4 Weeks to Go - Minutiae

It has been a pretty good week, though I still have swollen glands and a barking cough – I have been to the doctor and she has given me some anti biotics so hopefully that will knock it on the head soon.  Other than that, I am still feeling very ready for the cycle and getting really excited now.  We have an embryo that is the exact quality that JBB was so I am hoping that this

Most of the week, my bestie and I have been consumed with the minutiae of the trip.  We constantly discuss the trip down to the smallest detail and the thing that is making me the most happy is that we have been examining any stressors on the trip and eliminating them one by one.  For example, we have booked a car and driver for us to use on the day of the transfer.  It really is not that far from the hotel but for both transfers last year, I have gotten on the train going the wrong way and have had to get off at the next stop and rush back.  Once I go in for the transfer, my bestie will then take the car and driver and go and shop to her hearts content!!  Another item that has been organised is JBB.  JBB goes to bed at 7pm and as JourneyMan is taking us to the airport we will need to leave at around 7:30pm.  We have been looking for someone to come over to our place and sit in the house while JBB is snoozing there but my Mum wasn’t able to because she can’t really leave my Dad for that long now and JourneyMan’s Mum is working on that night.  I realised that my Mum is minding JBB on the Friday while JourneyMan was at work so asked if JBB could have a sleepover that night, which she of course said yes to – bless her!!  It means that we can get JBB tucked in with Nanna and then head off to the airport.  Gosh, I am going to miss him sooooooo much when I’m away.  We are planning to Skype every day so hopefully it will keep us all happy.

The funny thing about discussing the minutiae of the trip with my bestie is that JourneyMan is very unlike me in this respect.  I told him what we had been discussing and he said he preferred to be in the ‘macronutia’ and that if he was coming the only thing he would be concerned about is plane-hotel-clinic-hotel-plane home.  This I know for sure!!  He has tried to make fun of me saying things like ‘oh, I think that you should have a decaf coffee before you go in for the transfer’ at this place or that place and the funny thing is, we’ve already talked about those things.  I like the planning of a holiday, it serves to make the holiday way more fun in my mind!!

 There was also a day spent discussing JBB’s birthday party.  We are having his 2^nd birthday party at our new house and it is also for my sister (who’s birthday is on the same day as JBB), my sister’s husband and my Aunt.  It is family only (a apart from my bestie who is my family!!) which means that there are around 30 people coming.  I had pretty much done all the menu and a few people were helping out with some dishes but I have found a wholesale party food place who will provide a pack of food and 50 balloons and deliver to us on the morning of the party – sooooo happy!!  One thing that I do want to do for JBB (and also his sister or brother when they come along) is to make them a special birthday cake every year.  Last year because we had the big combined (with my 40^th) birthday party, I made and decorated 90 cupcakes and arranged them into the shape of a big number 1.  This year I am making a train cake which I am sure he is going to totally love!!  I have to admit, I have gone a bit over the top with his birthday presents, I just keep on seeing things that he would love and buying them – he is so spoilt!!

So, the trip is very organised.  Our finances are very healthy and I have also submitted my quarterly tax on time – yayers!!  Once we hit August, it will be all go – there is a lot to organise and do.  I am very excited now and I am still feeling very ready to be pregnant again and to hold a little baby in my arms again.

Ready.....

Now that I have mostly shaken off the illness of the past week or so, I have come to face the undeniable fact that I am now ready.  Ready to go to Thailand, ready for another cycle, ready for another baby.  I have not been this ready since we went to Thailand the first time to have JBB.  

I feel good in my body (I have lost almost 20kg’s / 42lbs), despite not doing any running this past week – I can easily run 5km, so I feel very fit and strong.  My body is now ready for another pregnancy.  I have decided to stop the running from now on because it is really taxing me – I am wanting the next 38 days to be all about, replenishing, nourishing and nurturing my body so that I am 100% ready to go for the transfer.  That doesn’t mean that I am stopping exercise, I am not – I still plan on walking an hour a day, at least 5-6 times per week.  I do need to get back to doing my yoga – that makes me feel very stretched and strong as well.  I will be doing that 5-6 times per week also.

