The Best Friendly Cycle

There have been some developments over the past few weeks, good and bad. First with the good news. My best mate is coming to Thailand with me whilst I am having the Thailand 2.2 cycle. I am really happy about this because last time I was pretty lonely. It was pretty tough being away from everyone and it will be heart wrenching to be away from Journeyman and JBB but at least I will have my lovely Bestie to chat with. We have travelled together many times. We have been to Bali a few times, worked together in London and travelled through the UK, we hiked up to Everest base camp in Nepal, we have been many places in Australia and have been to Cambodia and Thailand. I love traveling with her, we can sit by the pool for 5 hours and still not have enough time to talk about everything that we want to. She is also the person (apart from Journeyman) who understands and supports our journey completely, despite the fact that she doesn't want kids, she has never told me to shut the hell up about all the infertility talk. She is totally on my side and people like that are rare. She is a jewell in my life and I am super happy that she is coming with me. She knows all what the cycle entails and she is coming to the clinic with me as well, bless her! Thankfully there are a bazillion shops within walking distance of the clinic so when I am in the transfer for 3 hours, she can have a nice wander around and shop to her hearts content. It also makes it more of a holiday than a cycle which is nice and because we also work together, we can talk about it at work too, big yayers, it makes it all a bit more exciting. So that was the good news. The bad news is that I got the results of the battery of blood and urine tests that I've had recently and I got the results, some of which was very good, blood sugar is great (which is good because my mum has type 2 diabetes) and my one kidney is working gangbusters, which is fabulous. The bad news is that I tested positive for anti thyroid anti bodies and my FSH is 37 and am now classed as peri menopausal. I know that the FSH thing doesn't really affect the cycle because we are using donor eggs but I feel quite saddened by these results. I also have very low progesterone. I'm still trying to get my head around all of these things and I need to email the Thai clinic to let them know all of this. I'm just hoping that we can deal it and help the cycle to still be successful. All of this has resulted in my going of the rails eating, exercise and motivation wise and I need to claw my way back. I definitely will but I now already feel like time is running short to the cycle to make significant changes, less than 16 weeks to go. Pray for me to get my act together okay and if you have any anti thyroid antibody solutions or low progesterone suggestions, I would really appreciate it!

120 Days

My Dear Sweet JourneyBaby(s) to be,

I think of you every day.  I am trying absolutely everything in my power to get my body ready to receive you in. 

We have a great life and we are ready for you to bless us with your presence. 

Your Daddy wants to hug and kiss you and chase the monsters away for you.  He is a good Dad and he loves to play, read stories and go to the park!!  He will go to the ends of the earth to protect you and take it from me, there is no better comfort than a hug from your Dad.

Your brother loves babies, even a little baby he sees on the street, he wants to go and see.  He is a pretty considered fellow but once he has sized you up and you meet his approval, you will be protected for life.

JourneyDog will also protect you, he too will need a litte time to size you up but once he realises that you are his people, he will lay out any big or small dog that comes close to you.  He is also willing to clean up any food that you may drop on the floor, he's just that kind of dog.

There is something that we need from you, our little dear one.  We need you to be tenacious, we need you to (at the right time) grab on and not let go.  We need you to not give up.  I will provide as many nutrients as you can possibly want but you need to grab on and grow and grow and grow.

We are ready for the love in our family to once again expand exponetially and embrace you.  You are already loved.  You are already the most wanted child on earth.  You are already precious to us. 

My darling, I see you in my dreams.  I already hold you and sing my made up silly songs to make you laugh, to sooth you when you are upset and to send you off to sleep.  I want to be your soft place to land.  I want to be your anchor, your support.  I will wipe away your tears when you cry, I will gladly get up in the middle of the night to feed you or to soothe your fears.  I will nurse you when you are sick. 

Over the next 120 days, I will leave to go to Thailand and we will be together.  Over the next 120 days, I promise to do everything in my power to ensure that you have the most perfect place to grow.  Over the next 120 days, I will count down every moment and saturate every thought with the hope that you will come to your family.

I love you already.  I have loved you for years.  You are in my heart.

Lots of love,

Your Mummy to Be 

ANZAC Day

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.

Lest we forget...                         Laurence Binyon

ANZAC - it stands for Australian New Zealand Army Corps. ANZAC Day is the day that we as Australians (and our brothers and sister in New Zealand) reflect on the people who have given the ultimate sacrifice for our country and to acknowledge and thank those who are still serving.

I live in a lucky country and I am proud to be Australian.  Thank you to all of those who have given their lives four our wonderfully beautiful country and thank you to all of those who are still overseas serving - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your families for your safe return.

