat or even to visit the ladies!!). He is in bed right now so I am hoping for a quick post.

Thanks to all for your comments on our decision to go back to Thailand in 2011 to try for JBBS (Journey Baby Boy's Sibling - thanks Lifeslurper!!). Another reason that I would like to do this asap is that I would like the whole IF experience behind us. I know that sounds awful but over the past few weeks I have started to think about all the things that I will need to do in the lead up to Thailand. I need to get fit again (I have a goal to do a 15km run in April next year) and lose weight (I put on ALOT during the pregnancy with JBB), I will go back to Bikram yoga in the new year, we will need to get the money together for the trip, I will have to start back on the castor oil packs every second day, I will need to go to acupuncture each week and have the stinky herbs, I will need to have my 1 litre of fertility tea each day, I will need to start skin brushing again to detox my body - I am a little bit tired just thinking about it all again. Plus, I also don't want to miss a minute of JBB's life.

That's why I want it over with. Unless we win the lottery, we are only going to go for 2 children so it would be good to have our family all done and dusted. As some of you may remember, we didn't get any embryo's for the freezer last time so we will have to do the whole thing again from scratch. To preempt a question that many people have asked us, no - we won't be using the same donor. There are two main reasons why. Firstly, it would be unlikely that she would be available at the time when we would like to have a new cycle and secondly, JBB was the only viable embryo from the 18 eggs that the donor produced - my thought is 'what if next time there isn't even one?'.

I feel that I have recovered a little from the IF experience - although the bitter laugh that escapes me when my GP, OB and maternal health nurse asked what we are doing about contraception shows that some wounds still linger. However, then the thought of getting ready for Thailand and going again brings back the scary doubts and literal horror I feel at not acheiving a BFP from another cycle. There is also some part of me that still wrestles with the small hope that maybe if I had of had the blood thinning injections in the previous cycles with my own eggs - could I have gotten pregnant that way? Should we try another cycle here before we head to Thailand? 99.9% of the time I think 'no' basically because it was not really about implantation for me, it was the fact that I didn't respond to the drugs and that my ovaries couldn't seem to mature more than one egg at a time even if they were taken out of my body and beaten into submission but there does exist that small hope.

I actually don't really understand that small part of myself either because when I look at JBB and there is no chance of him looking like me, I don't care - especially when he recognises my voice and gives me a smile or when someone else is holding him and he won't settle and then I take him and sing to him and he settles beautifully and when I know from how he is crying what he wants. I am his Mum and I couldn't give a fat rats clacker whether he looks like me or not. The pragmatic part of me thinks 'what difference would it make if a child was from my egg?' to which the answer is absolutely nothing. Therefore, why would I try again with my own eggs with little or no chance or try in Thailand with a donor and have a 50%+ chance? After all, it wasn't as if it was only one cycle we tried with my own eggs, it was 5 cycles during which time we got bugger all embryo's to transfer (3 to be exact).

Okay - sorry this post has been all over the place - it is a bit of a stream of consciousness. Gotta go people - JBB is stirring!!!

Time is marching on!!

Cripes - I realised that I hadn't posted in 3 weeks, honestly - it felt like only 3 days ago time is moving so quickly!! Motherhood is wonderful, I am loving every minute of it and JBB is growing like a little weed!!

He has started to smile which is absolutely heart melting and I am constantly trying to make him smile all the time which I am sure is quite exhausting for him. He has teased us a few times with some long sleeps - one night he slept for 6 hours and one night he slept for 7 hours (which was bliss!!) but for the most part he is sleeping for around 3-4 hours at a time.

I feel like I have settled in to motherhood now. At the beginning I was worried every minute that I was doing something wrong or that I was going to hurt him. Now that things have settled down a bit, I am feeling more confident that I can settle him if he is crying or attend to whatever need that he has at a time. I am starting to trust myself with him a bit more.