We are now ready in our living situation as well.  We are in a house that has plenty of space for all of us as well as ample to bring another person into our family.  JBB and JourneyDog absolutely love the space to run around in and we have a new bedroom all ready and waiting for a little baby to come and join us!  We haven’t completely set the baby’s room up yet, we just haven’t had a chance to.  I don’t mind though, that space is all there ready for our new little one to arrive.  Previously, we were in a 2 bedroom unit with a small living area and a courtyard, now we are in a 3 bedroom house with a nice living area and a good sized backyard.  We are also in a very family friendly neighbourhood rather than on a main road where we were before..  I know that we would have been able to bring a baby into that unit and it would have been okay but I would much rather have the extra space and the baby to have a room all of their own rather than share.

I am now ready in my mind.  I now feel extremely confident that I can handle a new baby coming into our lives.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t think that there will be times when I am tearing my hair out from exhaustion and frustration – no, I understand that 2 children means double the work, it’s just that I know in my heart that I can handle it now (there were definitely doubts before).  In hindsight, I wasn’t ready in October last year and I still wasn’t in December.  I feel, I was more trying to work to a timeline rather than readying myself for another pregnancy and baby.  I really wanted it all to be ‘over with’ rather than concentrating on accepting another miracle into our lives and building our lives into the kind of family life that we will all enjoy.

I also mainly wanted a sibling for JBB and whilst this has not changed, I also want another baby for myself and JourneyMan.  Previously, I had believed that if I hadn’t wanted a sibling for JBB so badly, I would have moved past IVF altogether and gotten on with our lives.  That’s not true now.  I want to have another baby to relish their differences from JBB, to be pregnant again (and hopefully not worry as much this time), to have a newborn and see them changing every day.  Once my sister had her baby, my heart started to yearn again for a baby in the house.

I don’t necessarily think that this ‘readiness’ is the difference between success and failure of the cycle – who knows why any cycle is a success or a failure?  However, I do feel much better in myself about my own preparedness.  I haven’t been 100% on my plan to do all of my complimentary therapies but I feel that I have done enough.  Enough that if it is negative that I am not going to beat up on myself and blame myself for it.  It will just not be the right time.  Don’t get me wrong, if it is negative, I will be upset and will grieve very much (certainly because it is our last ditch effort for a full blood sibling for JBB) but I am not going to fillet myself with thoughts and words.  I have spent the past 8 months between cycles very well.  I have worked on myself, physically, mentally and emotionally.  We have also changed our living situation considerably, we are all happier.

So, I am ready – what am I going to do with these last 38 days?!??!?!  

Oh yes, packing, cleaning, organising JBB’s 2^nd Birthday, cooking some food for JourneyMan and JBB to have while I am away – oh yeah, still lots to do!!

A Weekend O Shite

The Journey House has not been a happy one over the past few days.  JBB has been sick and so has Journey Man.  JBB has also been getting up at around 4am every morning for the last few months.  We put him back to his room whereupon he cries for around an hour because we then get up at the more ‘civilised’ time of 5am.  In addition to that, he has started to eschew his daily nap.  The result has been one very, very tired and grumpy little boy.

JourneyMan has also been very grumpy because he is sick as well and because he has not been wearing the CPAP machine for the past few nights, I haven’t been getting much sleep either.  On Saturday evening, things took a turn for the worse.  I was cutting up JBB’s dinner when I was doubled over with a pain in my side.  It kept on occurring for awhile and because it was similar to the pain that I had when I had the blood clot in my lung, I was worried.  I called the Nurses on Call, who immediately called the ambulance.  The ambulance people checked me out and said that I needed to go into emergency for further testing so we organised for JourneyMan’s Mum to have JBB for the night and I headed in to the hospital.

An emergency room on a Saturday night when the moon is full is not a particularly fun place to be.  We waited for a long time.  I felt pretty stupid because I didn’t really believe that it was a blood clot but we felt like it had to be ruled out for safety’s sake.  After about 3 hours of waiting, a blood test and a chest xray, I had some raised blood indicators that made them want me to stay in over night and get an MRI scan in the morning.  Until there were the raised indicators, I wasn’t really worried, I thought they would rule it out and then I would go home.