Infertility: The Middle of Nowhere

I have a confession that I have never admitted even to myself.  In the past I have thought about taking my own life.  Mostly it was when I was younger and I hope that it was never really serious but definitely those thoughts were in my mind.  I specifically remember a time when I was living on my own, I was still drinking, so the shame / drinking spiral was getting tighter and tighter.  I was having an affair with a married man, I despised myself my bestie was overseas, I felt desolately alone.  I was mixing alcohol and sleeping pills at that time and remember being kind of worried about what I was doing but also kind of daring it to happen too.

It is 15 years from that time, I have almost 10 years alcohol free and I have a fantastic life, I am a completely different person, for the most part, I like who I am now.  I have amazing people around me.  I have a wonderful husband, the most gorgeous, hard won, precious child in the world, an amazing family and brilliant friends and yet sometimes the journey through infertility reverberates with those same  miserable feelings of isolation.  It is a different kind of isolation and I have heard many ways to describe it and I think that the one that resonates most with me is living behind a glass wall.  For me, the glass wall represents understanding.  In my real life, people don't get it.  They don't get that it this journey permeates every part of my life, every decision I make.  It dominates my thoughts and rules over our whole lives.  The wall is so high that I can't see what life would be like without it there, I have hope that I will recover but wounds that cause a person to howl with sadness are slow to heal - thinking about days of negative cycles, negative prognosis and negative outlooks still cause my heart to hurt even now.

I am not saying that I contemplate taking my own life now, wouldn't because I think it is a selfish thing to do - especially to the people that love, trust and depend on me.  I do, however, understand how people could move down this path if their IF journey progressed a certain way - things like turning away as a couple rather than seeking comfort from each other, not having a supportive group around them or even not having a blog world full of sisters who are there to hold your hand (virtually), provide feedback and basically to help you feel like you are not alone in this gut wrenching journey that hits at the very heart of what makes you a woman.

Sometimes I feel like I have had enough challenges in my life and wonder if I can take any more. Even finding out today that I am perimenopausal at 40 was a blow but most times I feel like the challenges that I have had in the past have provided me with the tools that I use to deal with this journey.  If I wasn't a recovering alcoholic, would I still have hope that I would recover one day from these years in the trenches?  If I didn't learn how to self assess my behaviours, would I be able to pass on these very necessary skills to my son to deal with life?

I would like to dedicate this post to the many, many sisters that I have gained on this journey.  If it wasn't for the inspirational, courageous words that I have read on posts or comments, the feelings of isolation that I have felt on this journey would be intensified exponetially.  Just knowing that you girls are out there reading, understanding, holding my hand makes the days easier.  A special shout out to my friend Lifeslurper who pushed me into starting my blog and telling me (very firmly I might add) to connect with the community over at Stirrup Queens, thank you - you changed my life.  To everyone else, your words change my life every day.  Thank you.

Still (slightly) Irked by the Fertiles

Another incident happened recently with my sister over Easter. We had pancakes, eggs and bacon for brunch, along with fruit smoothies, a fresh fruit platter and of course, Easter eggs – it was really yummy but I am getting sidetracked!! I was cooking the eggs on the barbie when my sister (who is pregnant) said to me ‘my acupuncturist said to me that you eat eggs to get eggs’. In my mind, I am having an indignant conversation with myself ‘firstly, my acupuncturist also said that to me but HELLO we gave up on my dried up, non-responding, bad quality, no quantity eggs years ago, that is why my son doesn’t look like me and why instead of just being able to spend an enjoyable Saturday night with my husband and *poof* 9 months later we have a sibling for our son, I will be heading off to Thailand for the 3rd time in 12 months in August to use our final frozen embryo’s to see if we can get this poor kid a brother or a sister or if we have to save up the equivalent of the GDP of a small nation to have another fresh cycle with a different donor and thus scarpering a dream of a full blood sibling for our son!!’ what I actually said out loud was ‘yes, and pomegranate is also good as it is a symbol for fertility in Feng Shui I believe’. I’m not mad at her, I just put it down to the fact that there are very few people that fully understand the situation (and also maybe a bit of preggo brain!!).

I find it a little bit amusing that family and friends still like to give me fertility tips. The fact that they do makes me think that they don’t know me at all. I mean, I am a serious researcher. There is not much that I haven’t researched in relation to my fertility. Honestly, you name it and I have done research on it and not only in the last few months, this has been going on for years and years. I still have access to the medical journal database that my old work has (because I still have friends there J) and continually are reviewing the latest findings (or looking at historical ones). Honestly, there is literally not a day that goes by that I haven’t looked up something to do with fertility – sad, but true.

