Finally some good news

Yes, the liver tests that I had come up all clear.  It hasn't cleared the itching but at least I am no longer (too much!) fearful for Boo2.  I am very thankful that these tests came up fine, I have relaxed a little bit again (a very small bit).

That being said.  I had a breakdown on Monday.  I think what caused it was plain old panic.  Panic about the baby, panic that I am not going to be able to handle both kids, panic about the Ceasar.  I am not really sure if this is really the truth but I was definitely in a panic because the prior week had felt like a year and that I still had 4 weeks to go and I didn't know how I was going to get through.

There was an element of emotional exhaustion here too.  I have been worried about Boo2 from day 1.  Certainly even prior to day 1 - here was our last chance to provide a full blood sibling for JBB and the worry that we would have to go back for a full fresh cycle with a new donor was not a prospect that we wanted to think too much about.  Add on my Dad's death and grieving through the whole pregnancy, I think I am just exhausted from it all.

I was also plain afraid that my body would let me down, that I wasn't providing a safe place for Boo2 to grow and flourish.  I want to see his face, I want to hold him in my arms and watch him breathe safely and assuredly, I want to know that he is safe.

I know that a lot of this was also hormones but I just couldn't stop crying.  I disturbed JourneyMan many times at work and finally I got on to my sister and went over there for lunch.  Just to talk about everything out loud helped.  There wasn't really anything anyone could say that would help, I just needed to get the words out of me so that I could move past them.

Yesterday, JBB and I spent a lovely day at the beach with my older sister and her 3 boys, my younger sister and her son and my Mum.  Just having the supportive company that they bring and seeing JBB laughing and having a ball helped wash away anxiety.  I am still worried, I am still fearful but I am now, at least, not panicking so much that I am crying.

Over the past 24 hours, I have re-read quite a bit of my blog of the last days of being pregnant (I had SOOO much more energy last time!!) and the first months of JBB's life - it has been good to read that I was also fearful then and that I came through.  At least I feel a little bit more confident in my parenting abilities this time.

Pregnancy wise, I think I have actually dropped, my younger sister noticed and made the comment yesterday too.  I don't know if this means that Boo2 is on his way but it is another milestone (I can't actually remember this happening with JBB) and I am very glad of it.

Another Complication

So, I have now it looks like I have obstetric cohlestasis which is a disfunction of the liver due to the plethora of hormones in the body during pregnancy.  Apparently the body dumps bile salts into the blood stream and this can cause unbearable itching and dangers to the placenta and baby.  It hasn't been confirmed 100% at this point but I have been put on the medication as a precaution.  Let me tell you, the itching is absolutely unbearable but even worse is the thought that this could be affecting Boo2.  I have gone back to the early days of out and out panic.  

It seems that the main risk to the baby occurs if the baby goes to term - one of the treatment protocols for this cohlestasis is to deliver the baby before 38 weeks so it looks like the Ceasar date will be brought forward. 

I feel absolutely paralysed by fear at the moment and the thought that I still need to wait until Thursday to see the doctor again (my OB is away at the moment so I am seeing the fill in Doc who I like very much but I need my OB, I trust him and his judgement implicitly).  Every day is an eternity right now and whilst I can feel Boo2 kicking, I feel good - if he goes to sleep for too long and I haven't felt him kicking for awhile, I start to panic.  Thankfully I still have the heart rate doppler and check that he is okay.

My biggest fear at the moment is that the baby may be better off out of my body rather than in - the odds of seeing him happy and healthy seem to be diminishing before my eyes.  I don't want to let him down, I want him to keep cooking away in safety but I am in doubt that I am providing that safe environment for him any more.  I don't want to fail him, JBB and JourneyMan.

One day at a time, I guess.  I am praying that my little boy will be okay.

A lot going on...

So, there has been a huge amount of changes here in the last couple of weeks!  I am going to have to break things up so that I can get all of the info out.

Boo2's Room

A couple of weeks ago, my Mum and older sister came over and helped me to blitz Boo2's room.  We got all of JBB's old clothes out, sorted through all of the them, washed (well my Mum did about 6 loads of washing for me) all of them including wraps, blankets, sheets, towels and everything.  They moved all the furniture around so that the room is now a proper nursery.  We still have a few things to do, like sand and varnish a chest of drawers and sand and paint the cradle but that's about it then put all the clothes and everything else away and it is done - yay!!  I at least feel that now, Boo2 will have somewhere to sleep and some clothes to wear if he makes his appearance early so that is comforting.  I do have to get a few things for my hospital bag but that is also getting there.