That gave me pause to think about the consequences of it being a clot.  I would have needed to have blood thinning therapy for approximately 12 months which would rule out the cycle in August or really any other cycles for at least a year.  This sent me reeling a bit because we had already determined that we would hopefully (worst case scenario) be finished with cycles by the end of 2013. 

Thankfully, we don’t have to consider the changes that this would have wreaked as the scan on Sunday turned out to be clear.  It turns out that I have some pleurisy in the lungs (Pleurisy is inflammation of the lining of the lungs and chest (the pleura) that leads to chest pain -usually sharp- when you take a breath or cough.) from a viral infection so apart from some pain killers to deal with the pain of it, there is nothing further that can be done.

Hopefully, the Journey house will return to good health and lots of sleeping soon (though I am thinking that we need a good plan for our rascally little JBB).

6 and a half weeks to go!!

Something I can’t get off my mind

I am going to a baby shower in a few weeks and apart from the fact that I am not telling any of my friends (except my bestie who is coming – yayers!) about the cycle in Thailand in August, I don’t mind baby showers now.  They used to hold so many emotions for me, jealousy, hope, wishful thinking, hurt, self pity but now they are a genuine chance to be happy for my friends who are having babies. I am lucky enough to have had my baby shower and I am happy not to have another one (though I still want another baby of course!!).

The friend whose shower it is for is 43 and is pregnant with her boyfriend of a year.  There is no judgement there, I more than anyone else know how loud the biological clock can tick and definitely would have preferred a baby over a wedding any day of the week.  She also has a long history of bad luck with boyfriends and had basically given up any chance of a baby of her own a while ago, so I am very happy indeed at her change in circumstances.

I saw her awhile ago and was really excited to talk to her about the baby.  I was pretty much shut down though (she was about 20 weeks at the time) when she really brushed aside my congratulations.  In my mind, I thought ‘weird’ but tried again.  ‘So how are you feeling, it must be all very exciting?’  Her answer to this was ‘not really, it is all pretty boring’.  She also told me that she didn’t see the point in stopping work early (I wanted to let her know to enjoy those halcyon days when you finish work and the baby hasn’t come yet because there is not much sleep for a while after that) and said that she is working up until the week the baby is due.  Ooooookay, no worries, everyone is different and have there own choices to make, right?

Generally, I consider myself a pretty inclusive person – I really don’t mind what anyone does (as long as they are not hurting anyone else of course) but this burned me and I have been thinking about it for weeks.  Let me recap – she got pregnant at 43 without any trouble that is surely worth a bit of excitement and gratitude!!!  I have felt really affronted by her lack of excitement, or even any real interest.  I know that this is really about me and my journey and probably the fact that I worked so hard for my pregnancy but didn’t really enjoy it because I was so worried, so I know that it’s not her fault, it’s mine.  I didn’t know that something like this would bother me so much but I wanted to shake the pregnant woman and tell her to be excited, dammit.  Not really good behaviour for polite company!!

I hope that there is a little more excitement at the baby shower, either way, I promise there will be no shaking of the pregnant lady.

Great Post O Whinging (read at own risk)

It is a sad fact that I am feeling pretty miserable at the moment.  The weather for one is really getting me down.  I have been getting up at 5am a few times a week to go running and it is very cold and it’s raining so much. This morning, I just couldn’t face getting out of bed and going for a run in the rain again today – yesterday, I was saturated when I got home and I felt cold for the rest of the day.  The building at work is also cold so I am sitting at my desk all day freezing, my bestie and I go for a walk at lunch time and because of the rain, we walk up and down the mulit level car park (so that we don’t get wet) for an hour – it is hardly inspirational scenery., the concrete jungle of a car park.  I am also pretty strictly dieting so that I can lose as much weight as possible before I go to Thailand for the cycle.  Basically I feel like I am in ‘Survivor’, I am cold and hungry (and sometimes battling the elements in physical challenges) most of the time.

To add to my misery this past week, the cramps have come back.  The past few months I have been relatively cramp free – this is a huge improvement from the 3 weeks per month of cramping that I had been having previously but now they are back again and with a vengeance!!  I think probably because I am on the pill it is throwing my hormones out again.  It is exhausting to be in pain all the time, I hope that it won’t be the whole time until I go to Thailand.