Another small mildly related thing happened on the weekend. I was talking with two girlfriends (who both have boys who are 6 and 3 months older than JBB) about the racing car bed that we had bought for JBB. Both of them commented that they don’t want put their boys into a bed yet because they are both fairly rambunctious and they like having them contained at night!! Then I thought to myself – why did I decide to do it so early then!?!? It wasn’t actually that we decided to move JBB to the bed, it was just that we were readying the room for another child, so that we put out the ‘we are ready – bring forth the children’ vibes to the universe. Just mildly interesting in the fact that it is another thing my lovely fertile friends don’t need to worry about – lucky them.

19.5 Weeks to Go – Plan Update No 2

Confession time – I have had a very bad week on the plan, pretty much in every category. It seems that if anything out of the ordinary strikes, my whole plan falls apart so I am going to have to put some fail safes in place to pick myself up and get back on track straight away rather than let things run on and on like they have in the past week. I have promised myself that I will update each week regardless of the story (good news or bad news) so that is what I am doing *gulp* (hope this process is not too boring for you all to read!

Physical:

Weight Loss:

My weight is only down 300grams this week but I do actually consider this a big win because of Easter and the multitude of opportunities to indulge this week! Plus, it was a big loss last week so really anything this week was going to be a win.

Exercise:

3 X 30min Walk / Run sessions – I only had one run session for the week so I am looking to getting back to the 3 sessions this week, especially as it is only weeks until the 5km run – eeeek!
3 X Weights program at the gym – a shocking week for the gym, I was out all Wednesday for my besties birthday, it wasn’t open on Friday and we had brunch with my family on Sunday so all of my sessions were gone – I need a contingency for this.
Yoga daily – shocking week for the yoga – I didn’t do any – aaaaarrrrggggghhh!!
Walking – I only did one walk for the week as well so that was pretty pitiful, definitely have to pull up my socks this week as well.
No intervals on the spin bike – what!!?!? It is in the loungeroom, the only excuse here was laziness, definitely need to be better this week.

Detoxification:

Skin brushing daily – still a problem as I haven’t found where JBB has hidden it – doh!!
Clay bath – didn’t have one – need to book this in and stick to it – okay, I am going to make a big call and do it Wednesday night.
Castor oil pack – no pack’s this week, definitely need to do one tonight (Tuesday) and Thursday.
Clay foot bath – nope, didn’t do this either, will need to do this on Saturday or Sunday this week.
Naturopath liver detox powder – did well again with this during the week and over Easter had it once a day which is an improvement on last week but still needs some work.

Mind / Body Connection:

Imaging, Subliminals, hypnosis – only did this around 2 nights and I really have to do the imaging sitting up because I keep falling asleep if I am lying down
Mind Map – still haven’t done this one – am going to post pone it until after the tax is done, once the tax is done, this will be my project.
Make myself ready for another baby – I am feeling very ready for another baby – poor JBB has been put into the baby position many times this week, much to his annoyance – he’s no baby, he wants to be running around the house, not being rocked by his crazy mother!
Meditation – have not started this one yet – need to find some time to slot it into my day.
Relaxation time – I had a fab day out with my bestie for her 40th birthday last week, it was very nice to have a fun day out like we used to, very relaxing!!

Financial:

Bills paid on time – the bills are all caught up on and the new system seems to be working pretty well.
Taxes complete and up to date – my goal is to get these finished by Friday, then I can relax over the weekend, let’s hope that this will happen!!
Stay within budget – this still needs some work, JourneyMan and I need to find some time to sit down and discuss.

House:

Room ready for baby – we did actually go out this weekend to get a mattress for JBB’s bed but we ended up buying him a racing car bed – I know that this wasn’t in the budget but it was a joy to see him jump in it saying ‘car, car!!’ – I can’t wait for it to be delivered on Friday!
Bedded down routines for cleaning – shocking week for cleaning, the house is a bomb site – I have decided to start the Fly Lady 31 days of baby steps from today – wish me luck!
Bedded down routines for the cooking – not a great week for eating but I have done some good cooking for the week and we have lots of healthy food at our fingertips this week, yay!

Sleep:

Another pretty poor week of sleeping though I did get two sleep-in’s over the Easter weekend. JBB has still been waking up at 4am. This morning I checked on him and let him cry for awhile and he went back to sleep until 6am, a big win – hoping to consolidate some good habits into this little cheeky over the next week.

Expectations:

Moaning Myrna was a little louder this week – especially beating me up on my looks, I am trying to let her negative nelly speak pass me by but still some things hang on. I am hoping for a more positive week this week.

Overview:

Not the best of weeks this week but I am proud of the fact that I have updated despite everything not being perfect. I still lost weight which is fabulous and I am feeling very positive about a new baby which is all good. Here’s hoping for some good improvements this week too!!