We have also started talking about when we are going back to Thailand to get a little brother or sister for JBB and we are hoping to go back in July next year - whoo hoo, I am very excited!! JourneyMan couldn't believe that I wanted to do it so quickly but there are some practical reasons to get moving so soon - firstly, I am going to be turning 40 next year and I would like to be pregnant again before I hit the big four O. Secondly, the OB has said that your body stays more prepared for another pregnancy for 12 months after the birth of the first one so as always, I would like to give myself the best chance of conceiving so that is the main reason that we will go back.

The days seem to speed by at the moment - I have had a lot on and I am hoping that it will settle down a bit over the next month. I think that JBB and I have been going out a bit too much lately - I am going to try to stay home a bit more over the next month. I think that after not driving for 6 weeks, I got a bit carried away and started going out to too many places!! I went to the OB at 6 weeks and all was excellent, which was great.

I did have a momentous occasion at 6 weeks - I was able to stop the blood thinning injections. Whoo hooo - that was a great day since I had been having hte daily injections since November and I was pretty over it (though I do think it was a critical factor in the success of my conception and pregnancy of JBB so I will not complain too much!!). Now I only take my vitamins every day which is lovely!

I took JBB in to work on Wednesday and boy was he a show stopper. He had bit smiles for all the girls - I think he is going to be a heart breaker for sure!!

Well, I have to catch up on some reading - I promise to post more often!!

JBB is one month old today!

Wow, what a month it's been - it has been the best month of my life!! Our gorgeous little popsicle is really running our lives and it is absolutely wonderful!!

We had a great day today - we had a family walk this morning. It was great to have time to catch up and chat with JourneyMan, it has been completely hectic and most of the time we are feeding, settling, changing or playing with the little one or else we are sleeping. We then went out for lunch and in the afternoon worked on JBB's baby book. It has been a wonderful and challenging month.

One month ago today, they showed me little JBB - the image of him covered in the amniotic fluid is etched in my mind and will be forever. I can't even explain the feeling that I had at that moment. It was definitley overwhelming relief and joy but there was also a surreal and shocked feeling as well.

I cannot believe that work that it takes to take care of this little bundle. I have had some frustrated moments but at those times I think of the times that I dreamed of being in this position. I definitely think that the IF journey has made me appreciate this wonderful journey more - especially as it can be quite challenging.

Breastfeeding has been a challenge. There has been a number of times when JBB has been screaming because I haven't got enough milk so I have to give him formula. At those times, I can't help but feel like a bit of a failure even though I said to myself that if I couldn't breastfeed, I wouldn't beat myself up. I just want to give JBB the best in life. I am going to keep trying to breastfeed as much as possible and try to get more of a supply going so that he will not go hungry.

I have another maternal health nurse appointment tomorrow. I can definitely see that he has grown and put on weight over the past 2 weeks so I think it will be good tomorrow.

Goodbye Powderfinger!

If you will allow me a small diversion from the main subject of this blog - I have to say goodbye to my favourite band, Powderfinger. They are an Aussie band who I have loved for many years and seen in concert numerous times - their music has also been the soundtrack to many of the moments in my life. They are on their final tour of Australia and will break up following the tour - booooo.

My bestie, my younger sister and I went to one of their farewell concerts last Saturday - it was a fabulously fun night, though I have to admit to not looking forward to it that much cos I was SOOOOO tired. My bestie got the tickets for us months and months ago - we knew it would only be 3 weeks after the ceasar but we just had to say goodbye to them. We were all pretty misery guts turning up to the concert - all of us were tired and couldn't really be bothered but I tell you as soon as the band came on, we were pumped - it was a fantastic concert!!