I also must say that I am tired of this journey.  Just bone tired.  I was reading through my blog yesterday and I realised that we are actually coming up on our six year anniversary of dealing with infertility and cycles.  In all of that 6 years the only time that I haven’t been considering a cycle, preparing for a cycle or going through a cycle was during the time that I was pregnant with JBB.  Even then I was calculating how long we would need before we could go back and try again.  The mental, physical and emotional energy needed to go through a cycle is phenomenal.  To keep fronting up cycle after cycle takes a monumental effort.  In the beginning, we were in a huge hurry because I was 35 and the clock was ticking ominously.  In a few weeks, I am going to be turning 41 – nuff said.

I know that it is our choice to try for another child, I don’t need any well meaning friends or relatives to tell me how lucky I am to have JBB and that I should be satisfied with our success (if you are looking for a really great article about what to say and what not to say to someone who is experiencing infertility – go here).  I absolutely 100% realise how lucky that I am and since I am his mother, I want the best for him and I want him to have a sibling to go through life with.  I don’t think that it’s too much to ask for our son to grow up with a sibling.  I will do as much as I possibly can to make this happen (which is why I will continue to walk in the concrete jungle and run in the rain and diet until I go).

Unless you’ve been through it, most people don’t understand just how much planning cycles, preparing for cycles, going through cycles and recovering from cycles infiltrates every part of your life.  From the moment I wake up in the morning to the time I go to bed at night – every decision that I make is considered with the cycle in mind.  Even something so simple as getting the timing of medications, supplements and Chinese herbs right takes a good plan to make sure that there are no contraindications etc.

I know that I am just having a down day, I know that I am lucky and that many others are still battling in the trenches without any success.  I know that I am a big whinger.  I will not be angry if you have skipped over this post – there is only so much whinging anyone can take.

There is no possibility of a time warp, right - seriously, I feel as if time is going in super slow motion right now.  I usually would never say this but I really wish it would speed up a bit.

I am sure that the sun will come out tomorrow – right?!?!?

Trust

I am slightly panicked at the moment.  As you know, I started the pill and clexane a couple of weeks ago so I feel like the cycle has started but then of course, I have been having breakthrough bleeding for the past week, along with pretty bad cramps..  It is not even just a little bit of spotting, it is actually a lot (sorry TMI).  I don’t think that it matters in terms of the cycle, I mean, the thinner the lining when I start the Progynova the better, right.  It is just an inkling that my body is not responding as it should be to the drugs.

I am always trying to be positive about my body but years of hatred of it has left some very bad habits.  I need to trust myself and trust my body that it knows what to do.  The weird thing is that it’s not as if I haven’t been pregnant before.  This is a bit of a revelation because after the last two failed cycles, I seem to have transported myself back in time to when I had never been pregnant, never seen those two lines on the test, not carried a baby full term.  It is weird that something that was so profound and meaningful in my life has been relegated to almost feeling like a dream, I mean how is that even possible?  I seem to be so desperate to find the bad in myself that I have forgotten that my body was there for me at the best time in my life. 

I got pregnant and it was a pretty uneventful pregnancy.  I was looked after well by my OB but the main thing is that my body did everything that it was supposed to do.  So how has all of that goodness been wiped away by a couple of failed cycles?  In many ways, I was so worried in the pregnancy that I didn’t even relate that JBB was in my body and when he was born, it was like I had never even carried him.  In my mind, I had even believed that my main contribution to JBB’s existence was the fact that I found the clinic.  How can this happen – I really just think that after a lifetime of blaming my body for the ills of my life that I went back to what I know.  I think that this is very sad but now that I am aware of it, I can make some steps to change.

Last night, JBB was pretty cranky so I had Thomas the Tank Engine on the TV and he was snuggled up to me and it was at that point I tapped in to how utterly grateful that I was able to carry him, to grow him from an embryo and to take care of him from the day he was transferred.  I think that this is a big breakthrough – I feel so much better about myself and way more confident that I can once again get pregnant and carry another child full term.  

Only seven and a half weeks until I fly to Thailand, I am ready to trust my body again, I am ready..

Just over 9 Weeks to Go!!

So, I am starting to get excited, there is only just over 9 weeks to go until I am off, once again, to Thailand.  I am definitely looking forward to it a lot more this time (than in December) because I will have my bestie there with me so it will be also a holiday as well as a cycle.