Irked by the Fertiles

Some days I don't feel like I have dealt with the infertile in me all, some days the things that Fertiles say, no matter how innocuous, feel like they are stabbing my heart. I know that it is my own issue to deal with, I know that I should probably have gotten over it by now but just when I think my infertile heart has the armour to withstand the things people say, an arrow gets through.

During the week, I went to a doctor to get some blood tests done that the naturopath had recommended. I was in the waiting room and there was another woman in there is a couple of months old baby. She annoyed me right off the bat because she talked about everything in a loud voice for everyone to hear, I really don't like that, I like to keep myself to myself and don't want to be forced to listen to other people's issues. I heard all about their trip to Fiji and how the baby needed immunisations (and perhaps a boat considering the country is flooded right now - meee-ow!) I heard how her husband is away and she was having to get up to the baby and the toddler on her own at night. I could have also marked down when her next appointment with the doctor was, it was a 10 minute discussion to get the date correct. Then I found out that they had to 'hurry up and have their third baby very soon because the doctor was retiring'.

This was at the point in which I did a mental double take. I mean, doesn't she have to plan for a year to start trying, go back to work early, save up money, lose weight, remove all chemicals fro her life, go to counseling, see her acupuncturist each week, do yoga every day, do detox hydrotherapies every day, only eat organically, buy air purifiers, vitamin supplements, organic cotton sheets and pj's, have fertility tea every day, listen to subliminals, do hypnosis, they to get her whole family to send positive thoughts via elephant key rings, find time to meditate, do positive imaging exercises, make up a mind map and find a way to remove all stress. No, apparently all she needs to do is to get her husband to free up a day or two in the next month and she will be knocked up again and able to have her doctor of choice for her third pregnancy because God forbid, she wouldnt want to have to **gasp** find another doctor for her pregnancy, that would be way too hard.

Okay, whinge over, I'm off to have a clay bath.

20.5 Weeks to Go – Plan Update No 1

I had a very good week on the plan, I wasn’t perfect but I don’t expect to be – I am doing the best that I can. Here is a run down:

Physical:

Weight Loss:

Am down 3.8kg this week but that is mostly fluid from AF coming but also from some excellent eating and exercise – I am very proud of my work this week!!

Exercise:

• 3 X 30min Walk / Run sessions – I am on week 5 of the ‘Couch to 5km’ running plan – I was surprised that I could pick up where I had left off because I had a week off with my back being sore
• 3 X Weights program at the gym – another win for me on this front this week as I did all three sessions and felt pretty good afterwards, a bit stiff in the muscles but that is expected
• Yoga daily – this wasn’t as great – I think I only did 2 out of the 7 nights so I need to pick up my game on this one – I really like how the yoga makes me feel.
• Walking – did two walks with my bestie at lunch times this week so that was excellent. JourneyMan and I also did a 6km walk with JBB on Sunday and I have been making an effort to walk places rather than drive so another big success
• I also did 2 sessions of intervals on the home spin bike which was really good – I am hoping to raise this to 3 sessions next week

Detoxification:

• Skin brushing daily – this was a bit of a problem as I only did this once and JBB took the brush and has hidden it from me – need to do a good search of the house to find it and get this going again!!
• Clay bath – didn’t have one (forgot – whoops!!)
• Castor oil pack – did one pack which was good and wasn’t able to do anymore because AF came – will do two this week
• Clay foot bath – did this one – it is a pleasure and not as messy as the bath so happy with that!!
• Naturopath liver detox powder – was very good with this during the week having it twice a day but forgot a couple of times on the weekend, need to put some reminders in so I remember

Mind / Body Connection:

• Saw the psychologist last week and once again she helped me out with dealing with some issues and giving me tools with how to handle things – I feel like I only need a couple more sessions and then I can be left to my own devices – I can always go back if things go awry.
• Imaging, Subliminals, hypnosis – I have put the CD’s onto my phone and have done some imaging about 5 nights during the week so that was good
• Mind Map – haven’t done this one yet – JourneyMan and I will need to focus and get it done over Easter
• Make myself ready for another baby – well there is a proliferation of elephant keyrings in my world and every time, I look at them, I think of JBBS who has a face to me now. I had been thinking that if we had a boy, there would be some part of me that wanted to go again and try for a girl but yesterday, I felt the decision, two is enough – if we are blessed enough with two, regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl, I don’t mind – I will be happy and believe that we are absolutely blessed!!
• Meditation – have not started this one yet – need to find some time to slot it into my day.
• Relaxation time – I have a bath almost every day and that is my time to read a novel, I like that as my relaxation time. Plus the footy has started again, so that is also my time for myself – sometimes it is not relaxing but it is fun and that is the main thing!!

