Sweet Heart

We have a heartbeat, just one beautiful heartbeat.  What an amazing day!

The scan went really well.  Everything is perfect. The baby is measuring one day ahead and has a heart rate of 122bpm which they said was excellent.  JBB and JourneyMan were both there and it was beautiful to share such a special moment with my boys.

I have to say, I am seriously relieved that we are not expecting twins. Until they were sure that there was only one, I hadn't let myself feel how truly afraid I was that I couldn't keep a twin pregnancy. Today I realized that there is no reason why I can't take this baby to 38 weeks, JBB went right through, my body knows what to do so as long as I take care of us both, we should be fine.

I am hoping to enjoy this pregnancy. I enjoyed being pregnant with JBB but I was so afraid. I am still determined to keep as much of the fear at bay.

Is there anything more special than seeing the beating heart of a being inside you, such a miraculous day. I'm so thankful that we have gotten this far, I so hope to hold this precious baby in my arms in May. So happy, so excited, so grateful.

Scan Nerves

On Wednesday I had some very, very bad cramps – I was very worried but there was no bleeding so I tried to just think that it was my uterus stretching.  I have still been feeling morning sickness but it has not been as bad as it was earlier in the week.  Last night I was going to make home made pizza for dinner but in the end, I really wanted roast chicken sandwiches – really, really wanted them.  I don’t think it was a craving, just really felt like it.

I am nervous about the scan tomorrow.  There is a chance that we are having twins because we put two embryo’s back and I am nervous about the outcome either way.  On one hand, I would dearly love to have twins as it would complete our family nicely.  JourneyMan doesn’t really want twins though, he is worried about how much work it will be (which I am sure it would be enormous!) but I like to focus on the lovely fact of more love being brought into our family.

The biggest thing that I worry about if it’s twins is getting them born healthy.  I am worried about my unicornuate uterus being too small to accommodate them for the full term of the pregnancy.  I have done plenty of research and whilst it is not common, there are certainly documented cases of successful twin births from a unicornuate uterus.

We did weigh all this up before we decided to transfer two and decided that it was worth the risk.  I had spoken to my fertility specialist about it and he has always maintained (and he should know, he has been in there 3 times when doing laparoscopies!) that the ‘good’ part of the uterus is only a little bit smaller than a normal one – which is a great relief.  My OB also

There is also the fact that I carried JBB to full term without any problems, except for some cramps but I can put up with that.  I don’t know if it’s twins – some people saying they definitely think it is, some are saying they definitely think it isn’t.  The HCG numbers are not convincing and the only thing that makes me think ‘maybe’ is that I am already huge – I look like I am 6 months pregnant already.  This is very subjective though and could also be that I have just put on weight or that I am massively bloated (which I know that I am).  I just don’t know.

Most of all, I am hoping for a healthy baby or babies tomorrow.  At the end of the day, that is all that I worry about – seeing that beautiful heartbeat and knowing the little one is growing and thriving.

Going well....

So I am only 3 days away from my ultrasound and I am hoping that everything is okay.  I think that it should be, I have been having morning sickness daily which has been very reassuring.

It is interesting that most of those around me keep forgetting that I am pregnant.  My Mum and Aunt were talking about taking a trip to Thailand next year in May and I said ‘but that’s when the baby comes’ – my Mum openly admitted that she keeps forgetting about it!  I obviously forgive her, she’s had a lot going on at the moment.  I think that she is really starting to find it hard without Dad so obviously the baby is not right at the forefront of her mind.

JourneyMan also said to me last night ‘have you been smoking?’ – now, I did used to smoke but I gave up when we started trying for a baby though I did have lapses after pretty much each failed cycle.  I looked at him disbelievingly and said ‘are you serious?’ and he said ‘yes’ and I said ‘I’m pregnant, there is no way in hell I would be smoking’ – his response ‘oh yeah’.  

Symptom wise, I am mainly having the morning sickness, serious fatigue and I am so bloated that I already look 6 months pregnant – I am pulling out my fat clothes to disguise it all!!

Whilst, I really don’t want to play the when / then game – I definitely will breathe a little easier when the scan (hopefully) comes back all good on Friday.  Obviously there will be many more milestones to hit in the pregnancy but that is a good one to get done and dusted!