I am throwing everything I can at this cycle – and as per all of the other cycles that I have documented what I am doing, here I go again for cycle 9:

1. Still losing weight & exercising – I am booked in to do a 5km run on the 15^th of July.  Originally I wanted to do a 5km and a 10km but my knee has been a bit dodgy so I am erring on the side of caution.  My sister in law is doing the run with me – yay
2. Daily hot lemon – first thing in the morning as a stimulant for the liver and a detoxing agent
3. Daily internal bentonite clay – I know, this one is a bit out there but it is also for reducing toxicity in the body from the inside out – I feel like it works really well because it reduces headaches for me
4. Daily Supplement regime:  Magnesium, fish oil, pregnancy mulit, vitamin c, CoQ10, glucosamine, Vitex and a few more that I can’t remember right now
5. 2-3 Litres of water daily – to flush out my system
6. Skin brushing daily (yes, finally found the proper brush in the move – yay!!)
7. Twice daily Chinese herbs from my acupuncturist
8. Acupuncture once a week
9. Aromatherapy oils burning in the house when home (German chamomile, geranium, rose otto, lavender)
10. Indoor plants in the living areas of the house and air purifier in the bedroom for the breathing the best quality air
11. Yoga nightly (now that I have a nice warm room away from the hustle and bustle of the house, it is much easier!)
12. Epsom salt baths every second day
13. Castor Oil pack every second day
14. Body work (via some CD’s from ‘The Fertile Heart’) as well as some imaging work.
15. Visualisations / hypnosis and subliminals nightly

I am hoping that this all works and that this is the cycle for me.  One thing that I do know is that we have one embryo left that is exactly the same quality as JBB was so hopefully it is as tenacious as our little JBB and dig right in.

Melbourne is cold at the moment, very cold and I can’t wait for the heat and humidity of Thailand.  The warmth is very attractive!!

The official start of Cycle 9

So, I have kind of officially started cycle 9 – I am counting all fresh (7) and frozen (2) cycles in together for the sake of it and honestly, even a FET when you are going to Thailand for it feels pretty damn full on.  So, how do you ‘kind of’ start a cycle?  Well, my period was 10 days late so after an email discussion with the Thai doctor and a phone discussion with the Melbourne doctor, I started the BCP last week.  This, of course, means that I have also started the daily Clexane injections - joy. 

This is for much longer than the last few cycles and I am okay with it – after all, whatever it takes, right?

So, how do I feel now that this cycle has kind of already started?  I feel pretty good within myself.  I am doing everything in my power to lose weight and get my body right for the cycle.  I certainly feel very fit and my body definitely feels a lot stronger and fitter than I was for either of the last two failed cycles.

My mind is another matter though let me tell you that 90% of the time, I am upbeat, positive and excited about going to Thailand for the next cycle.  There is always a bit of an internal feeling of dread though.  For the most part, I am mostly focussing on the holiday aspect of going to Thailand and I am really looking forward to going in August and with my Bestie, it definitely feels more like a holiday break this time than a cycle (which was also the same as the cycle that we went and had JBB out of it!!).  

But sometimes when I turn really quickly, I can see the worm of dread coming up behind me, more like a basilisk of dread if the truth be told.  It is the fear of course.  The fear of the cycle not working again.  Of failure.  Of having to front up again and having my heart broken.  To tell all the people that are hoping along with me that it failed again, seeing the pity in their eyes.  Having to pick myself up again and get in for another go around.  Of ruining, what I hope will be a wonderful holiday with my Bestie with a failed cycle so that instead of saying ‘remember that grouse holiday that we took’ it will not be talked about because of the failure.

In some ways, I feel like most of my family and friends have kind of gotten used to it – the hope before the trip, the text messages while I am away, the return and the obligatory text message saying ‘it failed, I don’t want to talk about it’, me withdrawing from the world and then when I see everyone it’s a bit like ‘nobody mention the war’.  For me, the crushing disappointment does not change, it has been the same since the first cycle, though granted in that cycle there was a healthy dose of bewilderment and complete and utter shock at the fact that it was cancelled.  The shock of failure has lessened over time, certainly but the disappointment, the feeling of being broken, the devastation at failing everyone (especially JourneyMan and JBB) is as crippling as it was the very first cycle.