Some Powderfinger songs that evoke memories for me:

* My bestie and I went to an information night on trekking to Mt Everest base camp in Nepal - they played the song Passenger to a slideshow of pics of Everest:

If you want to be a passenger

Climb aboard with me, we're leaving now

Step outside and see, another world

Only if you want to be a passenger

* When we were in Nepal, we had a very tough hiking day out of a little place called Namche Bazaar - my bestie and I realised on this day just how tough our little 'holiday' was going to be. I was listening to my portable cd player at the time - MP3's not being invented yet!! This song (Already Gone) always reminds me of that momumental day:

You've been working all your life

All weekends and overtime

All these things just pass you by

You can relate, to the leisured life

* I was single for a long time and at times despaired of meeting a man to love and who would love me - the song 'These Days' always went through my head over and over at these times.

This life well it's slipping right through my hands

These days turned out nothing like I had planned

* I trained walking for hours and hours for the 100km in 48 hour charity walk and the song Thrillology always reminds me of this time (especially of getting up at 4am and walking 25km to work - the thought of it now, my goodness!!) - Completing that walk is still one of my proudest achievements.

I'm feeling richer, I'm feeling taller

I feel like every time I try to fit the picture

I've got to keep up, with all the others

Looking for whatever we were never to discover

* When I met JourneyMan and we started dating, Bless my Soul was the song that kept on running through my head

Colour me with red and gold

Your sweet love has blessed my soul

* When JourneyMan and I got married, our first dance was to the Bernard Fanning (lead singer of Powderfinger) song Watch Over Me

When trouble fills my world, you bring me peace

You calm me down, your my release

When walls come crashing down around my feet

You light my way, your my release

* When amidst the trauma of IF - the song 'Nobody Sees' was the soundtrack in my head

Nobody knows just how it feels today

Nobody sees how our hearts break

Saturday night was absolutely wonderful but my favourite concert of all time was one that my bestie and I went to years ago - she surprised me with tickets for my birthday and honestly, one of the best presents of all time (my best present is JBB who I consider as my birthday present this year!!).

Thanks for the memories, Powderfinger!!

The Physical Impact of Motherhood.

I felt like I was pretty prepared to be a mother. I thought that I had read heaps of books and had talked to as many mothers as I knew to get a picture of what motherhood was about. One thing that I didn't understand was the physical impact of motherhood.

Over the past 10 years, I have been pretty fit and I have set and achieved many physical challenges over this time. I have competed in 5K, 10K runs and even a half marathon. I even hiked up to Everest base camp in Nepal with my bestie. However, the biggest physical challenge that I ever participated in was a 100km (62 miles) walk over 48 hours. It was a walk for charity and I competed in a team with my sister in law and a couple of her friends. We trained for it for 6 months and it was absolutely full on.

The 100km culminated in the last 10km climbing up a mountain (not that we have very big mountains in Australia but it was a mountain nonetheless). As long as you walked through each check point - you could leave the course and have a rest at any time, which we did on the first night. We had walked for 14 hours that day and went to my brother's place (which was close to the course) and 'slept' - I use inverted comma's here because basically all I did was lie there for a couple of hours feeling my whole body throbbing.

So, why am I telling you this story? The other night, I got up to feed JBB at around 3am - generally he is feeding a couple of times during the night so I am not really having more than around 2 hours of sleep in a row at any one time (JourneyMan was feeding him expressed milk for one of the night feeds for a while so that I could get a bit more sleep but the maternal health nurse put the kaibosh on that saying that I would reduce my breast milk if I continued to do this regularly). Once I had fed JBB, I went back to bed at about 4am and tried to go back to sleep. As I lay in bed, I realised that my body felt like that night that I was in the middle of the charity walk - the whole thing was throbbing.

It is quite amazing the toll that this motherhood caper can take on your body. That being said though, I look at JBB's peaceful sleeping face and the tiredness and throbbing, exhausted body is forgotten.

It also hasn't helped that I was completely inactive throughout the pregnancy - I am going to have to start getting (slowly) back into shape. I am hoping that the weather is nice on Monday - I am going to venture out for a walk with JBB, just a small one, to see how I go!

Barely time to scratch myself + a quick view of JBB (be quick - it won't last!!)