We have already told JBB and periodically he will say ‘Mummy, bubby, tummy’ – he hasn’t said it yet in front of anyone that doesn’t know which is good but if he does, I won’t be too concerned.  He is such a good and gentle boy with his 3month old cousin, I think he is going to be a super brother!  It is so nice to think that we will have a new addition to our family, our love will expand once again – it is such a nice thought.  We are lucky.

Staring Down Fear…

I have a question that I keep asking myself – ‘how do you enjoy a pregnancy when at any moment you expect the rug to be pulled out from under you’?  This is the classic ‘pregnant after IF’ conundrum.  I have watched bloggers be fearful for the whole pregnancy (this was also me with JBB) and I have watched in awe as some bloggers have courageously stared down their fear and determinedly enjoyed every part of their pregnancy.

I feel I am starting to play the ‘when, then’ game.  When I see a heartbeat, then I will relax and enjoy the pregnancy.  But really, that just doesn’t work because then it is ‘when I get to the 2^nd trimester, then I can relax and enjoy the pregnancy’ and then it goes to ‘when I get the tests back, then I can relax’, ‘when I get to viability, then I can enjoy it’, ‘when I hear them cry, then I will relax’.  There is always a when / then scenario and I really don’t want to live my life that way.

The fear is because I worry about the doomsday scenarios (miscarriage, stillbirth etc) but does worrying about them make them any less heartbreaking if the worst occurs?  In short, the answer is absolutely not.  I have gone into cycles with complete hope, I have gone into cycles with complete doubt and if the negative comes, I still howl crying and feel dark to my soul, so the question is ‘why worry?’  There is really no reason to give in to the fear.

So, I am going to stare down the fear.  I am going to hope and to act as if this pregnancy is going to go all the way and that at the end I have a beautiful baby to hold in my arms.

So, that being said, I do feel much happier today.  Over the weekend, I had a food aversion on Saturday night and some slight morning sickness on Sunday morning and today, I have had undeniable morning sickness for most of the day.  It’s made me so happy!!  I feel like crap but the very best thing is that I feel like I am pregnant and that is a really great feeling!!  Still 10 days until the first scan (when isn’t there a count down?) – so a bit of time to wait but I am going to enjoy it!

***  I would also like to thank the following people for stopping by and commenting in the last couple of weeks.  Each and every comment has touched my heart and I appreciate your support at this difficult and joyful time.

Ordinary Girl at Wonderfully Ordinary
Sue at Dream-Believe
TIO at The Impatient Optimist
Elle at Elle’s Family Blog
Silver at Hope for the Best
Melissa at Banking on It
Tiree Gal from Happy Go Lucky
Summer at Worrier/Warrier
Played by the Fickle Mistress at Fate is a Fickle Mistress

Maj Bryen
Julie

Anxious...

I am struggling at the moment.  I am anxious - so anxious that I constantly have that sick feeling in my stomach.  At first I thought that it might be early onset morning sickness but now I am pretty sure that it is just anxiety.

Just. Anxiety. 

Anxiety is such a small word but its effects are devastating.  I am not sure of what the origin of the anxiety is but I am certainly very worried about the pregnancy.  It is so early and I don't expect there to be symptoms and, of course, there are none but that worries me.  I have booked in for the first scan but it won't be for another 17 days - that feels like a life time.  Don't get me wrong, underneath the anxiety is certainty gratitude and some small measure of excitement but everything is overlaid by that anxiety.

It also could be to do with dealing with the emotional aftermath of Dad's death.  My Mum was worried that I wasn't there when Dad died but one thing that I know 100% is that Dad wanted me in Thailand for the cycle.  I am also okay that he couldn't wait, I didn't want him to struggle.  The simple truth is that I miss him.  Last week preparing for the funeral was completely manic and because we were immersed in his life, he felt like he was right there but now I feel bereft.  When I went to the viewing, I spent some time with him on my own and I told him about the baby, he would be so happy to know about another 'little miracle'.  How do you say goodbye to your Dad?  How can it be that he won't be ringing me and asking me how to text on his phone or talk about the footy.  I actually really don't understand.  The thought of his not meeting the baby makes me so sad.  The thought that JBB won't remember him tears me down deep.  The football finals are on and they are continually a stark reminder that he is not here.