Financial:

• Bills paid on time – I have caught up on most of the bills – I have a couple to pay today and we are all up to date – I feel like I am starting to get a handle on this again now (thank goodness!!)
• Taxes complete and up to date – I have had to move my appointment with the accountant tomorrow to next week because there are some items that I still need to gather but I have made excellent progress in the past week so I am very happy about that.
• Stay within budget – this also needs some work, JBB and I are going to work on a budget over the Easter weekend for us to stick to!

House:

• Room ready for baby – still need to buy a mattress for the new bed for JBB & JBBS’s room – will do that over Easter
• Bedded down routines for cleaning – not a good start on this one, the house is a bit of a bomb site this week, I have joined flylady to see if she can help me out!
• Bedded down routines for the cooking – we had an excellent week of eating lovely home cooked food and only a couple of chicken and salad take-away days which was a good effort I think – this week is going to take some focus with Easter upon us – mmmmm chocolate!

Sleep:

• A very poor week sleeping wise because not only did we have JBB waking in the middle of the night, when daylight savings finished, he’s been waking up at 3:30-4am and will not go back to sleep for love nor money. We are trying some new things to get him down but I went to bed early which is really the best I can do at this point. JourneyMan and I will have to negotiate some sleep in’s over the Easter weekend.

Expectations:

• I have been great in this respect, doing what I can and letting negative thoughts go by without engaging with them. Moaning Myrna is still there but her voice is turned down right now which is good. I am aiming to keep her voice as white noise – I don’t need to listen to that chick’s crap.

Overview:

A very good start week – I am very proud of myself!! The new week has started a little shakily for me but I will pull myself together and get moving again!! Just writing this review of last week has made me realise that I need to put together a to do list for over Easter! Normally we go away at Easter to a country Victoria running race meeting, the Stawell Gift – it is the ‘richest footrace in Australia’ and draws athletes from around the world. It is beautiful there but this year we are staying in Melbourne because of course we are saving for another cycle, this is not the first time that this has happened but hopefully it might be the last time we miss for that reason (I don’t mind if we miss it next year because I am in the last trimester of a pregnancy!!).

Intersecting Moments

When I was at work last week, I happened upon a conversation that two women were having in the kitchen. They were taking about how people are always commenting on how her kids look like her. Cut to a day later and I was at my osteopath's and his twins (natural) were there and they are the living image of him. At JBB's day care, they have a book that they ask family questions each day and then put it up around the centre. The question then other day was 'where does your child come from, what is their heritage?' - in my mind I thought 'this could take awhile'. I wrote, with only a small hesitation, donor: Thailand, Mother: England, Ireland, Father: Ireland. Cut to my house that night and I hear the same word over and over again, mainly because JBB loves to say it but also because it is who I am, Mummy.

My feelings when heard the women in the kitchen at work were mostly a mere observation, as in 'oh, that will never be me'. The feeling when I was talking to my osteopath about how his kids look the image of him was really detached, it was a world away from my reactions of when I first heard or had conversations like these. It was a kind of grieving at first, I felt a loss that I am not sure was an actual loss or the loss of being more 'normal'. I feel good that I can hear, see and participate in these conversations without any feelings of sadness or loss. I feel good that I can let people know his heritage without feeling like I am 'wrong' in some way.

And really why would I? When I go home at night, I have the moments that I treasure. When I pick JBB up from day care, he comes running to me screaming 'Mummy, Mummy, Mummy'. I'm the person he goes to for comfort, we also share jokes and laugh all day. He says 'Mummy' all the time and it doesn't matter how many times he says it, I love it evey time. Every. Single. Time. Implicit in this word is everything that I wanted for so long. It makes me smile, it warms my heart and I am always, always grateful that this little miracle came into our lives.

Getting up off the mat....

So, I have spent the last few months feeling sorry for myself. Sorry that JBB got sick, sorry that my Dad has melanoma, sorry that the past two cycles have been negative, sorry that I am so tired, sorry that fertility treatments has meant that we can't buy a bigger house.

It has taken me awhile but I once again realise how lucky I am. Lucky that I have had so many quality years with my Dad. The past few years have been tough but we had a great childhood. Especially for the fact that my Dad worked from home, he was always a very visible presence in our lives. I am lucky that he got to walk me down the aisle, 12 months after that, he was barely able to walk. I am lucky that he has met our darling JBB - they have a touching relationship and really, he is probably closest to JBB of all his grandchildren (5 others). I think that this is because he basically is a captive audience when JBB is around there.

I realise that we are very lucky that we caught JBB's Kawasaki disease in time and were able to get him treatment before his heart was damaged. We are lucky that we have an excellent GP. We are lucky that we have a wonderful children's hospital in our city. We are lucky to still have him happy and healthy in our lives. Still, the fear of something happening to him has been slow to leave me but even that has been helpful, we are eating better, exercising and going outdoors more and reiterated how important this little cheeky is to us. On Sunday, as a family, we are doing a '5km fun walk' (Run for the Kids) that raises money for the hospital that JBB was in - we are so thankful for their great care of JBB.