I hold steady in my belief that the 5 failed cycles that we endured before we had JBB were worth it because we had the child that was meant for us and he is wonderful.  I am sure that I will feel the same when we are hopefully successful again about the last 2 failed cycles but that, unfortunately, doesn’t make going through the failures any easier to bear.  The only thing that I can do is accept that there is going to be dread but I must not let it run my life or ruin the lead up to the trip. 

In other words, don’t look the basilisk in the eye. 

Another Step in the Journey…

When I named this blog, I predominantly hoped that the name could direct people to a  resource for anyone considering using donor eggs internationally or even just donor eggs.  The reason that I blog has always been as a catharsis and to document the journey but I really did hope that people who were in a similar situation could find information from someone who has lived it.  In my mind, I guess I thought that the ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would logically finish when we reached the finish line and had our baby.  But then when we had our darling JBB, I quickly realised that the journey would continue because we wanted him to have a sibling.  Then I kind of thought in my mind that once we had our family completed that our ‘Donor Eggs Journey’ would be over.  I don’t think that is the case now.

I wrote some posts back when JBB was only a few months old.  I remember feeling uncomfortable at the time because I didn’t have any prepared answers for people enquiring about where JBB got his looks from.  I was feeling swirls of feelings that I am sure where in part being overwhelmed as a new mother (which I am sure any new mother can relate to) and being the mother of a donor egg baby and the different feelings and situations that come up as a result of that fact.

At the time, I thought that these feelings and situations were something that I needed to ‘get over’ and I would move on and continue the bliss of being JBB Mum.  More than a year later, I have realised that this Donor Eggs Journey will continue for all of our lives.  For the most part, we deal with anything that normal parents deal with:  joyful hugs, being our son’s hero’s, sleepless nights, teething, the terrible two’s and the myriad of things that are a part of any parents daily life but there are things that make our Journey special.  

We need to think of other things like how do we begin the discussion of telling JBB how he came into this world?  I have a folder of JBB’s journey that includes pictures of him as a blastocyst, pics of the donor and him, pics of the donor, information about the donor and information on how he can contact the donor.  We always need to consider the information that we give to people and what effect that it will have on JBB in the future.  JourneyMan has said that he doesn’t like to say how much JBB looks like him because I can never have that experience and he doesn’t want to rub it in to me, this is something that most Dad’s don’t have to think about.

Early on, despite being totally in love and bonded with my little cheekiness, there were times when I wondered if JBB would resent how he was brought into the world, that he would end up hating me because of the decisions that we made.  I also had some feelings that I wasn’t really JBB’s mother because he didn’t have my genetic material.  The concerns that I felt about not totally feeling like JBB’s mother have faded away entirely.  Who else is his mother if not me?  This feeling did not happen over night, there were events that have affected how I feel.  Meeting the donor again and seeing JBB with him made me realise that she is stranger to JBB, albeit a most generous, amazing one!  Of course, I also consider her a vital part of the ‘creation team’ that made JBB.  I am not particularly religious, but I think of the JourneyMan, the Donor and myself in a circle, around us are the many doctors and alternative therapists that contributed to creating JBB and surrounding us is some higher power that enable the miracle of our son.  There is no mistaking he is exactly that.  I don’t why but it used to annoy me when my Dad used to repeat that JBB is ‘a miracle’ but it did.  I think because it highlighted to me that it was easy for everyone else but we needed ‘a miracle’.  It doesn’t bother me when he says it now, I wholeheartedly agree.  There is no mistaking that this little boy is a miracle, a gift from God and I am grateful every day that he came into our lives.

A beautiful moment that I have tucked away in my mind happened a few weeks ago.  Whenever I pick JBB up from day care these days he wants to show me things.  The car that he has been playing with, the friend that he has made, the toys that he has had fun with that day, some photo’s on the wall.  A couple of weeks ago, he took me around to all of the staff members, he pointed to me and said ‘my Mummy’.  Through the tears that pricked in my eyes, I said ‘yes sweetheart, that’s right, I am your Mummy’. 

The Move...

Well, we have moved but it really was a case of ‘the best laid plans…’.  