'Babymoon'

The weekend before Easter, JourneyMan and I had a mini baby moon - we stayed the night at a hotel in the city and spent some nice time together.  We dropped off JBB to my Mum's place at around lunch time so that he could have his afternoon sleep over there and headed in to the city to enjoy each others company.  We were in a lovely hotel overlooking the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground), both of us love the footy so this was nice.  When we checked in, we were the epitome of tired parents.  We were both like 'should we go for a walk and see something?' but the answer was 'no we've lived in this town for our whole lives' and both proceeded to have an afternoon sleep.  Oh dear.  We went to see a movie at Gold Class (Silver Linings Playbook) in the evening which was really lovely.  It was nice to have a date night together and spend time talking and laughing.  Unfortunately the next day I woke up with a headache so didn't get as good a sleep in as I was hoping but it was still nice to relax and read.  We had booked in to have traditional afternoon tea at the Windsor which is a Melbourne institution - it was absolutely delicious but I was still feeling very ordinary and by the time we left, I was feeling really terrible.  It was a shame to end on this note but it was nice to pick up JBB and JourneyDog who is Woolly because I had really missed them, even though it was only a night away.

Finishing Work

Last week was my last week of work.  Originally, I was supposed to work another week or so but they stuffed up my contract and I thought it would be nice to finish a bit earlier and spend some good quality time with JBB.  The last week of work was quite stressful and it wasn't, I had to hand over all of my duties to a person who needed a lot of hand holding which made things trickier than they needed to be. It was surreal finishing up on Thursday last week.  The main thought that I had was that I would seriously miss working with my Bestie.  We had only been working together for two years but we had so much fun and it was really nice to have a genuine friend at work and a friend who I could discuss work with and they knew exactly what I was talking about.  I am hoping to go back to the same team and company in around 6 months so we still might get to work together but you never know, it has just been great fun working together - I will miss it.

Bestie Results are In

Speaking of my Bestie, on Thursday she found out the results of her lumpectomy - NEGATIVE!!!  What a relief for her and her family!!!  What a relief for me, I am SOOOOO happy for her and I am happy to report that she is super duper happy and back to herself again which is good news.  For her, it has been 3 long months of uncertainty and waiting and I am so glad that she can now get on with her life (and new love!!) - so exciting.

JBB

Is going well though he is well into the the 'terrible' twos and have had many tantrums to deal with.  The roller coaster ride of a toddler is amazing to behold.  One minute he is lying on the floor screaming and pounding in frustration and the next minute he is cuddled up with me on the couch, touching my face and telling me that he loves me.  He is a really smart kid, his speech has come along amazingly in the last 6 weeks and most of the time we have a ball of a time.  He does, of course, love to push the boundaries but he is learning, growing and changing so much every day, it is just a lot of fun.  I think that he is going to be a great big brother and he seems to be genuinely getting excited to meet his little brother.   We are going through a very big 'mine' stage at the moment though and everything that is brought out for Boo2, he is claiming as his - uh oh!!  I do worry sometimes about the after effects of the  Kawasaki disease but so far he has shown no ill effects and I hope that it continues.  I have read recently that they have isolated a gene that is related to Kawasaki disease so we will need to keep and close eye on Boo2 as well.  JBB hasn't toilet trained as yet, I just don't feel he is ready, he doesn't seem to know when the wee is coming.  I am not stressed about it, I am a big believer in letting a child dictate his readiness.

Pregnancy - 32 week growth scan

So, we had a growth scan at 32 weeks that was a little confusing.  This scan was hugely important because it would highlight if the two vessel cord was causing any problems in Boo2's growth.  On the day of the scan, the clinic called me and said that their machine had broken down and could I attend a different clinic (with the same technician who had been handling our case from the beginning), I said yes, that was no worries.  When we were in at the clinic, we got mixed information about the scan.  They said that Boo2 was bang on the 50th percentile for weight, which is perfectly average - we were very happy but the technician did say that some of the measurements were around 2 week behind.  The doctor said that he would call me if there was an issue but I haven't received any calls so I am assuming that all is okay.  I do have an appointment with the OB this Thursday so will know more then.