I'm sorry that the past two cycles have been negative but I am starting to pick myself up from there. I have struggled to find where we are lucky in this but I think our luck comes in the form that we are lucky that we can afford the cycles, very many would not be able to have a family because of the costs involved in these type of cycles. I am also thankful that it has made me critically look at the reasons that I was doing these cycles. I had never bothered previously to imagine a second child's face but since I found the elephant key rings and started to focus - I can see the baby everywhere, she is beautiful and I tell her 'hold on, sweetie, mummy is coming for you'.

As I say, it has been a hard few months but I am finally getting myself up off the mat. There are some things that have inspired me to (apart from JBB who brings smiles and happiness to every day!). Recently, a great Australian Rules footballer, Jim Stynes died. His death has touched me profoundly because his life was amazingly inspirational. He was the type of person that I would like to be. He was a successful footballer but an even more successful person. He started a foundation to help improve children's self esteem. He had a beautiful relationship with his wife and they have two lovely children. He was loved by our town, our country and his own country of Ireland. There was a documentary that was made after he had been diagnosed with cancer and it detailed the alternative therapies that he used to try to fight against the cancer - some of which were pretty full on and it reminded me of my exhaustive search to leave no stone unturned - it made me think that I am like him in some small way. He had a motto 'whatever it takes' and I have adopted that for myself at the moment. That was what I was like when trying for JBB and I need to bring back that tenaciousness, which I am starting to do.

I also read this post by Silver at Hope for the Best. It was all about finding five good things in her life which made me consider five good things in mine - here they are:

1. My beautiful family - JourneyMan, JBB and JourneyDog O Wool

2. My supportive family - Mum, Dad, sisters, brothers, aunty, good in-laws

3. The best best friend in the world - noone could be more supportive

4. My job and JourneyMan's job cos it allows us to save up for cycles (plus hopefully JourneyMan will qualify for a trip to Hawaii as a reward for exceeding his targets - oh yeah and JBB and I get to go as well - whoo hooo, a holiday with no cycle, yayers!)

5. Our house that has been renovated and despite the fact it is pretty small, it is comfortable

Thanks, Silver for such an inspirational idea - I like it very much.

Okay, so I have rambled on for long enough - long story short, I am getting my positivity back - yay!

The Plan

So, you may have noticed that I have added a couple of tickers to the blog.

Firstly, another countdown to when I leave to go to Thailand for the next cycle. I have been booked in for awhile but I have wanted to keep it under wraps for a bit because of a ‘time limit’ issue that I have been working through. In short, I have been feeling very pressured because I have constantly had time limits ie. I not only need to lose weight, I need to lose it in a certain time, we need to get ourselves back together financially but also within a certain time. Time limits had previously been a huge motivating factor for me but it seem that the rebellious side of me had been rebelling against them for a bit. Now I am a bit more on track. These few sentences do not convey the pressure that I feel that I am constantly working to a time frame - I have been trying to write a post on it for about a month and I think I am going to have to give up trying to express this and just say 'it's a lot of pressure'.

It has been a very fine balance working out when to next go to Thailand for a cycle. Once again, I will be going without my darlings JourneyMan and JBB but I am hoping that my bestie will be able to make the trip with me – that will be a lot nicer than going on my own! The balance comes where I want to give myself enough time to make a difference to my weight, our financial status, state of mind as well as our house but not too far in advance that I feel that it will never be over. I am not sure if I have said this on the blog before but we have decided our end time. We have decided that if the next frozen cycle does not work, we will have one more fresh cycle (with a new donor) and then try with any embryo’s frozen. I figure that we would be finished by the end of 2013 – which seems pretty far off but at least there is an end date now.

Secondly, I am in need of losing a great deal of weight, so that is the other ticker. I am hoping that this will motivate me towards my goal of weight loss. I had been kidding myself on the last two cycles that my weight didn’t matter and honestly, maybe it doesn’t but I am not willing to go into another cycle with doubt. This is one part that I can control so I am going to help myself out here. I need it for the health reasons anyway. I have surprised myself again by letting my weight get away from me - seriously, am I learning impaired?

Anyway - the weight loss is only one goal that I am going for in the 150 days until I embark on another cycle in Thailand. Here are my overall goals for the next 5 months:

Physical:

My physical self needs some work. I am still very exhausted though a trip to the naturopath has me taking magnesium, vitamin d and iron which I noticed has helped out a little (it doesn't help with tiredness derived from a little cheeky man getting up at 3am a few days in a row but nevertheless, there has been a little increase in energy). I am focusing on detoxification, losing weight, strengthen my body through exercise, nourishing it with high quality foods and making our lives as chemical free as possible. At the end of the day, when we went to Thailand for the cycle that we got JBB, I felt good about myself - I wasn't in my healthy weight range but I felt healthy and strong and at the end of the day, all of the below goals are to help me to feel healthy and strong for the next cycle (and also for myself, I would definitely like to feel healthy and strong again).