It all started on Wednesday night last week when I was just about to put JBB to bed.  JourneyMan wasn’t home yet and I had kept JBB up a little later so that he could see his Dad before he went to bed.  Before I knew what was happening, JBB had climbed onto the kitchen bar stool and had fallen off it flat on his back and I heard his head whack onto the floorboards, it was sickening.

He started screaming immediately and I gathered him up to soothe him when I felt that the back of his head had already swelled up as big as a fist.  I was beside myself, I felt like a terrible, neglectful mother.  I called the ‘nurses on call’ phone line and they recommended that I take him to emergency because of the height that he fell from.

4 and a half hours later, we finally made it home with our little monkey who they declared probably had a bit of a headache but was okay otherwise.  I only got about 3 hours of sleep that night and we were already seriously behind in our packing.

On Friday, the day of the big move, we were up at 5am packing and getting everything ready – we were not really ready at all for the removalists to come, we still had mega amounts to fix.  I was already tired when the removalists came but we all had to soldier on.  Let me tell you a little about Friday.  It rained. A lot.  In fact, we got a months worth of rain in the one day.  This did not make the move go any easier.

I also critically misjudged the amount of work that this move was going to take and really when I look back, the last move that I planned was only my stuff from a one bedroom place.  Now our stuff has tripled (and then some!) and it took way longer.  The heating wasn’t working at the new house and honestly, it was soooo freezing.

Thankfully by the afternoon, the heating was fixed and JBB and JourneyDog had arrived to lend their hands to the move.  Well, honestly – their reactions to the new house made all the work worthwhile.  They ran and ran, laughing and barking and both were just delighted at the space that they now had to explore.  It made me sigh with relief, I would have been very upset if they didn’t take to it the way that they have.

It was not a perfect move.  We spent the rest of Saturday and Sunday cleaning the old place and readying it for the new tenant so the new house is a bit of a debacle.  So, I am going to have to take small steps at a time but I swear to you all that this house will be nice and organised and absolutely, 100% baby ready in the next few weeks.  

It is funny but I was saying to my bestie that I had previously had doubts about how I could handle another baby in the house.  I don’t feel that way any more.  I feel like I can now handle whatever comes my way.  I may wail for awhile, or procrastinate or get upset or want to throw my toys from the cot but as always, I will pick myself up, dust myself off and get busy being the best mum, wife, sister, daughter, niece and friend that I can be!!

The house is a mess, and I am bloody exhausted but I am very excited about what the future holds!

Letting go…..

We have been in our little house for nearly 6 years – I am staggered by that!  Now we are packing up six years of memories.  Before we moved in to this house, we weren’t married or even engaged, I had never even lived with a man before.  We weren’t infertile, we didn’t even know what a cycle was, we weren’t parents.  We didn’t have our darling JBB, we didn’t even have our little JourneyDog of Wool.  I was a different person then. 

It is nice that we feel the need to move because we became a family and our family has become too big for our house.  There were times in the journey that I didn’t think that this would ever happen.  I sometimes think that there are memories that I would like to forget, such as howling in pain after I went to egg pick up and there were no eggs but would I enjoy being JBB’s Mum so much if I didn’t have that memory?  Would I delight in the fact that every day he says ‘Mummy’ over and over again – I assure you, I never get sick of it.  

We’ve danced in that house, we’ve loved in that house, we’ve grieved in that house but most of all, we have lived.  We live a pretty quiet life.  We have friends that we see, we have family that we celebrate and commiserate with. We work, we play and we rest. Mostly, we have each other.  My life is filled with love and if I have had some grief along the way, it is a small price to pay for the amazing love that I have in my life.

For the past few months, I have been doing a lot of questioning.  Why is it so hard for me and not others?  Why, out of all my siblings, did I seem to get the defective bits?  Why do I even want another child, why can’t I be satisfied with one?  Why, why, why?  Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve stopped questioning why, because really, what the hell does it matter?  I feel good that I let myself question and rail against the answers because I feel like I have a modicum of peace.  

We are clearing a lot out as we move – I love a good purge of stuff, it feels great.  I will take the memories with me, though - the good, the bad, the joyful and the sad – they’ve made me who I am and now I look toward our new house.  A house that has space for our family to expand once again.  I am really ready for this next cycle.  My arms, my mind and heart are open wide.