Pregnancy - 33 weeks

It has been a pretty tough pregnancy, I do feel that pretty much every pregnancy symptom has come my way over the last 33 weeks, the latest being carpel tunnel syndrome and sciatica in my back.  As an infertile, I dreamed of the two pink lines wiping away my anxious, waiting and that I would enjoy being pregnant, watching my belly gently swelling as I relish every moment of pregnancy.  Unfortunately the reality of both pregnancies has been pretty much white knuckling it right through.  The worry is my worst symptom but I am definitely quite uncomfortable at the moment and I am looking forward to meeting this beautiful little boy growing inside me.  At least I know that it is all worth it.  I am really excited to meet Boo2, he already seems to have a different personality than JBB and I am excited to see what he looks like and what he is like as a little person.  Only 35 days to go, whoo hoo!!

New Baby

JBB has a new cousin, a little girl.  JourneyMan's sister had her last week and she is absolutely adorable.  I can't lie and say that I wasn't a little bit jealous that my sister in law had a girl and that there was a little part of me that grieved for a daughter of my own (not in place of Boo2 but in addition to) but it was only fleeting and holding her made me yearn to hold Boo2.  She is a really beautifully good baby, hardly crying, sleeping and eating well.  JBB was absolutely adorable with her as well, completely gentle, fascinated and couldn't wait to give her a kiss when he was holding her.  He makes me so proud, he is such a good boy.  Since we saw her, he has been talking about it to everyone he sees.  I can't wait to see him holding his brother, we are so lucky to have such exciting times ahead.

Easter

Happy Easter to all!  We had a super busy one here.  We had our maternity photo's taken on Good Friday morning.  I felt quite uncomfortable about them but hopefully there are some nice shots in there that are worthwhile.  I mainly want them for the newborn shots of the boys but am hoping there are some nice belly ones in there since this is the last time I will be pregnant.  We then made our way over to JourneyMan's sisters place way, way on the other side of the city and spent most of the rest of the day cooing over the new baby.  On Saturday, I took JBB to the market with me and then had to rest in the afternoon from the effort of it.  Sunday was a busy day, the Easter Bunny visited JBB and he hunted around for his eggs.  It made JourneyMan and I smile at how much fun he had looking.  We had brunch over at my older sister's house (JBB went crazy with his cousins) and it was the most amazing food.  JourneyMan took JBB to the footy and then I went to the footy in the afternoon (different game) with my Aunt.  Monday we went and spent some time with my bestie.  It was a really nice weekend but very busy, I haven't been sleeping so well so have been pretty exhausted.

First Day not Working

Today was my first day not working and we had a pretty productive day.  JBB helped me to make some stewed apples and some Thai chicken curry for dinner.  His Nanna (JourneyMan's mum) came over to have a play with JBB and some lunch with us which was really nice.  I got quite a bit of cleaning done and got to be with and play with JBB all day which was lovely.  He did have a bit of a meltdown but I think he was still very tired from his busy weekend.  He had a good afternoon sleep which was good because it allowed me to have one too.  It will be nice to spend the next 5 weeks with him before our lives change once again forever.

Foof, big update - you have done well to get this far!!!  Will hopefully check in more regularly from now on!!

Happiness….

I often wonder if going through our infertility journey has given us more of a propensity toward happiness than if we didn’t go through this journey.  Maybe it is that I am getting older and more mature or maybe it has been all what I learned over the past few years.  I am not really sure but I am definitely consistently more happier now than when I was younger. 

I used to be the person that would think ‘when I get the perfect job, I will be happy’, ‘when I lose weight, I will be happy’, ‘when I find the perfect man, I will be happy’.  Turns out, I didn’t actually need to find all these things to make me happy, what I needed to do was change what I thought of as ‘happiness’.  I have a good job and the fact that I get to spend time with my bestie when there makes me happy.  I am married to a man who is ‘perfect for me’ and daily I take great pleasure in laughing, crying, comforting and being comforted with this man.  I have lost and gained weight many times and even at my lowest weight, it didn’t change my life so I was happy 24/7 – though I do want to lose weight now, it is to be the healthiest and happiest me that I can be.  