Hi All,

I am sorry that I haven't been commenting - I have got a lot of catching up on blogs to do but I have barely had time to scratch myself just recently. Yesterday I had to ask my Mum to come around for an hour or so, so that I could have a shower!! Our little bundle of joy has been running me ragged. I have had a bit of trouble breastfeeding and today I attended a full day workshop at the hospital with a lactation consultant and now have a bit more confidence back. I lost my confidence when JBB lost weight - I will still be nervous until he gets weighed again next Monday but for the moment, I am going to try to trust that all is okay.

It is very intense, this parenting game. Intense but wonderful. It has been pretty hard with JourneyMan going back to work so quickly and trying to recover from the ceasarean. Much of the time I feel alone and that I need to cope on my own, that part is quite tough - though JourneyMan has been really good with helping out with a feed over night, I really need his help around the house a bit more. That being said - my time with JBB is absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't trade it for the world - I was watching when he learned to blurt, I have learnt how to calm him, I saw when he first smiled, he has fallen asleep on my chest. I am providing him love, comfort and nutrition - honestly, I am the luckiest person in the world.

One thing I will tell you that has moved me greatly when we were in the hospital. JourneyMan and I were marvelling over this perfect little boy who has come in to our lives and JourneyMan said to me 'thank you for all of the work that you did to find out about Thailand, if you hadn't of done all of that research and work, we wouldn't have JBB'. This brought tears to my eyes - it was absolutely wonderful to know that JourneyMan appreciated that I hadn't given up, that I had researched, planned and actioned our Thailand plan - it meant the world to me to hear those words.

Here is a little pic of our JBB - check it out because I don't think that I will keep it up on the blog for long!!

Nothing can prepare you!

Firstly, thanks to all for you comments and best wishes - both JourneyMan and I are touched by your lovely words and thoughts!

Secondly, let me bring you up to date on what has been happening. We are finally home from the hospital but not without a little drama. We had a private room at the hospital which was lovely and Journeyman stayed in the hospital the whole time. He has been absolutely wonderful and has been there helping and supporting me unbelievably well.

On Thursday after the ceasar, we had a few visitors in the afternoon, my Mum, Dad and younger sister dropped by, then JourneyMan's mum and youngest sister came, my bestie dropped by and then we had my older sister and her 3 boys who were absolutely fascinated to see JBB. I thought that I would be a bit overwhelmed to have visitors but I was thrilled to show him off!! We did bundle the visitors out whenever I needed to feed JBB though, I couldn't have done that in front of everyone.

I wasn't out of bed until Friday when they took out the catheter and drip and it was pretty painful to get to the shower first up. The mid-wife helped me to the shower and then I was able to get myself washed, though she did give me some help getting dressed. It was great on Friday to start really taking care of our little bundle - honestly, I have never been so happy in my life!! My bestie dropped in again on Friday night which was wonderful.

Saturday and Sunday went by with more visitors and learning how to take care of JBB more and more. I must confess that by this point, I had not changed a nappy, JourneyMan had done them all - he is amazing! We weren't getting much sleep as we were up changing and feeding but we were still euphoric so it didn't matter how tired we were! We were really happy on Sunday night because we would be going home the next day and were really looking forward to getting home and starting our family life in our house.

Sunday night was horrible. JBB was up all night screaming. There was nothing that we could do to comfort him, he had been fed, changed, rocked, sung to - everything we could think of. I checked in my book to see if there was something we were missing. I called the mid-wife in to see if she had any ideas, she basically said that there was nothing further we could do. This frustrated the hell out of me because he really was screaming and I really thought that it must be because there was something wrong. Nothing can prepare you for a night like that. I felt so powerless because he was upset and nothing I did gave him any comfort - it was terrible.