On top of the measures listed below - I also visit an acupuncturist once a week and have the chinese herbs twice a day. I also see a naturopath to ensure that my vitamin and mineral intake is good and I see an osteopath to make sure that my back is behaving (which it hasn't been lately). This makes for a lot of appointments but I am hoping that the osteopath and naturopath will go to a once a month type situation shortly as it will be more maintenance.

Chemical Free:

• No caffeine as of 16th April (I'm allowing myself 1 coffee a day until 130 days before I go)
• No pain killers / anti inflammatories / medications as of 16th April (I am having trouble with my back and I am hoping it will be alot better by this time)
• Remove chemical cleaners from the house & use natural ones - Kitchen cleaners removed and bathroom cleared of items by the end of Easter
• Use no-chemical make up and personal products - have started this one already
• Eat organic or hormone free, free range foods - have started this already

In the pursuit of being chemical free - I have also got organic cotton pj's and sheets. We have bought an air purifier and have some indoor plants so that we are breathing nice air. I am also working on having a daily homegrown wheatgrass juice and I say working on it because I have all of the stuff but haven't worked out how to do it yet!! I am constantly seeking out ways to eliminate toxins from our lives. I am now looking at only using our stainless steel cookware.

Lose weight / nourishment:

Many of you know that I have a lap band which I have had pretty loose since the pregnancy because I hadn't reconciled myself to have to lose weight. I have finally done that now and I will be utilising the band as a tool to reduce my calorie intake. As usual, it is hugely important to eat exceedingly well to ensure that I am getting enough vitamins and minerals whilst I am restricting my calories - it is not only about weight loss, I am wanting to be as healthy as I can possibly be as well. Here are a few of my goals:

• Eat high quality, nourishing foods
• Take daily vitamins and minerals as prescribed by naturopath
• Track calorie intake through Body Media FIT program
• Take chinese herbs twice daily

Exercise:

I really like how I feel when I am fit and strong and I haven't really been that since we went to Thailand to get JBB. I ran a 10km a couple of months before we made the first trip to Thailand to get JBB so I am aiming to be fit enough to do another 10km before I go in August. My sister in law is going to do the 5km and 10km races that we have picked out - we have run together before and we have a really fun time doing it so that will make it a bit easier!!

• Run 5km - I am aiming for a 5km fun run on 29 April (I have quite a bit of work to do for this one!!)
• Run 10km - I am aiming for a 10km fun run on 15 July
• Yoga daily - I have a 4 week rotating program of 4 moves a day (plus breathing exercises and a relaxation at the end)
• Weights program at the gym 3 times per week - I have my program, I just need to do it to get my strength up
• Walk at lunch times and as much as possible at any other time - it is nice walking with my bestie at work, we get to chat but also have a nice time walking as well!!

Detoxification:

As well as stopping chemicals from going in, I want to get rid of as many from my body as possible and to that end, I have a range of activities that I want to do each week to help the detoxification along - here are those that I want to do:

• Skin brushing daily
• Clay bath once a week
• Castor oil pack twice a week
• Clay foot bath once a week
• Naturopath liver detox powder twice daily

Mind / Body Connection:

I really believe that I need to be prepared in the mind and as you may have noticed from my recent posts, I have not been travelling that well mentally. To that end, I am seeing a psychologist every fortnight to work through some issues - it is pretty helpful and certainly the ACT techniques that she has taught me has been really helpful in dealing with the overwhelming emotions that I have running around at the moment. I also have some good books and cd's on creating 'fertile' images in my mind and I have some hypnosis and subliminal recordings that I like very much so I will continue to pursue them.