It doesn’t mean to say that there are not times when I am sad, overwhelmed, angry or over it but there is heaps of happiness.  Of course, we are the lucky ones who have been successful in our quest to be parents and both JourneyMan and I are looking forward to a time when we can get down to the business of being the best parents of all time to the best kids in the world – without worrying about hormones and needles and cycles and all of the other many, many complimentary therapies that go hand in hand with our cycles.  It also won’t mean that by being parents these two little boys that we will be happy 24/7 – parenting is hard – it is tiring and testing but at the end of the day, it makes me very happy indeed.

Every night before I go to bed, I go into JBB’s room and tuck him into his doona and give him a kiss.  It is such a small thing but in that moment, every single night, I acknowledge how happy I am to be his mum.  It is my little prayer of gratitude that this little miracle was visited on us.  We are so lucky and we are about to be doubly blessed with another miracle in our lives.  Yes, it is a lot easier to be happier these days.

I wonder if I got pregnant really easily if I would take these beautiful miracles for granted.  I would hope not but I just don’t know – I really have changed over these past 6 years.  It’s funny.  When JBB was first born, my Dad always used to refer to him as our ‘little miracle’ and it kind of annoyed me – mainly I think because I felt it gave the impression that we didn’t really have any part in the creation of this miracle.  I know, I know – I don’t know what the heck I was thinking.  Now, I openly acknowledge that JBB and soon, Boo2’s presence in our lives is absolutely miraculous and that I need to be grateful for this fact. 

I think that was the main thing that I learnt on my last trip to Thailand for the Boo2 cycle with my bestie.  Gratitude.  I had always tried to be grateful for everything that I have but I don’t feel like I really got it down deep in my heart until that trip.  I would often pray to various higher powers asking for what I want but it wasn’t until then that I stopped asking for what I wanted and started being grateful for what I already had.  Gratitude is a powerful thing, so powerful that I have come up with a new equation in my life Gratitude = Happiness.  Also, to find and enjoy happiness wherever you can get it.  For me, it’s as simple as that. 

I have started to build castles in the sky about our future, what will we do with ‘the boys’, where we will take them, what we will teach them, what kind of people that they will turn out to be.  I take care not to plan too much because that is a big lesson that I have learnt, too much planning = expectations = disappointment.  

What I dream the most for my boys is that they will be happy.  I don’t care if they are doctors or brick layers or the Prime Minister or an office worker.  I don’t care if they are gay or straight or whatever – all I want for them is that, like their Mum – who is the luckiest person for being their Mum – they find that they are mostly happy in their lives.

The last time....

As this pregnancy draws to a close, it is becoming more and more apparent to me that this is the last time.  We know that we will not be doing any more cycles and not having any more children.  There is some part of me that is really, really sad about this fact but another part of me that is very relieved.  Relieved that the anguish of cycles are over and 

It's taken me a long time to admit but the only thing that I like about being pregnant is the feeling of connection to the child, feeling them move and kick inside me, knowing that I am already nurturing them.  For the rest of it (and this is a VERY hard thing for an infertile to admit), I find being pregnant very, very hard.  The fear, being uncomfortable most of the time, the physical cost that it takes, the recovery from the birth.  The one thing that I know at the end of this pregancy, it's absolutely worth it when I am holding the precious baby in my arms.

So, knowing that this is the last time that I will be pregnant, we have booked in to have some pregnancy and newborn shots done.  We didn't do this with JBB, I am not exactly sure why but I do suspect that it was to do with 'tempting fate' or just the fact that we had so much going on in the lead up to JBB being born - ie. renovating renovating our house.  I am really happy that we are doing it but am also really aprehensive.  I have never really been huge friends with my body and being in photo's when I am feeling pretty bad about my body is a bit daunting.  I know it will be really great for JBB and Boo2 to look at one day and I guess even I will look back and want to remember.

JBB has taken to talking about Boo2 more and more.  He has told us that he will share his toys (I hope so) with him and that there is a chair for Boo2 at his little table.  I talk to him quite a bit about what will happen when Boo2 comes along.  I want him to be as prepared as possible though I know that it is is going to be quite a shock for him too.