Finally the morning rolled around and before we left, had to be weighed. This was when we found out that he had lost more than 10% of his body weight at birth. I immediately started crying - I felt like a failure, I had been starving my son, no wonder he was up screaming all night. The obstetritian came to see us and I told him about some clots that I had passed the day before (TMI but they were almost as big as my fist) and he suspected that I had an infection. He suggested that we would probably need to stay for another night because of JBB's weight and my infection.

I was devastated, I really wanted to go home and I just couldn't stop crying because I really felt that I had starved my baby. They told me to start expressing my breast milk to give JBB some top up's at each feed and when I called my mum and sobbed to her about it - she was ropable because she said that the mid-wife should have at least suggested trying out a feed of formula when JBB had not slept all night on Sunday night - she was going to come in and give her a piece of her mind but I told her not to.

I saw the lactation specialist on Monday and she told me that I definitely had enough milk coming through so JBB should be getting enough to eat but clearly that wasn't happening. By Monday afternoon, I realised through expressing that I was getting less and less milk as the day went on - I felt like I was seriously under pressure because I wasn't getting enough milk and I didn't want JBB to lose any more weight - I also didn't want to have to stay another night in the hospital which there was a very real risk of. I called in the day midwife and had a chat to her and asked if we could start a top up of formula from the next feed on - she was absolutely wonderful and came up with a great plan and really talked me down from blaming myself - it was a great relief.

JourneyMan then had to go home because he was working on Tuesday and we needed my Mum to come and pick me up so he dropped our car off (with the baby seat) to my Mum so she could come in in the morning. Journeyman rode back in on his motorbike. On Sunday night I came back to the room after being in the breastfeeding room with the lactation consultant and practically all of JourneyMan's family were there - I nearly had a heart attack - I'd had a very trying day after a night of no sleep, I didn't think I could handle it. I left JBB with them so they could visit with him and I went back to the breastfeeding room to do some milk expressing. When I came back, I felt better and had a good visit with them - though Journeyman didn't let them stay to long which was much appreciated.

On Monday night, I got up every 3 hours to feed JBB and express milk - I didn't get more than an hour to 90 mins of sleep in a row that night as I wanted JourneyMan to have a full night's sleep as he had to work the next day. Finally, 5am rolled around again and we called for JBB to get weighed - we waited with bated breath and to our great relief, he had put on 150grams - quite a big amount in one day I am told (they hope that at this point they are gaining around 200g a week!!). We were esctatic - we were going home!!!

The Journey to JourneyBabyBoy

Not surprisingly, I didn't sleep well on Wednesday night - I woke about every hour and by 3am there was no going back to sleep for me. I read until 4am and then got up and had a bath. I was in desperate need of some hair maintenance (the shaving of some and the washing, drying and straightening of others!). I was ready by 5am and JourneyMan was just starting to get ready. JourneyDog sat with me for a cuddle on the couch while we waited.

Despite being up early, I wasn't overly nervous - it did feel very surreal, the fact that the next time I was home I would have JBB with me and that I would finally see him that day, it was a weird feeling. We dropped JourneyDog off at my Mum and Dad's place (my Mum couldn't sleep either so she was up to give me a big hug before we went to the hospital. We had an uneventful drive to the hospital and checked in at around 6:15am. I then changed into the hospital gown and jumped (not literally) into the bed. We had quite long wait - we weren't going in to the operating theatre until 8am.

After much waiting, we were finally wheeled into the operating theatre at 8am. JourneyMan waited outside while I was given the spinal block. This was not my favourite experience of the day - it hurt, quite a bit. I think they hit a few nerves because I would get what felt like an electric shocks through areas on my legs, bottom and back. I couldn't hold back the tears - at first it was because it hurt but once I started, I had trouble stopping. I felt really stupid but everyone was really nice to me. Finally, they were able to get the spinal block working and I was laid down. I practised some yoga breathing and got myself back together and they led JourneyMan into the theatre. As soon as JourneyMan got there though, I started crying again and kept saying to him 'I don't know why I'm crying'. Thinking back now, I think it was a release of all the emotions of the past few years of IVF cycles and through the pregnancy - mainly I think relief to finally be there.