I think that it is also work.  When I got back yesterday, I was overwhelmed with how much there was to do and today I think I have unwittingly walked in to a power play.  I am hoping that it will work out well for me and my Bestie but the uncertainty definitely has created more anxiety.

I am also worried that I am so anxious (yes, I just said that) - I hope that I am not hurting the baby with my worry.

How do I get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach?  Being a comfort eater, I usually try to eat to feel better but I have been trying to restrain myself, I want to look after myself and the baby.  I have downloaded some hypnosis mp3's - I am hoping that they will at least help to make the anxiety manageable.

The Two Beta's

I have had two Beta's in the last week.  One on Tuesday and Friday.  Here are the results:

HCG Tuesday:  72

HCG Friday:  231

So, I think all is looking good and it now is just a matter waiting until the 6 week ultrasound to make sure that everything is okay.  

Everything feels very surreal for me at the moment, I know that there is a massively long way to go but at least for the moment, it feels like all is on track.  I can hardly believe that the trip to Thailand has even happened, let alone worked.

We had the funeral on Thursday and I am sure my Dad would have been extremely happy with the service.  He was a collector of people so there were an enormous number of people there.  

The weekend has been nice, I have been able to spend a lot of time with JBB and JourneyMan.  Friday, I took JBB to the indoor playground because the weather was horrible.  He had an absolute ball.  On Friday night, I went to the footy with my Aunty - it was the finals but I didn't really want to go because of he weather and also because I was absolutely exhausted.  I did feel that Dad would want me to go though, unfortunately my team lost but seriously, I didn't really care.

Saturday, I went to the market with my sisters and Mum and that was really nice.  My bestie dropped in after her acupuncture appointment and it was good to see here again.  It has been strange this week going from seeing her every day to only seeing her a couple of times.

Today, I was able to have a big sleep in so I feel much better.  Today, we are taking JBB to his swimming lessons and then we will have a swim with him.  Then it will be nap time for the cheeky and maybe if there is time, we will be able to take him to the mini train track for a ride on the train.

I know that I have resorted to updates again but I am overwhelmed with emotions at the moment.  Grief, joy, sadness, gratefulness, fear - you name it, I am immersed in it.  

Amidst Grief, Cautious Optimism....

It is looking very promising and I am super thankful.  

Thank you all for your lovely messages about my Dad.  I arrived home safely on Sunday night, JourneyMan and JBB met us at the airport - they were both a sight for sore eyes, I can tell you - so much hugging, I was immediately comforted.  After tucking JBB in bed, I went straight to my Mum and Dad's place where my Mum, 2 sisters, brother and Aunt (Dad's sister) were all waiting for me.  As I hugged and cried with each of them, I realised how much love I have and how loved I am.  It was a beautifully sad night.

I won't go in to the whole story right now, suffice to say that the past 2 days have been spent making funeral arrangements.  I am emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted but amongst it all, I am also filled with hope that this might be our cherished second baby, a sibling for our darling JBB.  One thing that stands out in my mind over the past couple of days is that, I will not give up until JBB has a sibling.  Being surrounded by my sisters and brother, I have felt bathed in love, support and with a life shared.  I cannot imagine JBB not having that support in his life.  I am hoping that this cycle brings us a baby so that we can give the gift to both of them of companions to walk along life's road.

I now have to write my part of the eulogy for my Dad, I want to perfectly express how I felt about him in my life - especially how proud I am to be his daughter.

Shocked

My Dad died earlier today.  Unfortunately, I am still in Thailand and far away from my precious family at this time.  Poor JourneyMan had to break the news to me over a face time call - I was and am devastated.

As many of you know, Dad was sick with melanoma and hydrocephalus but before I left, he was okay.  Not fantastic, he wasn't improving or anything but he was okay.  When I said goodbye to him 10 days ago, I didn't know it was goodbye forever but I did cry.  I cried because he wished me good luck, and kissed me and then put his hands on the sides of my face and said goodbye and good luck again.  

Thankfully my Bestie is here with me in Thailand and has been of tower of strength and support.  I can never thank her enough for what she has done for me on this trip, she personifies true friendship.  She organised and earlier flight home for us in a snap and has basically organised everything for us to be heading out in a few short hours.  She is a legend.