In weather news, it has finally broken.  It was lovely and cool last night and we all got a good night's sleep, thank goodness!!  It is still going to be warm during the days but some cool nights will really help matters!!

Exciting times ahead, only 2 more weeks of work to go - yay!!

Feeling hot, hot, hot....

We continue to swelter here in Melbourne.  It has been a record breaking summer and we are now sweating through the longest number of days over 30 degrees C in a row.  Seriously, I am absolutely over it.  It is Autumn now for crying out loud – the average normal temperature in March is 24 degrees – we have been averaging more than that for the minimum temperature and it has made for some very uncomfortable nights.

People are getting cranky because they are not getting sleep and I am no exception, I am absolutely exhausted from the heat and with my temp up from the pregnancy, any effort seems just too much right now.  Poor JBB is also having trouble sleeping at the moment which makes us all tired because he is a big cranky pants when he is tired.

JourneyMan went away for the weekend, over to Perth where his cousin got married.  I was supposed to go but with all the complications with the pregnancy we decided that caution was the name of the game at the moment.  I missed him mightily and I also realised just how much of the load that he takes from me while he is around.  He is a gem of a husband for sure.  I was soooo glad when he got home – it was tough without him.  JBB missed him too, he is a real Daddy’s boy – his Daddy is his hero, especially at the moment because I can’t do much physical playing with him (we do a lot of reading and chatting – I am the boring parent right now).

I had to call the OB on Saturday night because I have had a bit of gastro over the weekend as well as a headache that lasted a couple of days too.  I didn't think that there was much to worry about but I wanted to make sure anyway.  He was great as usual and I needed to check in the following morning and I felt a bit better.  He said that he has had so many calls because the heat is hurting the pregnant people right now.  He thought that I just had a bit of a virus, blech.

Apparently, there is a cool change coming at about 6pm tomorrow night but the following day it is due to be 27 and then the day after 28, though I suppose that is better than the 37 that we have going on today.  It is supposed to be a pretty cool weekend, that will be nice, I am not holding my breath though.

You're not my mother.....

During the first year of JBB’s life, I was terrified that one day when JBB was growing up that he would yell at me ‘You’re not my mother’.  As time has gone on the fear has left me about this.  Being a donor Mum brings some special issues to play and this has been one for me.

When we went for the fresh cycle for Boo2 in October 2011, we met the donor again.  It was a wonderful experience.  I didn’t know if I would recognise her because we had only met her once 2 years before but when she walked towards me, I saw so much of JBB in her, it was ridiculous to think that I wouldn’t recognise her.  We embraced and the feeling of gratitude that I had to this woman overwhelmed me.  When we sat down and she asked to hold JBB, I held my breath and questions ran non stop through my mind.  Would he have an instant connection to her because of the biological link?  Would he prefer her to me?  Would she want to take him?  The answer to all these questions were no.  He played nicely with her and then wanted to come back to me.  She loved him obviously did not consider that she was his mother (only the amazing women who helped bring him into the world).  That made me surer of myself.

When JBB got sick and was in hospital, I didn’t worry that I was his Mother anymore.  I was the one he wanted comfort from, I was the one who stayed up with him all night, I was the one who held him while the put the drip in and gave him treatments, I was the one who was so terrified that he would be taken away or his life changed forever.  At this point I realised that really, there was no-one else to lay claim to be his mother.

A few weeks ago, I was sitting with JBB and we were talking about how bubby Boo2 is in my tummy and was kicking me.  I showed him what it felt like on his tummy and he laughed.  He wants to talk about Bubby Boo2 all the time at the moment and yesterday he asked if he could go in to my tummy to see Bubby Boo2.  What a cutie.  I also told him about how he used to be connected to me from his belly button – I don’t think he quite got the concept but he was fascinated.  It also brought home to me the fact that I carried him in my body, he was connected to me, he still is and always will be.

After all this time, I am now not worried if one day JBB or Boo2 shout at me ‘you are not my mother’ because I know deep down into my bones, I am most certainly their mother.  I think what I was more afraid of was my reaction to this occurring because I didn’t know if I could handle it.  I am sure that it would hurt if they say something like that to me but I know I can handle it.  I am their mother.  I am happy to help them meet the donor in the future if that’s what they decide, I will do anything that will help them to know who they are and how they came into this world.  All I want for them in their lives is health and happiness.  My love for them has absolutely no bounds, they are the light of my lives.  After 6 years of struggle, pushing, grief and amazing, unadulterated happiness and joy – I am what I wanted to be.  A mother.