• See psychologist - fortnightly
• Use ACT techniques to defuse emotions - whenever necessary
• Schedule time in each day / week to relax - I am having a little trouble with this though I do have a bath most days which is generally relaxing (except for when JBB barges in and starts throwing things in the bath - that's not so that relaxing - though it is nice when he comes in to give me a kiss)
• Imaging - I have done a small amount of this but need to get more consistent
• Mind Map - I had one for a variety of things when we went to get JBB, need to get a new one done!
• Subliminals - I just need to transfer these to my new phone (I am a destroyer of iPhones - I have submerged 2 in liquid and last week dropped one onto concrete and shattered the screen - der!!)
• Hypnosis - I have some really nice ones that I use and so I will continue with those (though of course, have to transfer them to the new phone)
• Make myself ready for another baby - this is a big one. I have identified in the two negative cycles last year that I was more focussed on 'getting the whole ivf thing behind us' rather than the chance to have another baby, I hadn't even imagined what it would be like to have another one - I have now - I am really focussed on thinking about the actual reason that I am doing this. JourneyMan recently found a bag of elephant keyrings that we got on one of our trips to Thailand (maybe even the honeymoon!!) that we were supposed to give out to people but hadn't. I have put it on my keyring now and every time I look at it, I think of having another baby - it is very motivating! I have also passed them out to the important people in our lives and have asked them to send positive thoughts for the cycle when they look at it. I like the idea of a river of positive thoughts flowing through till I go to Thailand - I am hoping that the river becomes a flood by then!
• Meditation - I have always rebelled against meditation, I find it very hard to quiet my mind but I am thinking that even if I just start small (like a couple of minutes or so) that I might be able to build up to a bit longer over time.
  

Financial:

The past couple of years have been tough on the finances. I had 6 months off with JBB - we wanted to have more time but JourneyMan lost his job and our savings were used up fast. On top of that, we had the fresh cycle with all of us trekking over to Thailand and then another one at Christmas. All of this has left our finances in a pretty shabby state. We have some debt that needs to be sorted out, some tax obligations for the business that I need to get done (it is hard not to keep delaying when I am in 'cycle' mode). I don't know how much this affects my fertility but certainly I feel better and a lot less stressed if everything is sorted out and is all under control. I definitely need some focus in this area. I am also considering working an extra day in order to get out of debt and save more but this will be a wrench as it will be another day away from JBB. Here are some of my goals:

• Bills paid on time each month - I have lost the run of myself with this one, I used to be very good about getting our budget done and bills paid on time so I need to get some focus back here
• Taxes complete and up to date - I have an appointment with the accountant next Wednesday - it is going to be a mad scramble to get things everything ready but I have to do it to get it out to the way
• Debt reducing weekly - I have set up a calendar appointment to get these paid off weekly - we should be able to make a dent in this pretty quickly
• Stay within budget - We have been a bit loose with our budget - we really need to stay within so we can get ourselves back in order
• Save money so that I can have 12 months off work with the new baby

House:

One of the things that I identified that we did before we went to Thailand to get JBB was to get the house ready for a baby. Prior to that, the spare bedroom was basically a dumping ground and just had crap everywhere - no way a baby could go in there. Before Thailand, we made the controversial decision of making it into a nursery and putting baby items in there (that my sister had given us) before we even had a baby to go in there but we really got ready for success. So, one of the things that I realised over the past couple of months is that I didn't really know if we had enough room for a baby in our house (really a 2 bedroom unit) and I thought that I should at least know whether we could fit another baby in the house before we decided to have one!! Anyway, I did a big clean out of JBB's room and it has now become a room that JBB and the new baby can share. We definitely have enough room - we just need to get a bed in there with a new mattress - which I think we will do over Easter. I also feel that we need to get into good cleaning and cooking routines - we have been a bit haphazard with this, I just don't feel it is totally under control.

• Room ready for new baby (almost there, just need the new bed and mattress)
• Bedded down routines for the cleaning (if I do another day of work, we may investigate a cleaner)
• Bedded down routines for the cooking (I'm pretty good with this but always need to have back up food in the freezer of casseroles and things)

Sleep:

As for any parent of a toddler, sleep is at a premium. I definitely am not getting enough sleep at the moment - JBB has been waking up in the middle of the night again (on Saturday night because he had vomited all over his bed poor thing) and the last couple of nights as well. JourneyMan is great because he is very good about getting up and getting him but I find that I always have trouble going back to sleep. Today, I have been up since 3am, though I did sneak in a 15min powernap in the carpark before I got to work. I am not really sure what to do about this because I also find that if I have a nap during the day, I find it hard to get to sleep at night. I am going to have to rethink how I do things to see if I can get some more 'catch up' sleep if I need it - am not really sure how that will happen at this point but I definitely know that I don't want to go to Thailand completely exhausted like I have the last 2 times.

Expectations:

I know that these expectations are very high. There is a lot to do with not much time to do it in (amongst taking care of JBB, cooking, cleaning & working). I am going to try my best and I am also going to not listen to 'Moaning Myrna - the Mean Hearted Beartch' who talks in my head and criticises everything that I do (silly cow). I just want to give us the best chance of having another baby (or babies - would love twins - speaking of being time poor!!). I want to feel like I have done everything possible for this cycle and whilst I may not live up to every minute little detail of this plan, I will feel good if I can get most of the way there to doing it.

Thanks for reading this far if you got there - I know that this was as really long post but I needed to get all of this out.