JourneyMan was a darling soothing me and making me laugh and honestly, the ceasarean itself was one of the stranger experiences of my life. There was lots of pulling and pushing but certainly no pain. Quicker than I ever imagined they told JourneyMan to stand up and see JBB being born. The next thing that I heard was JBB crying and that was it - the tears started again and did not stop for a long time - that I know was sweet, sweet relief to hear my son - it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life. They brought him over while they cleaned him up and cleared his lungs and whilst he was a covered with goo, he was the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen in my life.

They let me hold him whilst they stitched everything back into place - they were able to do the horizontal incision - yes!!! My OB said it was a text book ceasar - whoo hoo! Too quickly they took JBB away and JourneyMan went with them while they weighed and measured and I went to recovery. All I could think of in recovery was that I couldn't wait to get back to see my boys. After around 40 minutes, I was wheeled back to the room to be reunited with JourneyMan and JBB - I have never been happier in my life, it is my best day.

Thank you to you all for your lovely comments and best wishes, you are all fabulous!!

JourneyMan writes...First son of a first son of a first son.

Here it is!!! I am reminded of this phrase Paul Roos said after Sydney's recent Grand Final win. Now that we are at the end of a long and arduous journey to get JBB,

JourneyGirl's ceaserean was completed over a half hour period. I had this time to sit with JBB on my chest and I was quite content to sit him in the crook of my neck while he stretched and slept and I could have sat there for hours.

I was wondering how I would feel about JBB being conceived with a donor egg, once he had been born. Now that I have met him, I just see my boy and feel a well of love and emotion for him, nothing enters my mind other than his care; the same as if we had conceived him normally. I am very happy with this, I was sure I would love him the same, it is a relief that it has turned out this way.

I would not want to contemplate the emotional state we would be in, had JBB not come along. I know JourneyGirls life is complete in a way it would not have been without JBB, born 6 pouns 8 ounces 835am 19th aug 2010 AEST.

My daydreams are filled with giving him worldly sage-like advice, teaching him to kick a footy & helping him become a loved well rounded person.

JD told me that when we went to the hospital I could stay with her the whole 5 days after JBBs birth. I secretly wondered how I could sneak away for some foxtel & JourneyDog time. Since JBB has been born all I can think about is holding him & listening to his gurgles and assorted baby sounds. Last night I only put him back in his cot because I started to fall asleep and did not want to hurt him.

Originally I was nonplussed about whether I had children or not, I could take it or leave it. Now I am marvelling at JBB and I am glad I did not miss out on the love he has brought to our family.

I thank you all so much for the kinds words & advice to help JourneyGirl along, the best thing for someone worried about the worst outcome is to have some good people to talk through issues with, I think the blogging and support of blog readers has given JG an important outlet for her concerns. Love to all JM.

Twas the night before the ceasar.....

Yay - we made it - this time tomorrow, we will have our darling JBB in our arms - we are just SOOOOO excited but I must admit that it is pretty surreal. I was talking to my bestie tonight and we were thinking about all that has happened and now our day is finally here. After 6 IVF cycles, 2 laparoscopies for me and a vasectomy reversal for JourneyMan, a lap band surgery for me, 40kg's of weight loss, a trip to Thailand, acupuncture and natural therapies without count and 9 months of pregnancy - we are here!! It is very, very surreal and I am very nervous about the ceasar but I am focussed on that moment when they put JBB in my arms - I am beside myself to meet him.

The past couple of days have been wonderful, in fact the past 5 weeks since I have left work have been a lovely saionara to my fancy free days - I have savoured every minute. I am happy to wave goodbye to those days and am looking forward to my new challenge - motherhood!!

I expect that JourneyMan will do the next update to let you know how everything went - thanks again for all of your good wishes my friends!!