The Toll

Last year, one of my bosses told me that she is going through IVF.  She told me because she knew that she would have to duck off to appointments etc but little did she know that I had a very intimate knowledge of what she is going through.  They had just done their first fresh cycle and were waiting on the results.  She was very enthusiastic, she was sure that they would be successful on their first go and that she would be pregnant and going on maternity leave soon.  In my mind, I admired her enthusiasm and hope, it had been a lifetime since I had felt that way during a cycle but I also feared for her.  I had felt that cycle positivity myself too but changed over significantly over the years until I approached each new cycle with a mixture of fear and hope but I didn’t say anything because I hoped against hope that she would be one of the lucky ones that got pregnant straight away.

Fast forward to today and we were discussing her latest transfer failure.  Since that first fresh cycle, they have had 3 more frozen transfers pretty much back to back and unfortunately, they have all failed.  My heart hurt for her as I realised the change in her from when they started.  She had all the main hallmarks of an IVF battler – withdrawing from friends, anger over what was happening, not wanting to go to baby showers, feeling guilty over jealous feelings, bewilderment that this is their lot.  For my part, I also felt a bit of survivor guilt.  I am proud of how we persisted and got to where we are now, hopefully completing our family soon but I have been in her shoes and I know that they are hard to wear.  I felt terrible that my enormous belly was showing her that I was at the end of the journey and she has still yet to experience any success.

We discussed how very few people know how to deal with the situation in a constructive, supportive way – most people resort to platitudes ‘it will happen when it is meant to’, ‘think positive, it will all work out’, ‘you just need to relax’ etc, etc.  She told me that someone had said that she needed to buy some sexy new lingerie and that will help – seriously, that is a new one that I just had to share, my goodness, can you be any dumber!??!?!?  I also realised that it doesn’t stop once you have had a baby, people will then start to say things like, ‘I heard this story about so and so who had a baby via IVF and then found out that she was pregnant naturally’ and the worst part of people saying that was that I really wanted to believe it.  Now I have also realised that people still want to say stuff ‘it wasn’t really that bad, after all you have your family now, you are a big success story’.  Yes, I absolutely feel lucky but JourneyMan and I were talking the other day and we realised that we had spent the last 6 years of our lives to get here, our finances have suffered significantly, many parts of our lives have been put on hold and the emotional and physical toll has been great.  I feel very lucky to have our family but I think I also want a little acknowledgement that we also contributed significantly to making our own luck.  We thought outside of the square and did things that many others are not willing to do.  I feel proud of us and I suppose that is the real acknowledgment that I need.

Hard to Admit Fears....

Now that we have reached the point where there is a 90% chance that Boo2 will survive if born (and of course, these stats are getting better every day) I have started to think about actually having this baby and what comes after.  Him being the second, there are things that I know this time that I didn’t know with JBB.

I am a bit afraid of the Ceasar this time – not for the Ceasar itself but because of the spinal block.  When I had JBB and they were putting in the spinal block, I had some very painful nerve twitches that went from my back right down to my feet.  I started crying when they were putting in the spinal block and had a hard time stopping (poor JourneyMan couldn’t understand why I was sobbing as they wheeled me back in to the operating room – I had a hard time explaining because by that time, I wasn’t sobbing from the pain, I was sobbing from relief – relief that I was finally going to see my baby, relief that I had made it through).  By the time I had controlled myself, there was barely a moment until I heard my darling JBB’s voice for the first time and I lost it again, I was literally enveloped in relief and joy.  When they brought him to me and he was cleaned off in front of me, the images of those moments are burned in my mind forever.  Sometimes I am jarred when I see him each day because he is also that little baby that I see getting cleaned off in front of me.  It is not a big fear, I know I have to do it because there is no other way to meet Boo2.  It’s hard to admit though because I want to meet this little guy more than anything (not until the 7^th of May though!!) and I would rather not be fearful of that day either.