I have spoken to my Mum, my brother and my younger sister.  My older sister was also away when he died so I haven't spoken to her yet.  He died at home, surrounded by love - my Mum, brother, younger sister and my Aunt (Dad's sister) were all there surrounding him, that makes me so happy.  My younger sister kissed him goodbye for me, I am so grateful to her for doing that.  I told my brother how thankful and proud of him I am - he did so much for Dad in these last months - more than all of us put together.  I am not sure when the funeral is going to be but I will at least be home to help organise it and be there with my family.  They told me that his last words were to me, that he couldn't hold on any longer.  This tears me to pieces.

I cannot contemplate the fact that I will never see him again.  Will never have a joke with him, watch a footy game with him or take JBB over to see him, I don't know how any of that it is true, it just can't be.  

It is Father's Day in Australia tomorrow - the thought of it hurts me to my bones.  How can it be Father's Day and my Dad not be there?  Dad, I love you.  Thanks for being my Dad.

I can't write any more - it's all to raw, the shock is paralysing me. 

3dp5dt - Who is this person?

I have writers block.  I have had writers block for months so I have resorted to updates only and I know it has been boring arse and I am very sorry.  I am trying to dig myself out of this rut and start to write what I really want to write about and I guess at the moment, I need to explain how I am feeling.

For those of you experienced in the 2WW, you will know that it is a strange, half life where time is elastic and crazy is a permanent resident.  When else in your life is constant contemplation of when (and of course, how many times) to pee on a stick is a natural, even expected thought process.  Where others, who are part of our community will help you debate the benefits and drawbacks of testing early and even which tests are the best to use?

The 2WW takes a woman's ability to multi task to the ultimate level.  Watch as I view dvd's whilst searching the internet for stories of success from other IFers and research ways to improve my chances of implantation.  See how I eat my breakfast, have a conversation with my Bestie and all the time be thinking what maternity clothes I will need as well as planning when we would have the money to come back for the next cycle.

After so many 2WW's, I have realised that there is absolutely no way of busying yourself up to the point where you don't think of the cycle.  I have heard of people doing 2WW bucket lists or even just compiling a list of things to do to pass the time in the 2WW.  I have had 2WW's where I have been super busy and at work.  I have had 2WW's when I have been in a beach paradise.  I have had 2WW's that I have been on my own.  They have all been hard.

It's hard because I want it so bad. I also don't want to want it because I know I will be devastated if it doesn't work.  I want to let myself hope because I know that regardless of whether I have let myself hope or not, I will be just as devastated if it's negative.  How do you keep getting up to stand with your arms open wide without flinching, even just a little.  How do you not expect the slap down?  

I used to be wide open.  I took pride in the fact that if there was something that I feared, I would try to face it so it wouldn't have power over me.  I generally considered myself a brave person.  Now, sometimes, I don't recognise myself anymore.  Sometimes I can't help but think I am more like the dog that has been hit too many times.  I see myself cowering in the corner, trying to stand and open my trusting arms wide but knowing that the slap down is coming.  Who is this person and how did I get here?  Is there any chance of recovery or is this how I am going to be from now on?

Despite all this, I have hope.  I have let myself hope this cycle, it may be a quavering, uncertain hope but it is hope all the same.  I listen with happiness/uneasiness as people tell me that they have a good feeling about this cycle.  I think about the due date and plan our lives around it.  I think about how I will tell JourneyMan when I see the positive on the test.  I think about how we will ensure that JBB feels as completely loved as possible when the new baby comes along.  I think about bringing our family back to Thailand and not having to have a cycle, just to enrich our children's cultural experience.  I just can't stop thinking.

I am hugely bloated, I am not sleeping well, I have had a mild ache in my uterus (is it uteri if you have 2?) but other than that, I am completely symptom free.  I attribute all of the aforementioned 'symptoms' to the large cocktail of drugs that I am taking so no real indicator of anything.  I didn't really when I was in the 2WW for JBB either but I had the dizziness, that told me that something was different, I haven't had that.

It just drives me crazy not knowing and sometimes I think 'please, please don't hit me again, I am so tired of it, so very, very tired'.