When I went out to the market on Saturday with my Mum and two sisters, everything annoyed me. Firstly, when we went to pick up my younger sister, I had to drag a massage table into their house for them, I wouldn’t have dreamed of her having to pick it up herself but it brought it sharply into focus, she is pregnant and I am not, when all going well, I should have been.
Then in the car she told of her boyfriends friends. My sister and her boyfriend were very concerned about telling some friends of his about their pregnancy because this friend couple had been trying for two years. Luckily, it all turned out well because when her boyfriend told his friends that they were having a baby, so the couple had found out they were too! Yay! Once again, annoyed the shit out of me, not because of the story, I am glad that these people who have struggled did not have to hear about a couple who ‘accidentally’ got pregnant but I was just annoyed because I think the story was told as a parable ‘good things come to those who wait’.
Then when we were at the market, we were discussing the horrible case here in Melbourne when a couple had made the heart wrenching decision that they would abort a sick twin at 32 weeks (heart defects) and the hospital terminated the wrong baby, so neither of the babies survived (I have too much to say about this but will not in this post, I may in another but it really is just too horrible to contemplate). My older sister made the comment that ‘she thought of me when she heard about this because I ‘could have had one of these babies’. I was pretty affronted by this, I don’t really know how I feel about her thinking that – I know that it came from a place of love but it was just so wrong!!
Then at breakfast, my younger sister told the story of how she told a few of her friends (who have actually become my friends as well over the years) about the pregnancy. She invited them over to make the announcement. It was a nice story and everyone was over the moon for her, which was really lovely. The thing that really pissed me off though was that in the past, I would have been invited to it and been able to share the joy. I don’t blame her for it, honestly, I wouldn’t have wanted me there either – I am a black freaking cloud and if she invited me, I probably wouldn’t have come. She is damned if she does invite me and damned if she doesn’t – I am not angry with her, she was between a rock and a hard place. What I was angry about is IF. It bloody shits me that people have to tip toe around me. It makes me want to scream that people think that I would want to take a baby, any baby. It makes me really sad that I am excluded from the joy. It makes me furious that I am seen as a cautionary tale (better get on to trying really quick, you don’t want to end up like JourneyGirl) and I want to tear my hair out to be seen as ‘the deformed girl who should be pitied’ – ‘shhh, don’t talk about the babies, she might cry (though then if I do cry, I get in trouble for not being happy for the person – I am also damned if I do and damned if I don’t).
It is very hard to be told that you are ‘becoming bitter’ – I challenge anyone to go through this and not have some measure of bitterness. It is very hard to be told ‘they are your issues’ when you absolutely realise that they are your issues but really only wanted to rail against the situation that you have found yourself in, not wanting solutions or advice but just an empathetic, open ear. It is agonisingly hurtful to be told that ‘you need to get over it’ or that ‘you need to prepare yourself that JBB might be your only child’ and that it ‘wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world’.
I didn’t ask to be put in this situation. I did not ask to have a physical deformity when I was born. I didn’t ask to be in pain nearly every day. I didn’t ask to not be able to respond to the IVF drugs. I didn’t ask for my eggs to be crap. I didn’t ask for any of these things but I haven’t hesitated in taking responsibility for it. I have picked myself up from every failed cycle. I have had operation after operation to see if I could improve my chances of having a family. I let nothing stop me in achieving my goal of having a child. I am proud that I was able to find a way that we could have our beautiful boy. I have relished joyously in every moment that he has been in our lives.
It makes me hate myself to whinge all the time and I think back to before IF and wonder – how different has this made me? How different has it made others toward me? Would I be happier or would I be less appreciative of what I have? Would I have more friends? Would JBB and I be in a mothers group? Would I be sweating more of the small stuff (uh oh, JBB has only 10 words in his vocabulary, shouldn’t he have 11?), would I have had a worry free pregnancy? Would I get invited to things again? Would I actually want to leave the house? Would we actually be in a house instead of a 2 bedroom unit? Would JourneyMan’s and my relationship be as strong?
I know that I would have been more involved in my friend’s children’s lives – as it is, I am in full shut down mode and have certainly decided the at for the next four weeks, I will only be seeing people out of absolute necessity. No work Christmas parties, no Christmas dinner with my girl friends, no more going to the market on Saturday with my Mum and sisters. I know that it is childish and weak but I am honestly done with any comments, regardless of how nice or ‘for my own good’ they are. Honestly, if anyone tells me to get over it or think positive or that it will all work out as it is meant to, I am fully going to freaking lose it.
I started spotting yesterday and panicked. Once again I thought that the whole thing was over, there was no chance of going in December. This also made me realise that all of the incidents beforehand that were pissing me off and making me angry was my old friend PMS. Then later on in the night, I remembered that the Melbourne FS said that there could be some breakthrough bleeding and that it would be okay, so I felt a bit better.
This morning I woke up and the cramps were way worse than normal, I took heaps of tablets to make sure I could get through the day (and thus felt guilty because I am putting extra chemicals in my body when I am trying to clear it all out for the cycle that might not exist **sigh**). Following the cramps came more spotting and more doubt about whether I would be able to go in December. If the spotting gets worse tomorrow, I am going to call my FS, I have been trawling Dr Google for solutions and want to run some by my FS (I will hear him rolling his eyes over the phone).
For the moment, I am hopeful but am sure the doubt will come back in 10 mins.
Two weeks until I find out whether the cycle is a go or not, another freaking 2WW.