I am also a bit afraid of the recovery from the Ceasar whilst caring for a newborn and a toddler.  With JBB, I was in ignorant bliss about how hard those first months are but this time I am well aware of what is coming plus there is the additional element of caring for a very active toddler as well.  Thankfully, it looks like JourneyMan will be able to have 6 weeks off from work so that will get me past the Ceasar recovery and I am super, super thankful for that.  JourneyMan only had one day off last time because he had just started a new job so this will be such a precious, amazing time for our family.

There is some fear for JBB too, I know that this is going to be a really huge change for him and anything that upsets him is upsetting to me.  I know that he will benefit hugely throughout his life from having a sibling but I am sure that there will be some pain for him to go through once Boo2 arrives.  We are putting in as many plans that we can and the fact that JourneyMan will be there in those first weeks will be invaluable.  JBB is a really good kid though, he loves his baby cousin and I am hoping that he will love his brother even more so.

At the end of the day, I know that these fears will melt away when our darling boy comes into our lives and expands the love that we all have even further.  I know I will get through the Ceasar, I know that we will muddle through those first difficult weeks.  Sometimes you need to face a fear to get past it and move on.

Good news about Boo2 – he is growing well, my cervix is still nice and stable and I have also passed the Gestational Diabetes tests and all is going pretty well right now.  I am struggling with fatigue and a few aches and pains but people, we are less than 10 weeks to the Ceasar now and now it is becoming very real and super exciting!!

It Could Be Worse.....

There has been some talk in the IF blogosphere lately about the 'pain olympics' and it has been brought to my mind even more so because my bestie's tests were inconclusive and she now has to go through an operation so that they can remove whatever it is to make sure that it's not cancer.

I relate these two topics because many people have been saying to my bestie 'oh well, you're lucky it's not worse' or 'it could be worse' or things along those lines.  Both in the 'pain olympics' (where people compare how much pain they are in) and the 'it could be worse' comments, I feel that what people are really saying 'you don't have any right to be upset because there are people that are worse off than you'.  

This sentiment really shits me because anyone who has been in any situation that they have experienced pain should surely be able to experience that pain without having to qualify it.  I ask you, when someone has said to you 'it could be worse' when you have had a failed cycle but are 'lucky' that you have some frozen embryo's available, do you feel loved and supported?  Or in the 'pain olympics' does the fact that someone is worse off than you 'oh, she had to go through 10 cycles of IVF before being successful, you're lucky you only had to go through 6' make you feel so much better about your situation?  My guess would be NO because to my mind it is like saying to someone 'oh goodness, that person is on fire over there, lucky you might only have cancer'.  

Is it any wonder that people who experience IF or a terrible situation in their life can end up withdrawing from people or even from their own feelings because they feel that they don't have a right to feel upset, angry, worried or any of the other millions of feelings that they may be feeling.  If I had a situation like this in the future, I would like someone to say to me 'oh my gosh, that is just absolutely shitful, there is probably nothing that I can do to make you feel better right now but if you need to talk, I am always here to listen (without judgement or qualification)'. Isn't that so much nice than 'think yourself lucky, this person I know....' 

For you, Bestie - who has always listened and who I hope I always listen to.

A whole lotta stuff going on….

The last couple of weeks have been very busy indeed.  Here’s an update on what’s been going on:

Boo2

I have been to see the OB and he is not too worried.  He is so okay with my progress that he has booked in the Ceasar for 7 May – 38 weeks & 4 days which is pretty ambitious considering all of my risk factors but if that is what the Doc thinks, I am super happy and I will be ecstatic to get to the 7^th of May.  I did have another scan last week to check to see if the cervix had settled and it has – though the numbers were a little weird, I did speak to the doctor about the scan and he is very happy about it.

Boo2 has been very active these past couple of weeks.  Kicking like mad, he is still breech so most of the kicks are right down the bottom in the under regions, if you get my meaning.  With JBB he kicked quite a bit but this Boo2 seems to be a bit more active, also JBB never hurt with his kicking but I have had a few swift suck in breaths as a result of some kicks from Boo2.  I am happy every time that I feel him move, I am just so glad that he there, growing and moving.  I am very, very excited to meet this active little boy – not too soon, the 7^th of May is absolutely soon enough, little man!

The cramps seem to be a bit more under control, thank goodness.  Mostly, I have found that if they arrive and I can lie down pretty much straight away, they don’t progress to the stage where I can barely walk.  When I spoke to my doctor, the one thing that I was most worried about was that I would dismiss labour as a bad case of cramps – he has said that I must time them and if they last for a minute and are five minutes apart, to call him.  I know it sounds strange that I would ask this but I have never been in labour, I am not 100% sure that I would recognise it – I mean der!!  I have also been trying to rest with my feet up as much as humanly possible.  I have been experiencing quite a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, they don’t hurt, just something that I am aware of.

The other thing about this pregnancy is that I am absolutely huge.  I am retaining masses of fluid, the weather has been hot, hot, hot but that is summer in Australia, bloody hot.  We have been experiencing some cooler nights though just in the last week which has been nice.  In the afternoon and evening, I have absolutely burning hands and feet.  I hate to have anything on them and they have been so bad some days that I have gotten some ice bricks out of the freezer to hold in my hands to cool them and I can’t bear to have anything covering my hands and feet overnight – so I just have the doona over my middle – crazy!!  We still have a while to go of hot yet, it won’t really cool down for another month or so yet.

The other crazy thing that has been happening is that I have been having all sorts of crazy dreams – mainly of loved ones dying.  I keep waking up sobbing my eyes out.  I think I am doing a lot of working through my grief in my sleep.  I did have a dream about my Nanna and she was alive.  I talked to her and was with her for awhile but then she died again but when I woke up (crying) after the dream, even though it was still a really sad dream, I felt that my Nanna was with me and that Boo2 was being taken care of.  I haven’t been as worried since.

The Wedding

My younger sister got married on Friday night and it was the most wonderfully, beautiful night.  We had been dreaming of this day for her for a long, long time.  My Mum and I have been doing a lot of helping over the past weeks and it has been very busy but it was worth it – it was just fabulous.  The man that she has married is of Indian heritage so it was a lovely blend of Western and Hindu traditions.  We had some drama’s over the past month or so.  Originally, she had picked a dress for a garden wedding – this is because they were going to have a small, immediate family only wedding in October – they were hoping our Dad was going to be able to attend but when he died, they postponed it to a night wedding in February. She wanted to change her dress 3 weeks before the wedding day and when she originally called the bridal shop they said it was okay because they thought she was talking about next year.  By the time that we all realised the error, she was only able to pick a couple of different dresses.  Honestly, she is the only person I know who could go to a shop and all of the sample sizes fit her so thankfully, she had some options (if it was me, there would have been a snowballs chance in hell).  In the end, she got the most beautiful dress – she looked like a movie star.  

It was a lovely night but I couldn’t help but be in tears for much of it.  When my brother walked her down the aisle, I couldn’t help but think of my Dad and how much he would have wanted to be there, giving her away (my brother was amazing though).  There were beautiful tributes to Dad all night and I can’t even think about it without tears streaming down my face (as they are right now).  I am pretty sure that Dad was with us there on Friday night and I know that he would be over the moon happy for my sister.

That being said, there has been a super amount of work  that has gone into the wedding and I am glad that it is now over and I can concentrate what little energy that I have on getting ready for our little Boo2.  We were lucky enough to stay at the hotel the night of the wedding and JBB went with his Nanna after the ceremony so he could be in bed as close to his bedtime as possible.  JourneyMan and I had a lovely sleep in on Saturday morning and enjoyed breakfast with the Newlyweds (and a gang of others) before they flew out to Hawaii.  On Saturday, I slept from 10pm to 10am I was so exhausted and Sunday was a lovely family day, JourneyMan took JBB for his swimming lessons on Sunday morning and we all went to the park in the afternoon.  I am just soooo happy for my sister, she has all she has wished for in her life, a wonderful man and a gorgeous baby, it is just so amazing to see her so happy.

 

My Bestie

The other thing that has happened is that my bestie has found a lump in her breast.  I did know that she was going for the test but she didn’t tell me that they found something in January.  Her Mum has had both breasts removed because of cancer.  I am shocked, upset and worried but am trying to not look at any possibilities (except that it’s nothing) until there is something to be worried about.  This is my person, the one who has known me for the longest (apart from my family) and I just don’t want anything to happen to her.  At the moment, I am just trying to be there for her at this super scary time.  I am praying that she will get the best news possible on Thursday and all of the worry and uncertainty will be taken away from her.